Sheila Buswell shares tips on tackling imposter syndrome on Midlife Makeover

Sheila Buswell: Hey, everyone.

Wendy Valentine: Welcome back to another episode of the Midlife Makeover show. Today we’ve got an amazing guest who’s here to inspire and empower you. Meet Sheila Buswell, the CEO and co founder of Buswell Biomedical, a US army veteran and the author of is this deep for me? Overcoming imposter syndrome in everyday life and business. In her book, Sheila shares her own journey with imposter syndrome and the powerful stories of others who face self doubt but found the courage to overcome it. Today, Sheila is going to share some incredible insights from her book, including five personal strategies to tackle imposter syndrome, like remembering your past achievements, giving yourself grace, and staying mindful of your thoughts. So important. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling like you’re not enough, please, everyone, just raise your hand right now. This episode is for you. Let’s give a warm welcome to Shella.

Sheila Buswell: Thank you, Wendy. You’re amazing. You got me all, like, jazzed up, like, to listen to this. and he likes hearing their own.

Wendy Valentine: Intro, you know, it’s like, who is this woman? So cool. So great to have you here.

Sheila Buswell: It’s so great to be here. Thank you, Wendy.

Wendy Bauer shares her story about imposter syndrome

Wendy Valentine: So let’s start with your story, if you don’t mind sharing your imposter syndrome. How did you discover you had imposter syndrome, and where did it stem from?

Sheila Buswell: So the first time I heard imposter syndrome, those words together, I was like, I started a business in 2019. And before that, you know, like, before that, I was an engineer. I had ms in engineering. And, like, whenever it wasn’t, you know, business. So I was asking questions to further my business acumen and if to. Or to further my knowledge on business. And it wasn’t, I don’t know, it was, diagnosed pathologized as being imposter syndrome. And I do not have imposter syndrome like that. But that was the first time I heard it. I actually have it. Like, I was like, no, of course I could do all the things if you, you know, I freak out about makeup and babies and stereo being around other, like, groups of other women, and I didn’t, like, put a finger on it until then. Right? Like, and then I learned it. And then, yeah, I kind of was like, oh, so, like, going back in.

Wendy Valentine: Your life, where do you think that started this whole imposter syndrome?

Sheila Buswell: So I have a lot of different demons, but, you know, for. I was an engineer for a long time, and I was told, again, I hope this is only told a long time ago when I was, you know, tip don’t be so girly, or you won’t be taken seriously as an engineer. Well, 20 years later, you know, I’m solid in my engineering or whatever, but I do not feel comfortable around other women. And I think it’s because I played a role to fit a part that. You know what I mean? Like, and it chisels away fundamentally, who you are. You know what I mean? If you pretend to be somebody else. And one of the things I can stand solidly in is, you know, I know my stuff, right? But I can, as you pointed out, my five things. Personal solutions for over. I could be like, oh, well, I. I can think of my past achievements, right? So I could think of, oh, well, I have this, you know, whatever. I did this. I. You know, I, I was in the military, and I was a generator mechanic, so I. That gave me the props for a lot. Like, in my own mind. It’s like your brain tells you, whispers all the reasons you don’t fit, and you have to, like, articulate. Yes. To yourself. Right? Like, yes, I do fit, and this is why. And I use that. That’s my heaviest hitter. Like, I don’t have it, but if I see a makeup brush that I don’t know, or mascara or an eyelash curler, it freaks me out. I went to a, lunch, and it was just a bunch of. I mean, there was a few guys there, but for the most part, women. And I have to give myself this pep talk. No, you never like whatever they. You know, it’s a weird dynamic. People always assume it’s one way and sometimes it’s another. But the monster under your bed, or, you know, anybody’s bed, career. And speak to you, whisper to you about anything. Right? Like, you can convince yourself of anything.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, yeah. Our mind always say it’s either your best friend or your worst enemy.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And you are the one that gets to decide which one you listen to. But I think, unfortunately, what happens is, and it’s natural, that when we’re children, especially up until the age of eight, we absorb, like you were saying. Oh, you know, don’t be so girly. Don’t. Don’t wear that makeup or whatever it is. And then our brain just, like, takes it in, like it’s truth, and then it just sticks there for years and years and years until finally, then we were adults. And we’re like, wait, what is it? Why do I believe that? Like, I don’t believe that.

Sheila Buswell: I don’t know. Wendy?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah?

Sheila Buswell: Did you hear this about being thin? Is like that’s what you should aim for. And it’s like, well, get to a certain age, it’s like thin means frail to me. So I don’t want to be olive oil. Right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Right. Popeye and Olive oil.

Sheila Buswell: In the last episode. The last episode. Jodi is her name.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, Jody Harrison Bauer. Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: yeah, I can’t read my own handwriting, but, she talks about how like, you know, she always lifted weights and how that was good, but at the time, you wouldn’t see another woman at the gym. I’m sure that, you know what I mean? Like, I’m sure different things get whispered in her head. Cause you know what? You know, I don’t care. I never.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, well, really, it’s like we adopt these beliefs and end as truth. Like this is what I believe and then sometimes we never question it.

Sheila Buswell: Yep. Exactly.

When you question stuff, you’re just mindful

Yeah, I know. For me, question that you.

Sheila Buswell: Sorry.

Wendy Valentine: No, go ahead, go ahead.

Sheila Buswell: But I was just going to say, when you question stuff, you’re just mindful. Right, right. Is this a valid thought?

Wendy Valentine: Mm

Sheila Buswell: And yeah.

How did imposter syndrome stop you from making decisions in your life

So you’re gonna give me, in what.

Wendy Valentine: Ways did the imposter syndrome, these limiting beliefs that you had about yourself, how did it stop you in making choices in your life or moving forward with something? If you did not have this imposter syndrome, let’s say, you know, 30 years ago, let’s say, if you did not have that, what decisions do you think you would have made in your past?

Sheila Buswell: Well, so first of all, I don’t, I don’t know that imposter syndrome doesn’t, like, we talked about being a finished product before. I’m not a finished product. I definitely have to work. But I think I was my, like, I lost my scholarship and that’s how I ended up in the military. Right. And I had imposter syndrome at that point. Right. Looking back on it, like, oh, you know, I had a scholarship, but I lost it. Why did you lose it? And essentially m boys, but that’s, a long, story also. But through my life, I can see where I made choices. And as I’ve gotten older, I’m better at making choices that are not controlled by the monster under my bed. I don’t feed that monster. Right, like, right.

Wendy Valentine: Yep, exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, you would, so these limiting beliefs that you had definitely were controlling you and changing the direction of your life.

Sheila Buswell: Absolutely. And then it was, well, my, I’m a control freak, so I didn’t like that aspect, not being in control. And I think again, I talk about Paula swope all the time, but, like, her thought, her thought snob. It was like I was kind of letting my. I felt out of control because I was letting so much just happen to me instead of, like, grooming or whatever, like, making a path that. Okay, maybe I can’t control what’s going to happen. Right. I don’t know if you can control the weather, Wendy, but I can’t. Or whatever. All the things. But, like, you know, I think it’s important to. Okay. I can control the voices in my head, and this is. Yeah. Ah, sometimes it sucks, but I’m definitely not going to give them the steering wheel.

Wendy Valentine: Right, exactly. Yeah. And it’s hard. I mean, we, on average, we have 60,000 thoughts in a day, so it’s pretty much impossible to catch every single thought that you have and go, you know, that was not very nice. Let me change that in the moment. But. So how do you actually. How do you do that? How are, how are you able to be more mindful of your thoughts and actually changing it to serve you better, for it to be more positive?

Sheila Buswell: So I think I start. I’m, Like, Paula was also talking about meditation for 30 minutes, and I’m like, that scared me to death because I’ve been doing that for a long time, I think. But I still haven’t gotten up to 30 minutes. But maybe it’s because I’m not doing whatever. But the main thing is the way I don’t control a minute. I started out with a small goal and just being mindful of your thinking. And that’s one of the things. It’s like, you become more aware, oh, I am talking to myself this way, and I wouldn’t talk to a friend that way.

Wendy Valentine: Right?

Sheila Buswell: And then, like, we talked before about how, like, after I wrote the book, after, I’m considered a, kind of a. An expert on imposter syndrome. All these things. I’m like, I don’t like talking about. I got in my. When I joined the military in 1997, in 1998, I deployed to Bosnia, where a generator fell on my foot. I recently. Right, like, four months ago, it was like I was pitching my business, and I was listening to a recording, and I’m so fast, and I didn’t like talking about it. It just made me uncomfortable, and I really had to sit with that thought. And, like, why is that? And it’s imposter syndrome, right? Like, I. Like, I got injured in Bosnia, not Iraq or Afghanistan, and I got head generator fell on my foot. That’s not like, honorably taking a bullet or having a combat injury. Was I really in combat? Like. Like, I. And then it’s like, when people say things to you, it’s easy to let that spiral. Like, I got a medical discharge. M but I was asked, oh, is that honorable? And I I know how to answer that question, but the fact that, like, it bothered me for a lot longer.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: Then it should. And I had to, like, sit with it and think about it. But I don’t know that if that happened, like, when I was 20, it definitely wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have dealt with it the same way. But now I’m like, I have to sit with it, and it’s uncomfortable, and I hate it, but I led to discovery and healing.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And that can be the hardest part, is sitting with it and facing it.

Sheila Buswell: Yep.

Wendy Valentine: Like sitting in a dark cave with your greatest fears and going, all right, let’s. Let’s do this. Like, having, like, being on the battlefield with yourself, right? Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: No, it is. It is very much like that. Because I think, like, okay, it freak. Like, freaks me out to say, okay, just think positively all the time, because then I feel guilt on top of everything else that I was thinking negative or I was, whatever, talking to myself in a negative way. But I think, you know, just start and just be like, okay, this is what I’m thinking. And being mindful in that way, instead of being, like, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

When my brother passed away, I did not grieve properly

Sheila Buswell: Trying to be like, oh, positive all the time. Because that’s gross, too. Sometimes negative feelings are not bad, right?

Wendy Valentine: No, they’re not. I was just going to say, like, we’re human beings being human, right? We’re. We’re made with these emotions. You’re supposed to experience pain and anger and sadness and grief and joy and enlightenment, all of those things, like, so it’s normal to experience those. And I can remember when my brother passed away, and I had not, like, years before, 20 years, roughly. My ex husband had passed away. And when my ex husband passed away, I did not grieve. I did not properly just allow myself to grieve. Cause I was taught, like, okay, just, Wendy, put on a happy face and get back at it, right? And it caught up with me. All that grief caught up with me from not grieving for my ex husband, right? So then here my brother dies, and I told myself, I was like, you know what? I’m going to give myself the gift of grieving. Like, you’re going to grieve like. Like crazy. And I did. And I. And I actually moved through it faster. To your point, you were saying earlier, it’s like just sitting with it. If you just sit with it and face it and ask it to teach you whatever it wants to teach you, and it’ll move through you. Right.

Sheila Buswell: It sucks to do it. It’s easy to say that. Like, you’re talking about Steve jobs saying you can connect the dots. Absolutely. My sister died, and it was a similar thing to me. And I, like, you know, I was putting on a face. Cause I.

Wendy Valentine: You have to put on a face, right?

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. And it was like six months later, you know what I mean? I started losing weight. I was crazy. Like, I got, I don’t want to say I was crazy, but I was recommended to go to therapy. And I was like, I don’t need therapy, blah, blah, blah. And then I was so many things. And then it was like, oh, you know, I didn’t actually be. It was when therapy. I learned about this, but I was angry. But angry is a powerful feeling.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Yep.

Sheila Buswell: But you don’t heal.

Wendy Valentine: Yep. Well, and then, on the scale of emotions, anger is, like, in the middle. So anger can be very motivating. And even sadness can be motivating. All of it can be very motivating if you allow it to. Again, like, asking it for what it has to teach you. Right. But. But, yeah, I mean, it’s. It’s all very strong, powerful stuff.

Sadeena says giving yourself grace is key to success in life

And I think one of your points is, giving yourself grace. And that goes back to, like, you’re a human being. Being human. Like, give yourself some grace. Don’t beat yourself. We are, like, we are the worst towards ourselves.

Sheila Buswell: I think we are. Like, in my own, In my history, it’s been the voices in my head when I, you know, whatever. I’m so mean. And I wouldn’t allow somebody to talk to somebody I love. I wouldn’t even. I pointed at my dog before, but, like, I wouldn’t talk to my dog the way I talk. Some of the voices in my head, it’s like, just because that voice is in your head doesn’t mean you should listen to it. We listen to it.

Sheila Buswell: Sometimes it’s the loudest.

Wendy Valentine: I know. Exactly. And I think that’s the key, right? Is to make the cheerleader in your head the loudest and make the critic so quiet that it’s like, wait, what did you say? I’m sorry. You don’t think I can do this?

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. Like, why? This is why I think I should be able to do this or why I am qualified or whatever. And it’s so hard. It’s easy to say, but it’s, You need, You need to like, just. Okay. Acknowledge that. Just. Yeah, it’s. This is where I’m at now. Right. Mentally or what. And this is what it would take. Is it worth it?

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Sheila Buswell: And then if it’s not, then okay, just give yourself grace for having, like, I have a, mister deeds foot and I give myself grace. Okay. It’s okay that I have that. I just do what I can to, like, I put converse on.

Wendy Valentine: You have the mister. I know we talked about this before we hit record, but you have the mister deeds foot because of the injury.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. Like my foot is not appealing to look at. Not like I was ever going to be a foot model, which we also talked about before in the green room.

Wendy Valentine: But like, we talked about a lot of stuff.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah, well, I have the inside out characters. I have all of them. But I. There’s anger, but you need. You need all the things you can’t have. Like that movie does a really good job of saying you need all the people, all the emotions, you know? And you can’t. If you try to get rid of just one, bad stuff happens. And even I, am such a Pixar nerd. But like, in the first one, sadness. Right? Like, it’s weird when you just don’t acknowledge that how, you know, sadeena, sadness being. You need sadness to feel good joy and. Yeah. Anyway, right.

Wendy Valentine: It’s the dichotomy of life. We wouldn’t know dark if we didn’t know light. We wouldn’t know sadness. We didn’t know happiness. Like, it, we. It’s the opposites. It’s duality. Like we. We need that in order to know. So it’s all very nor. And I think the key is though, too, it’s like you, those lower vibrational emotions, those energies, you just don’t want to hang out there for too long.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Like, you know, why can’t. Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: It sucks to be around the person who’s angry all the time or sad all the time. Like because.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Sheila Buswell: Or joyful all the time because it’s a little annoying. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It’s toxic, I think. But like, one of my things is, you know, just when you look to the left and right of you and you don’t look like the people. Right?

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: So when that would happen, not to compare yourself to others, but it’s inevitable. Right. Your mind goes there automatically. But m just because this heifer is happy all the time doesn’t mean that that’s the way you need to. That, you know, that’s a good thing.

Energy is a frequency, it’s a vibration

Or it’s genuine. Just means she’s happy all the time. Good for her. Or she’s happy now, but good for her. I hope that works, you know?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Hope that works for you. Yeah, exactly. Like was that doctor Phil would say that. How’s that working for you? How’s that working for you? But you know what? To, like, emotions. I mean, they’re. It’s energy, it’s. It’s a frequency, it’s a vibration. Like, we’ve all walked into a, ah, room where you could feel the. The energy of the room. Whereas, like, oh, my God. What. What happened here? Why is everybody so. Or you walk in and it’s like, yeah, you can feel the excitement of the room and you can. Which is, this is like, where being a control freak is kind of cool. Because you can either bring up the energy or you can bring it down.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. I think that that’s important to notice how you impact stuff like that. But you don’t go into a, like, the funeral doesn’t have the same energy as a wedding reception, correct?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Well, we’d hope not.

Sheila Buswell: Well, yeah. Or like, wedding receptions, depending, can have different, like, you can view them differently or whatever. Like, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Your book is about imposter syndrome, and the editor cut fat

Wendy Valentine: So I’m curious here. This book is about imposter syndrome. Did you have imposter syndrome? About your book about imposter syndrome?

Sheila Buswell: Oh, totally. Like, it’s weird. My book is like, 113 pages. It’s weird how, like, I don’t compare yourself to others. I compare this book to, oh, this other book is 500 pages. What? You know, should I have written more? I did write more, but anyway, the editor cut. Luckily, the editor cut fat. Right? Like, what wasn’t serving the message. And, like, it’s weird how your body compares, and it’s like, oh, my mind’s like, well, you haven’t done whatever.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s like, it’s always this, you’re not good enough. And. And eventually you just have, like, it’ll. I was thinking about this earlier today that, many of us, myself included, where I didn’t start the business, I didn’t start, a new relationship or end relationship or make the move to you, whatever. Right. Because of imposter syndrome. Thinking like I wasn’t good enough and. Or waiting for things to be perfect. It will never be perfect. You will never be like, I feel like I’m imperfectly perfect. Like, it is what it is. I am who I am. And really, like, you learn so much about yourself by putting yourself out there.

Sheila Buswell: Absolutely. And I think putting yourself out there, it’s not genuine. And if there’s somebody who’s perfect all the time, they totally suck to be around, because it’s like, I don’t. You know, I don’t want to stand next to the person whose makeup is flawless, whose clothes and whose house is always clean. Like, give me a, hot mess and. You know what I mean? Like, I. I just think it’s less interesting if you’re perfect, but I strive for, like, that was one of my imposter syndrome things, is I strive for perfect. And Mary Imani, who, you know, her chapter, the audiobook, is really good, but, like, in her story, it’s not her voice, but it’s like a. An accented voice, but she’s like, you know, she was an overworker because she thought, oh, I’ll never be able to do what other people do in the allotted amount of time. I need to work 10 hours when other people work eight. And it’s amazing how I’m like, that’s ridiculous. You know? Like, it’s like, I wouldn’t talk to somebody like that. And if I ever. Mary is so impressive, but it’s like she worked her a** off, but not just because of love, of what she was doing, right? Or a passion or her icky guy or whatever, but because she thought she wasn’t good enough. And the idea that Mary would think she’s not good enough is ridiculous, right? Like, she’s, beautiful, she’s smart, she’s well accomplished, and she works hard. And I cannot imagine that if a person. Again, with the comparison in my head, but if that person feels it, everybody must feel it. How is it possible? And you hear about it all the time. Like, Neil Brennan talks about his impotent, like, his not feeling, like, whatever. Like, his show is his podcast or his Netflix special. And it’s like, well, if he feels it, who doesn’t feel it? And I honestly think everybody.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, we all feel it, right? It’s. Again, going back to the duality and dichotomy. I think that’s even part of it, right? Like, it’s normal to have those feelings, but it’s important to squash it as soon as you can. And I’ve had to do that, like, even my own journey of. Of writing my book recently. And, like, oh, my gosh, is this stupid? Like, I. And I’d hear, like, this voice in my head criticizing what I was writing, and I was like, ah, no, no, no, no. We’re not doing that. I don’t have time for you. It’s almost like this little, like, toddler that you have to, like, all right, settle down. You’re in time out. We don’t have time for that right now.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah, that’s a good analogy of a toddler, because it’s like this voice in your head can sometimes be, like, demanding your attention, but that doesn’t mean they should get it. Yes.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Number one, remember past achievements? We talked about that a little bit

So I’m going to look at your list here. Let’s see. Number one, remember past achievements? We talked about that a little bit.

Wendy Valentine: Let’s. Let’s talk about that a little bit more. Remember past achievements, I’m assuming, is, like, things that you have done where you can go. Yep, I did that. There’s no reason why I can’t do this.

Sheila Buswell: Yes. And, I mean, this is a conversation with yourself in your mind. But, like, I always applied it to running in the military, they teach we have to run 2 miles for our army physical fitness test. But I ended up building on that. If I can run 2 miles in the military, I can run 3 miles. And I ended up going to doing several, full marathons. But it was like I remembered, oh, I did this. I can do that. You know what I like? I built on it. I belong here. And if you look at me now, it’s like, I don’t look like a runner. Well, why don’t you know? So there’s so much that it’s like, in your mind tells you, oh, you don’t look like that person. You shouldn’t be doing this. But you just steer it to be mindful and steer it to, like, I do belong here. I did this. I, you know, I ran. God. Running comes easily because that’s an easy thing to build on. And it’s not engineering, but it was like, I was a good engineer because I was a generator mechanic. Do you know what I mean?

Wendy Valentine: Like, yes.

Sheila Buswell: And I can understand. I was thinking more about, like, I.

Wendy Valentine: Mean, the definition of imposter syndrome. Right. It’s. Or really what it is, is that the fear of people finding out that you’re not who you say you are, but that if you’re just doing you, then how that. How could you be an imposter? Do you know what I mean?

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. Well, and I think so. We talked about how the culture dictates certain stuff, and I think, like, you let that stuff into your head. Like, I’ve heard this quote, and I’m going to mess it up, but it’s like a boat doesn’t sink because it’s in water, it sinks because it lets the water in. And I think, okay, every time. Not every time, but a lot. I’m like, oh, my mom had a rule that the house had to be halfway, half an hour away of cleaning to a dinner party. And definitely if you. I mean, I’m not a domestic goddess, Wendy. It’s probably one of the things I should tell you. But also, it’s like, you know what? The last dinner party I had, when was that? Why. Why do I. Why does that enter into my head?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, isn’t that funny?

Sheila Buswell: And, like, the idea, and Paula talked about this, too, about you, know, how you think about stuff. And then Jodie was talking about, oh, you know, m when she was talking, when she was 20, it was all, you know, people, weren’t I lifting weights? And it wasn’t about being strong, it was about being skinny.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Sheila Buswell: And I, remember that evolution, but.

Wendy Valentine: It was because, oh, gosh, wasn’t that crazy back then?

Sheila Buswell: Well, it’s weird how, like, now we’re middle aged, so we look at it different, but somebody who’s like. But because of that, somebody who’s 20, you know, they don’t make that equip, the equivocation. And I think that’s. That’s good. That’s growth, but it was hard earned to.

How much imposter syndrome has increased over the last 20 decades

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking, too. I wonder. I wonder if. I’m sure that it existed, but how much imposter syndrome increased over the last 20 decades? 20 decades. 20 years. Hello, 20 years, just with social media, because it goes back to the whole comparison thing, right?

Sheila Buswell: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Of, not feeling like you’re good enough. Like, you scroll through Instagram or TikTok and you’ll feel like, oh, my gosh, like, I need to work on my thighs. I need. I don’t speak well. I don’t do this well. Like, we’ll. We’ll always find some reason that we’re not good enough, but I would think imposter syndrome has probably increased over the last couple of decades.

Sheila Buswell: Well, I think it changes because, it depends on where you look before you put your energy. Right? So, like. Yes, but I think if you get in a certain way, but in another way, it’s like, there’s not a lot of female engineers, but there’s a lot more women in the workforce. My sister is a lawyer, and at first, she looked to the left and the right of her, and it was white men, but now it’s a melting pot and not in engineering, because the Delbert cartoon is a reality in my experience. I think it changed. Like, that has changed. But then, like you said, social media, and I think it takes. But I think. I honestly think, like, Gen Z is, like, they know about filters. They’re not going to make the same comparisons. Whereas, like, I don’t know. I compared myself to Michael Jordan always making the shot. Me using a sports analogy is ridiculous. But it’s like, you don’t know where he is.

Wendy Valentine: Those are the best, though. Yes.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah, yeah. And it’s like, he got cut from teams, too. Let’s talk about that. Right? He always wanted to talk about his failures, but people were not failures, but the things that drove him forward. And it was like, he got cut from a team. He, you know, missed the shots many, many times, but he always had the bravery to just keep going. But m me comparing him making a basket on his commercials, and I would let that affect my ability. Like, again, crazy that I’m making a sports ball analogy, but, like, to compare that to what I’m doing or what I’m capable of doing at the basketball. Well, I didn’t spend. I don’t care if I got cut, right? I wouldn’t. But at the same time, like, you know, it’s so easy if you compare yourself directly, right? Like, if you. But I don’t. I think younger people are better at looking at things and being like, well, that’s not real. You know, that’s a. Yeah. Filter on Instagram or whatever. And it’s like, I’m not going to compare my hail damaged a** to some, you know, a**.

Wendy Valentine: Ah.

Sheila Buswell: Hanging out.

Wendy Valentine: I don’t think I’ve ever heard that term before. H*** damage.

Sheila Buswell: Well, I might have. I don’t want to. I might have made it up or, you know, I might have heard it from.

Wendy Valentine: I love it. I love it. That’s good. Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh. Do not compare yourself to others. We got that one. That’s number two.

Give yourself grace. How do you give yourself grace

Number three is give yourself grace. How do you give yourself grace? Now, what is your go to in giving yourself grace?

Sheila Buswell: Oh, this is so hard. When I wrote the book, it was all about, oh, I’m, you know, not this tall. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna play for the WNBA, but that’s okay, because LeBron James or, you know, Michael Jordan aren’t gonna invent a medical device. It’s gonna, you know, whatever. But I recently relearned this, too, because it’s so hard to do. Give yourself grace. But I had pneumonia last year, and we were moving and all the things, and I was trying to keep up with the business, right. And, you know, I had pneumonia. I just didn’t feel good, and it was like I couldn’t get rid of it. And the doctor was like, take it easy. But I was like, my. My life is insane right now. I can’t, you know, just take it easy. So. And I didn’t know what that meant. So it was like a path of learning to be like, okay, yes, there are things I need to do. There was literally piles in my house that I needed to put away, and then, you know, the business and all the other things, but it was like, but I also need to heal and get better, and that’s more important. So I’m going to focus on that and give myself grace for, you know, not the things I didn’t do. Right, because.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. I know. I used to. I still. I have to really watch myself with that one. And I’m trying to get better about giving myself grace, and, oh, it’s so hard to do. It’s. It’s hard. And,

Wendy Valentine: For me, I usually, like, I catch it. I try to catch it, and then I say, girl, you’re doing great. Relax. You’re doing great. You’re doing amazing. Like, I try to, like, cheer myself on.

Sheila Buswell: Oh, I am queen of giving myself pep talks.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, you have to, right? Because we can’t always call our girlfriend, and there’s not always going to be someone there. And. And I think, I mean, that’s a point right there, because I can remember, and I had shared with you, I lived in Williamsburg, Virginia, and that was the last place I had lived before I moved to Chicago and then took off in the RV. Anyways, point is, it was during my whole meltdown period in my life. The divorce, the death of my brother, the depression, yada, yada, right? And one of the things I would do is I would go to this, bookstore that was down in Colonial Williamsburg, and I’d get a little, you know, grande latte, and I would go to the self help section, my section of the store, which I’ve helped myself there quite often. And I was looking for a book that I had not read before. And first of all, I’d read all of them. And then, second of all, I was. I was. I was like, what am I looking for? And, like, I wanted a solution outside of me to solve my problem. And I remember standing there with my grande latte and I thought, s***, I’m the one that has the solution. Not to say the books aren’t amazing and podcast and everything else that’s available to us, but I was like, wendy, at some point you have got to look at yourself for the solution and stop looking outside of yourself.

Sheila Buswell: Wendy, that is so inspiring to hear. But because I think that’s true a lot. Like, yeah, I. Oh, God, I’ve heard again, I’m going to mess up a quote. I, you know, can mess up any quote, but something about how, like, the reason I wrote my book and the reason you wrote your book, I’m thinking, because yours is the memoir is. It’s like, okay, this is how I survived and you’re telling it, but then that could be somebody’s survival guide, right? Like, it’s been done, but it’s true.

Wendy Valentine: You. I m mean, really, the book you wrote was the book that you needed. You wrote the book that you really needed for yourself.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And I did the same. Like, I had the book I just wrote was really the book I needed six years ago. But it. But the point I was making earlier, I really needed to just sit with those emotions like we talked about. I needed to sit there and think about what it is, Wendy. What I had to get out of my own way. We all do. We all stand in our own way. We were the worst at, like just blocking ourselves from our dreams and doing all the things that we, you know, we think about doing. We’re the ones that block that.

Sheila Buswell: Well, oh, my gosh, it’s amazing that you said that.

The number one regret of the dying is living life for everybody else

Could I book five regrets of the dying or something?

Wendy Valentine: Oh, yes, yes.

Sheila Buswell: And it’s like, people generally don’t regret the things they did. They regret the things they didn’t do. And the reason everybody seems to have this list of things they didn’t do is because they’re self talk. Right? Like, there’s a lot of people who, whatever, block themselves. Yeah. There’s their own worst enemies and they, oh, I can’t run a marathon, so I’m not going to run this five k or I’m not going to get up. whatever. It’s like you talk your. I can’t run a ironman, so I’m not even going to say. It’s just ridiculous that. Yes, stories, when you put it under a magnifying glass, the stories we tell ourselves are ridiculous. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And then the number one regret of the dying is living life for everybody else except for yourself.

Sheila Buswell: Oh, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And really that, that, like imposter syndrome, that’s it right there. Because if you have imposter syndrome, you are so worried about everybody else and what they’re gonna think, what they’re gonna say, what they’re gonna do. You are living life for them. You are not living life for yourself.

Sheila Buswell: And what those people think they should see and want to see or whatever makes them comfortable. So then all of a sudden, I say this about imposter syndrome in my book, but I’m just gonna say it here is, it’s like if you’re playing a role that you let other people dictate what that needs to be, there’s no way you’re not going to feel like you don’t. You like an imposter, right? Like, if you have never felt like your genuine self, you know, and people say, bring your genuine self to work, that I have never been my genuine self at work, but I am now. But, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Isn’t that nice though? Like, it’s nice to just be you?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, because not being you takes up so much energy and it’s exhausting trying to be some, someone that you’re not. I did it for a long time, my whole life, pretty much.

Sheila Buswell: Like, I think that’s, I mean, it’s an old feeling too. Not like Oscar Wilde said, oh, be yourself, because everybody else is taken. Or again. But like, that is true. But at the same time, I can understand why people do it. Right? Looking back, I can understand why, you know, I answered, this is a long time ago, but I answered to the wrong name for like years. And one of my things is one of my five in the book, the five whatever personal solutions to imposter syndrome is. You know, is this going to matter in a year? And I didn’t think, say, you know, somebody calling me Rachel and me answering to it once was a big deal, but that once turned into years. And, yeah, so it did matter at that point.

Wendy Valentine: Wow. So someone just kept calling you by the wrong name and you’re just like, just let her think.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah, no. So when I think about it again, when they sat in it, I was like, why did that bug me so much? Well, my older sister was crazy beautiful. She always had these amazing boyfriends. And this guy was from Russia, and his name was Ramona a ramen. But my dad would call him Ramon, and I correct him. And my dad’s like, yeah, I don’t care what his name is. He would just call him by the wrong name to destabilize him and to just bug him a little bit.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: Or to say, your name’s not important. And I think names have power because of that. And my grandma used to say, it’s not what you’re called, it’s what you answer to. And I answered to Rachel for two years. So, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: What was the final straw for you? Where you’re like, eh, that’s not my name.

Sheila Buswell: so there’s many things. but it actually is one of those things where it didn’t really have to do with the fact that the guy was calling me the wrong name. That bugged me, but I had, like, pushed it down, and I didn’t react to, you know, I didn’t react to that. But then other things happened. I remember I was working on it, and I was working on a project, and a guy told me not to worry my pretty little head about it. Not that my concerns were valid, but he. Or, like, whatever, like, I was having.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Like, meh. Kind of, like, brushed it off. Like, whatever.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: And so I think I reacted, like, you know, I didn’t. And I didn’t, like, yell at him or anything, but I just, like, just didn’t answer. Right. Like, oh, my name’s not Rachel. It’s Sheila. So let’s. You know what I mean? Once I stopped answering to it, it stopped. And I think. I think that’s, that had to have.

Wendy Valentine: Felt so good, though, to stand up for you and go, that’s actually not my name.

Sheila Buswell: Well, it wasn’t like I just didn’t answer. I was very passive aggressive about it. I just didn’t answer. And I do think taking reins and taking power gives you, like, you calling yourself the wrong name.

There’s a Seinfeld episode about that. Did you ever see that? I have seen all the Seinfeld episodes

It, like, bends your back, or you start to cower. Like, you talk about being wonder Woman, and, like, that’s. You’re not going to call wonder woman Batman, and she’s not going to let you get away with that. You know what I mean?

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Oh, so good. Wow. Sheila. Sheila, Rachel. There’s a Seinfeld episode about that. Did you ever see that?

Sheila Buswell: I have seen all the Seinfeld episodes, but that’s not.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I think they were calling Elaine a different name. I can’t remember it was her boss or something like that, like, for the longest time, and she’s like, it’s not my name. I can’t remember, but I’ll have to look it up. let’s see.

Number four, be mindful. Of every thought that you possibly can and do meditation

Number four, be mindful. Of your thinking. Well, we talked a lot about that. That’s just being mindful of. Of every thought that you possibly can and do meditation.

Sheila Buswell: If you can and do. You don’t have to meditate for 30 minutes. You can do it for 30 seconds, but it’s good for you and you can build on it. Right? Like, I did it for 30 seconds because it was a hectic Tuesday, but now it’s Wednesday. I’m going to do it for 45. And that’s an improvement. It’s a small improvement, but it’s an improvement. And then work up to. Or don’t. Or stay at it or do it your day or wherever. Like, you’re in Portugal doing spin class, and you might have other, irons in the fire. So you can’t dedicate a half hour to meditating and get your spin class in and get all the other things in and be a, you know, boss or whatever. And so sometimes life gets in the way. But I think being mindful and, like, having that practice of, like, oh, maybe I don’t, in the moment think about every thought that’s going through my head, but I can weed through those thoughts when I’m dating.

Wendy Valentine: Yep, exactly. I think about it, too. Like, speaking of weeds, you have to think of it like a garden, right? And like we talked about earlier, it’s not like you ever just arrive and you’re like, oh, I’m done. I’m done growing and, you know, developing in life, because I’ve done it all. Like, it’s constant. Like, you’re constantly having to weed out the garden, and you’re constantly having to pull things out. They’re like, okay, that’s not working for me. That’s not working for me. And it’s just being mindful of that will actually get you to that place of. Okay, this is. And you arrive more at your authentic self the more that you do that.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah. And I. I mean, it’s amazing how. But how much I hear my parents or teachers or person of authority’s voice, but, like. Huh?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Sheila Buswell: Makes you sound like a. Yes, Wendy? Yes, I agree with you.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, definitely. And finally, number five, will this matter in a year? No, I.

Sheila Buswell: Well, so, like, I. I would have severe reactions when somebody would cut me off in traffic, but in a few breaths, it doesn’t matter. But, like, in the same amount of time, I answered to the wrong name. And, I didn’t think that would matter, but, yeah, it did. You know what I mean?

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. Well, I think too, like, we life is precious. We are precious. And yes, our lives are very, very important and special at the same time. Someday we will all, you know, ashes, ashes, dust to zest. And we’ll all be back to the earth, right? And someday be like, who’s Wendy Valentine? Who the h*** is that? Like, I don’t know whether it’s 100 years from now or 200 or whatever. I mean, I hope maybe this book is so freaking good, you guys, that it just stands the test of time. Like a Michael Jackson song, but.

Sheila Buswell: Or a William Shakespeare play, right? Like, everyone knows that guy’s name.

Wendy Valentine: But I mean, the thing is, at some point, and I guess really, it’s just that what we think is so freaking important is really not that big of a deal. What we stress about on a daily basis or whenever it’s not that big of a deal, it’ll go away.

Sheila Buswell: Yeah, well, it’s. Even recently, I wasn’t great at deciding or like, knowing in the moment when things would matter. if they wouldn’t, or if they didn’t, if I knew they would matter. And I need, okay, I need to, I need to shut this down. Right? I’m not always super articulate or wonderful at that time. I think I’ve said kittens are furry to like, just. Okay, I know you’re talking about this woman engineer’s b***, and I know that that’s not appropriate, so. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t have a gem that I’m going to release here that I’ve been holding back. So I was like, kittens are free. I don’t even have a cat. I don’t know where that came from. But it was like, I just shut it down because I was like, this will matter. And I don’t want silence to be acquiescence. Right? Like, I don’t want the fact that I’m quiet about something to be like. And you agree with me?

Wendy Valentine: Mm

Sheila Buswell: Although this person did have a nice b***. I’m just saying. But it’s like, that should have been the subject of conversation, so. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And that will be the end.

Sheila Buswell: I’m just kidding.

So where can we get a copy of your book? The easiest is Amazon

Wendy Valentine: So where can we get a copy of your book?

Sheila Buswell: So the book is the seat for me, is available in all the places. The easiest is Amazon, and it’s available on ebook, paperbacker, audiobook. And I. My favorite way personally, to consume the book is listening to the audiobook because there’s eight different stories with eight different people doing the voice actor voice acting. And, it’s not like, to me, I like that Kate Manson is an engineer and she looks like a Disney princess, but her voice is somebody who did a voice for a Disney princess. So. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s nice because we all connect through stories, right? Makes you feel like you’re not alone when you hear somebody else’s story.

Sheila Buswell: Well, and you always think, this other person, this is what I thought about imposter syndrome. Oh, I have it, but this person wouldn’t have it. And what I’ve come to learn is everybody has it about different things. Right. But they have it. Mm.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. Well, I’m glad you pushed through it, though.

Sheila Buswell: Thank you. Although I’m 47, it would be really awesome if I was where I’m at now when I was 27, but that looks like.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. And you’re here now. I love it. I don’t know if we would have met. So this is perfect.

I loved listening to your podcast. It’s amazing. And, yeah, your book. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here

Sheila Buswell: Oh, I. So first I just want to say, like, the podcast, I was not like the name of it, the midlife. And I don’t know that I would have thought at the time, like, oh, I don’t want to identify as that because. But I am midlife. I’m more like, yeah, if you cut it, double my age now, that’s be well beyond what the normal lifespan of a human is. But, I don’t know, I was like, oh, do I want. But I have nothing but listening to the previous episodes. And I was like, yes, these are awesome women that to be. I mean, I don’t, I haven’t, I’ve only listened to women. I don’t know if you.

Wendy Valentine: Every now and then I’ll have a man on there, you know? But.

Sheila Buswell: It’S amazing.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, it’s amazing. They are amazing what they’ve done and continue to do. Like, I learned so much from everyone that’s on the show, and I’m not.

Sheila Buswell: Gonna be on the COVID of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Wendy Valentine: Like, me neither.

Sheila Buswell: But, like, I identified with her story so much. You know what I mean?

Wendy Valentine: I know. Yeah. She’s beautiful inside and out. Yeah. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here.

Sheila Buswell: Thank you. Oh, I should mention this. before I go, I have the website, istheseatforme.com. if you go and enter in your email address, and then you’ll get a chapter of the book and I won’t spam you. Right?

Wendy Valentine: Oh, nice. Well, what if I want to be spammed?

Sheila Buswell: We can start a conversation. You’ll have my email address, too, and you can spam me back why is she.

Wendy Valentine: It’s. Is this seat for me.com? is that what it is?

Sheila Buswell: Yep.

Wendy Valentine: Perfect. I love it. Great title. Well, thank you so much. And, yeah, everyone get a copy of her book.

Sheila Buswell: Thank you. And, yeah, your book. I’m so excited about that.

Wendy Valentine: Spring. Spring. It’s gonna bloom in the spring so much as, you know, so much that goes on with these books.

Sheila Buswell: Shoo wee. And it takes longer than you think. Like, I totally thought the book would be out months before. Actually, you know what I like.

Wendy Valentine: I know.

Sheila Buswell: life.

Wendy Valentine: It’s all good. Thank you so much, everyone. Have a great day.

Sheila Buswell: Bye.