Holly Bertone is a former FBI chief of staff for counterintelligence

Wendy Valentine: Welcome back to the Midlife Makeover Show. I’m your host, Wendy Valentine, and today we’re diving into the art of transformation with someone who truly knows how to make a comeback. Holly Bertone is a former FBI chief of staff for counterintelligence turned certified holistic health coach and host of the your midlife comeback story podcast. Love the name. Her journey is nothing short of extraordinary, ordinary. From overcoming breast cancer and healing from an autoimmune disease to guiding midlife women toward ditching the diet cycle and reclaiming their health and vitality, Holly is here to share her unique five step rocky framework, a powerful approach to creating lasting, sustainable results without the burnout. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a cycle of stress, weight gain, or restless nights, yes, this conversation will inspire and empower you to take charge of your midlife health, health and happiness. Please welcome Holly to the show.

Holly Bertone: Yay. Thank you so much, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: You are so welcome. It’s great to have you here. And I was looking at your website before we started, and I noticed there’s. Well, there’s quite a few things that we have in common. but number one, my dad is a retired FBI agent that I think I shared with you. I also like to sing 80s songs and totally off key. And I, too, snort when I laugh.

Holly Bertone: I love it.

Wendy Valentine: And as you know, I also have a comeback story. Yeah, the best story. So share your comeback story. Which sounds, Yeah, a little bit of what I read. It’s. It’s got to be amazing.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. Yeah. So, Oh, my goodness. I don’t even know where to start. I actually like to start when I was about 10 years old. And we just have to divert for a second because it’s gonna. We’re gonna thread the needle.

Wendy Valentine: Full circle. We get full circle.

Holly Bertone: When I was about 10 years old, one of my favorite things to do, I loved putting jigsaw puzzles together. And the thing was, you get a thousand pieces. Well, it was too easy for me. And we had this huge dining room table where, when. When I was growing up. So I would get three different puzzles, thousand piece puzzles, dump them out on the table, mix them up, and then put them together.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, my gosh.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. Nerd alert.

Wendy Valentine: Total nerd. But I’m right there with you. I would. I would have joined you. I’m like, oh, yes, let’s do it.

Holly Bertone: So fast forward. When I was in high school, I wanted to work for the FBI. And it was. It was my dream job. Fast forward again. Post 9 11. I was doing some consulting Work. The opportunities came up to get a clearance. I got my clearance. One of my old managers calls. He’s like, hey, I’ got this, you know, great position down in Quantico. Do you want to come work for the FBI? I’m like, yeah, I’ll be there in 45 minutes. So, so I started post, you know, 9 11, Patriot act stuff. And you got to remember back then, the, Like, no one was talking. The agencies weren’t talking to each other. We didn’t have these elaborate systems and databases like we do today. And, you know, the Internet was still relatively new. Databases were still just kind of coming into their own. So a, part of what I did in Quantico and then at headquarters, what, I would take these disparate pieces of the FBI and basically put them together. Exact same thing as I did when I was 10 years old with the puzzle. And a lot of this came out of the. It was the 911 Commission Report. It was the WMD Commission Report that came out of Congress. And they’re like, okay, FBI, like, you suck. Like, this is what you need to do. So that’s what I did. And I guess I did it, I think, three or four or five times. Four or five times. And yeah, they. I guess my work so much that they actually created the billet for me. I was 37 at the time, and they created the GS15 billet for me, which is unheard of. Number one, to be female, number two, to not be an agent, to be put in the Chief of Staff position. I don’t know what it’s like today, but back then that was unheard of. So, yeah, so it was such a huge honor. I got to be the Chief of Staff for Counterintelligence and manage all of the data analytics. So, it was. It was a dream come true. It was literally my dream job. You know, I got to, like, we. We literally found clues. We looked at trends.

Wendy Valentine: We.

We went back, we looked at, you know, the. We developed systems so that we could really analyze the data

Holly Bertone: We went back, we looked at, you know, the. All of the data that we could. We developed systems so that we could really analyze the data. We looked at trends, we looked at threats. You know, we set up chipwires, like.

Wendy Valentine: All of this stuff.

Holly Bertone: And I can get into it as we. As we, you know, kind of get into the interview and talk more about the coaching and how that all ties in.

M. M. was diagnosed with breast cancer on his 39th birthday

So. But then what happened on my 39th birthday was when everything just came crashing down. So I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wendy Valentine: on.

Holly Bertone: On my 39th.

Wendy Valentine: On your birthday?

Holly Bertone: On my birthday, yeah. Happy birthday to me. and then so I went through the chemo. Radiation. Yeah. Or surgery. Chemo, radiation. And then one year later I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, which is ah, autoimmune thyroid disorder. But what happened, and we could get into this too, is that I didn’t make any changes. I just kept on doing the career thing, being the overachiever, being the adrenaline junkie. I was a competitive mountain bike racer. I was, you know, a competitive athlete. I had dropped in my 20s when I, when I, right around when I turned 30, I had dropped like 40, 45 pounds. I dropped a lot of weight and became an athlete. but what happened was my lifestyle, my, my, my stress was through the roof with this adrenaline junkie kind of lifestyle. My eating was atrocious. It was probably a 90% processed food diet. My emotional eating was through the roof as well, even though I was 110 pounds. You, know, so, so going through all of this, what had happened over the years was that my health just kept getting worse and worse and worse because I didn’t make any changes.

Wendy Valentine: And eventually that stuff will catch up with you.

Holly Bertone: Huh?

Wendy Valentine: Huh?

Holly Bertone: Oh yeah, it definitely does. It definitely does. So yeah. So I ended up resigning from the FBI, my dream job. I walled in some self pity for a while. I became a certified holistic health coach. But here’s where, here’s where the story. We’re just going to take one final pivot because here’s where it gets really interesting because you know, I, I healed myself. Okay. Check like I’m, I’m good, I’m healthy now. But when I turned 49 was really when it all came together. When I was like this is the, this is the picture that’s all coming together. And when I turned 49, I looked in the mirror and my face was puffy. I was, I was still, I was about 10 pounds heavier than I probably should have been. you know, just like really that top end of a healthy weight, you know, my, my, my body fat was up. and I just, I just didn’t look good. Like I felt flabby and just like frumpy and I’m like this is not, I felt like an 8 year old woman in this 49 year old body. But it wasn’t just that, Wendy. I was embarrassed.

Holly Bertone: Because as a health coach I had this like somehow this pressure or this image that I’m supposed to look a certain way.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: And my weight is supposed to be a certain way. And that was pretty much what really. I started putting Getting out that. What is it? The magnifying glass, Right. Like, starting to look for more clues, putting the FBI hat back on. Because, like, okay, I’ve got this health thing figured out. Living a more holistic lifestyle, more natural lifestyle. But what is it, what is it that’s different about mid life? M. That causes, even if with the best of intentions, even with the biggest freaking salad for lunch, what is it that causes us to gain weight, to just eat, like, eat our feelings, you know, that, that ice cream, you’re like scraping your spoon, scraping the bottom of the container after a long day. What is it? And that’s really when things started to click, when I, when I put the FBI hat back on and I went on a mission to figure out what got us here. And that’s when things really started to take off and, you know, really started to work with women in midlife and working on, you know, getting from that place of just being, you know, the overweight and the flabby and the frustrated and the, you know, just all of these things and learning to actually come back home to ourselves.

Holly Bertone: And what that journey looks like.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. So what were those puzzle pieces, those missing puzzle pieces that you figured out from midlife that’s like, okay, why is it that we hit our mid-40s or in our 50s and we start to, you know, we’ll look in the mirror and we look a little pudgy, or we’re retaining water, we just don’t look the same, or we’re gaining weight. What, what were those missing pieces, do you think?

Holly Bertone: There’s, there’s quite a few and I’m sure we’re going to uncover quite a few of them.

92% of diets fail, according to one study

one thing I like to, like to liken this too is, you know, how. Well, first of all, the statistic that I’ve seen Everywhere is that 92% of diets fail.

Wendy Valentine: Oh yeah, for sure.

Holly Bertone: So I think one of those big pieces is that we’re following an industry that basically expects us to fail 92% of the time.

Holly Bertone: So how many things in your life, like, would you go to a car mechanic that is not going to fix your car accurately 92% of the time, like only 8% of our brakes work.

Wendy Valentine: You know, that’s all you need.

Holly Bertone: Would you, would you get on an airplane with a pilot that only has an 8% success rate in landing plane? But we continue to do the same things with this, with the diet industry. So that’s one of the key pieces. So that’s really one where I Was like, okay, why is this? And it got me thinking. You know how lottery winners, and I’m sure you heard this statistic. I think it’s like 70, over 70%. But lottery winners, when they win the lottery, about 70% of them either lose all their money or they go bankrupt. And it’s a thing. It’s a legitimate thing. It’s called the lottery curse.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, interesting.

Holly Bertone: So why is this, okay, you just got everything you wanted. You just got millions and millions of dollars. Why is this. And it’s. It’s. The parallels are there. It’s because, number one, they didn’t address what got them there in the first place, number one. Number two, they were not good stewards of their money.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: And then, number three, they didn’t change their habits.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Holly Bertone: And I think if we use this as a parallel to weight loss, and especially in midlife, it’s identical.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Yeah, totally. Because you do have to change your mindset. Right. Just like I was saying earlier, all of those things catch up with you. The things that we used to be able to get away with when we’re in our 20s, you know, staying up late, eating some chips, eating some ice cream. You know, like, you could do all those things, but eventually that catches up with you. And I find me, like I was telling you, next week is my birthday. Turning 52.

Holly Bertone: Happy birthday. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you. And I do. My body is more sensitive now, like, to the small. Like to. Whether it be a cup of tea, the type of tea. Like, did I drink water? Did I drink too much water? Did I have, you know, chicken? All. All of it matters. Did I sleep? Did I not sleep? Like, my body is much more sensitive than it used to be. And actually, I would say even just reactive, right. How it reacts. Like, it can react so much, more loudly, if you will. Like, sometimes my body’s screaming at me, like, when do you slow down, you’re doing too much, or, you know, rest, whatever. So, yeah, that’s. That’s, what I find is quite interesting. In 40s and 50s, and of course, you add in perimenopause and menopause, and that’s. That’s a whole other ball game. Yes. Yeah. So,

Tell me a little bit more about your comeback story

So tell me. I want to hear a little bit more your comeback story. I want to go back a little bit. And what does comeback story mean to you? And tell me a little bit more. When you. You found out you had the cancer, and how did you actually get the courage to get through all of that and get to, you know, like where you’re at now.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. So a couple things. first of all, and I think the word comeback has, has a meaning. Like we think about the comeback as some big advent or big adversity. We think Back to the 80s movies with the montage, you know, Jennifer Beals putting on her leg warmers or Karate Kids painting the fence. Like all of the 80s movies were all about the comeback story. But I feel like it doesn’t have to be the big thing because what happens by this, especially by the time we get to midlife, like it is just an avalanche of all of the little day to day everythings that add up over the days, the weeks, the months and the years that cause us to live in burnout. It causes us to disconnect to our disconnect from ourselves. And it causes, really causes that weight gain, the cycle and the actions that we do that cause the waking. So when you think of a comeback, it’s really just I. It’s almost like the frog in the boiling water, if you’re familiar with that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Like, you know, we just have all of these years that we’re in the boiling water and the next thing you know we’re just like who am I and how did I get here? Like so, so the comeback is really just coming back home to you. It’s, it’s finding, finding that path of how did I get here and how do I get back? And I think a big piece of it is coming back to. In our, you know, 20s and even 30s, we’re told to chase the career, to chase the spouse, to chase the 2.5 kids, to chase the big house and all of the things. And by the time we’re 40ish, we’ve collected most or all of the things. Well now our val. Our, our, our how we get our validation in life, you know, how we receive our worth is through all of these things. So we give and we give and we give to our career, to our spouse, to our kids, to the house, to the community, to the everything.

Wendy Valentine: But not to ourselves.

Holly Bertone: But not to ourselves.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Absolutely. And, and I think also the whole midlife thing, when they say 2.5 kids, by the time you hit midlife, that 0.5 kid is actually your aging parent that you’re taking care of.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, I know we’re in the sandwich generation right now.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: There’s many of us where we still have kids at home and maybe even grandkids.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And we have aging parents to take care of.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. So, so that. To Answer kind of your question from, from the Comeback. For me, I. I did. So I did the cancer thing in a way that I don’t recommend. Mm.

Holly Bertone: Because it took me. You know, sometimes you learn the lessons, the, you know, the feather, and you’re like, oh, I got it. I’m going to go change. But for was just boulders and more boulders and more boulders before I learned my lesson. So it took me m. Quite a few years. but during cancer, what I did was I kept life as normal as possible.

Holly Bertone: So I would, you know, for example, I would, I’d go into work at the FBI. I’d leave work early. I’d go to cancer treatment. I’d leave cancer treatment. I would drive across town to my stepson’s school, pick him up, drive home, make dinner for the family. Like it. Life was identical except for the fact that I was going through cancer treatment. I didn’t stop, I didn’t realize this is your time to stop and take care of yourself. I just thought it was a huge inconvenience.

Wendy Valentine: So if you, if you had to, if you could, if you could go back, what would you do differently?

Holly Bertone: and the other piece of it was nutrition. Right. So again, still eating tons of processed food and.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: And, and all of the things. So, you know, I think from that perspective, I literally would do everything differently. I would do everything differently. first of all, I, and this is gonna be a little controversial. I may or may not have go through chemo.

Holly Bertone: So that right there is a whole different thing. Number two, nutrition, was, I just didn’t even know. I did not know that I was supposed to be eating a lot healthier. number three, I would be totally detoxing my body throughout the entire time. number four, I would stop, just flat out stop everything in my life and heal.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Just giving yourself the gift of healing.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: That can make such a big difference.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, I mean, I literally remember there were days, you know, finishing up treatment, putting on my heels, running down the hallway, you know, trying to just like, oh, I gotta pick up my stepson from school in time. I was just like, I don’t have time for cancer. It was an inconvenience. I didn’t realize what.

My health got so bad again, I didn’t stop. I kept doing bad habits and lifestyle

Wendy Valentine: So you ended up. You didn’t even resign from your job until after?

Holly Bertone: yeah, it was 2017. It was seven years later.

Wendy Valentine: What, what made you decide? What was that final like, okay, I’ve gotta resign. I’m out. I.

Holly Bertone: My health got so bad again, I didn’t stop. And I kept doing all of the bad habits and the lifestyle and the nutrition and the stress. I kept doing that what got me sick, I kept doing those things. So I just kept getting sicker because I didn’t stop doing those lifestyle things that got me there in the first place.

Holly Bertone: So, yeah, I mean, I literally got to a point I could barely get out of bed. I mean, it wasn’t just I was tired or fatigued, I could barely get out of bed. I mean, I was not functioning. And that was a time when I actually did stop. I just stopped everything around me and I just, I took months and I needed to heal.

How did your diet change? What did you learn from that whole experience

Wendy Valentine: How did your, how did your dietary, how did, let me, let me start over. How did your diet change? What did you learn from that whole experience? And, and how did you start, you know, eating better? What type of foods did you feel like were really making a big difference for you?

Holly Bertone: Yeah, it wasn’t until I became a certified, holistic health coach that I actually started diving into nutrition and realizing that it is such, I mean, nutrition is everything. You know, stress. If you play a game of rock paper, scissors with quarter, with, with cortisol, with stress, with nutrition and with exercise, first of all, stress is always going to win. Right? Stress is always going to win over nutrition or exercise. But you can eat without exercising and be healthier. I don’t recommend it. I do not recommend it. But what I’m saying is if you try to exercise without changing your nutrition, especially at this weight, you’re not going to see any changes.

Wendy Valentine: I totally agree.

Holly Bertone: Nutrition without exercising, you’re going to see changes. But again, I do not recommend that. But I’m saying that’s how important nutrition is.

Wendy Valentine: Hm.

Holly Bertone: And it took me a, it took me a while too to figure out a journey of, you know, and this is why I believe so much with individualized wellness. And, and how really my, my, the clients who I work with, like, we just, we ditch the diet culture. We ditch everything that diet culture stands for because of that individualized wellness. I mean, there were periods of my life where, you know, I was, I was vegan ish. And it worked really well for me. There were periods of my life where I was keto ish and it worked very well for me. Right. So it paleo ish. It’s always an ish. I was never 100% compliant. I’m a little bit of a rebel. but that’s when I learned that there’s going to be different times in your life. And different circumstances and, you know, depending on what you’re trying to do. Are you trying to get healthier? Are you trying to lose weight? All the things. And then also where your body is at.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: So from me going through that journey, and I’m realizing, okay, I was 110 pounds, I was eating all processed foods, and emotional eating got extremely triggered. Sugar, aholic, junk foodaholic. And I got really sick because of it.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: So health does not equal weight, and weight does not equal health. They’re both factors.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: But that right there just disproves that. You know, weight does not, you know, if you’re, quote, unquote, thin and athletic, that doesn’t mean you’re healthy.

Wendy Valentine: Healthy. Correct.

Holly Bertone: A Right, Yes. And. And, you know, and now fast forward. At £120, I’m healthier now than I’ve been ever my entire life.

Wendy Valentine: And I would guess happier and much happier.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: And. And not emotional eating, not letting food dictate my life, not letting stress dictate my life. And, you know, so I really feel it’s. For me, it was a very long journey, and I really try to compress that time for my clients. I mean, I feel like the journey is really important, but at the same time, no one needs to take 10 years to get there.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mean, if you know the shortcuts, then why not?

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it sounds like the number one thing was. Was making you number one, was making yourself a priority.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, absolutely.

Wendy Valentine: I mean, sometimes you do have to go through it a bit till you realize, oh, maybe this isn’t working and I’m going to love myself and take care of myself and stop, all the things that are causing stress to my body and mind.

Speaking of mind, I think on your website you mentioned something about neuroplasticity

Speaking of mind, I think on your website you mentioned something about neuroplasticity. So let’s talk about that a little bit. Tell them what neuroplasticity is and how that played a part in changing your life.

Holly Bertone: I like to keep this super simple. The neurons in our brain that fire together, wire together. So, and as you were talking, actually, I was thinking of something I wanted to share, so I’m just going to share it in this context when we. So, okay, so we’ve got the. The career, the spouse, the kids, the house, let’s say, all right, we’ve collected our things, and these things equal our value in our head. Now, they don’t. Our value is within us, but we perceive what we do for these things and these people as how we get our value, how we get our Worth as a human being. So that is a way that our brain is wired. That is the story that we keep telling ourselves and we get our reward from telling ourselves over and over again that this is true.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Holly Bertone: So for example, let’s say you say I want to start eating healthier, I want to start. Maybe I’m going to start. Actually, you know what, let’s say, I want to start, exercising in the morning. All right. So I want to do this thing for myself that I know is, is good for me, but. And you do that for a few days, but then you realize, oh, well, I got to get up early, I got to exercise and then I still have to make breakfast for the family or get the lunches ready or take the kids to school, whatever. You know, I still have to do all this stuff and then get my own, you know, self to, you know, my work or my computer or zoom or whatever. So now all of this other stuff is what wins.

Holly Bertone: Because we’re getting our validation from being that woman who helps other people.

Wendy Valentine: Correct.

Holly Bertone: We don’t get our validation from, I’m going to go work out. And that is how our brain is wired. And not just that, we also use food as a surrogate. So when we’re not getting that validation, when we’re not getting that self worth, we’re craving it. And food is one of the easiest surrogates. And this is, and, and like I said, I am a front row member of spoon, scraping the bottom of the ice cream container.

Wendy Valentine: That’s the best part, isn’t it?

Holly Bertone: Yeah, I’m, I’m not, you know, and, and there’s some women who can eat a bite and they’re fine. Like, yeah, most women I work with, they’re like, if I see one cookie, the whole sleeve is gone. So they’re my people, you’re my people. Like that’s, that was me. So, so when you think of it from that perspective, right. When we can start rewiring our brain to feel that worth and validation inside of ourselves.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: And that takes a lot, that takes a lot of unpacking and we can get into the framework here in a minute. But that takes a lot of unpacking to get to that place. And that’s what I love to do, is to help women take these, these, the neurons that fire together, wire together. Where all of this is now focused outside of them is now focused inside. And we, and we do exercises and we do meditations and we do coaching and all of these things to, to get There to help rewire those wirings and connections. So they’re now like, oh, I don’t need to eat to feel. Because we don’t, we don’t associate food with validation or food with worth. We associate food with I’m stressed or I need to, use it as a reward. Right. I worked hard today. I deserve to stop at Chick Fil A and hit the drive thru versus cooking dinner tonight.

Holly Bertone: This is, this is what, the justification that goes on in our head. So, you know, so, so this is that validation that we’re. But we don’t associate food with validation. In our logical mind we’re like, food is just, I just need it, I just want it, I’m just craving it, I just can’t stop snacking. But when you can actually recognize this and do those things to reverse that, that’s when you’re no longer looking at food for that surrogate.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. And just having the awareness, being conscious of what you’re doing on a day to day basis. Sometimes we’re all so busy we don’t even realize that we just scarf down, you know, a piece of chocolate cake. Like, oh my gosh, did I just do that? So it’s like really just being aware of what you’re doing. Kind of like what I call like the drone effect. If there was a drone following you throughout the day, like, what am I doing? How am I eating? What am I eating? How am I moving? How am m. I not moving? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Because it’s all, it’s all connected. And I do believe like it does start in your mind and how, how you think of yourself and who you are without all those labels. Like you said, like if, if I wasn’t, you know, working for the FBI, if I didn’t have that label, if I didn’t, if I wasn’t a mother, a daughter, you know, a. Who am I without all of those labels? And who, how do you.

Holly Bertone: And that’s a vulnerable and scary place to be when you take away all those labels.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Yeah. And I think a lot of that, I mean, going back, about the midlife thing and because as the nest gets emptied, some, some of us go through divorce and all of those labels get removed from us. Like, or they change and that’s scary and vulnerable. Exactly. And sometimes we will go to food as comfort.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: For all of those things as we are changing.

You’re literally changing your brain, you’re changing your life

Holly Bertone: And Wendy, I wanted to share too. You know how this manifests if you list your listeners are like, okay, what, what does this even mean? Like, how does this even manifest? The way that I like to explain it is my clients, like, they just say I just put the fork down. So there’s no willpower, there’s no deprivation, there’s no like, oh, I’m going to be mindful in the way I eat. Or you know, I, I gotta like, you know, have to argue with myself or have all this willpower. It is literally, they’re like, I just put the fork down.

Holly Bertone: Like I either took a bite or two and I just put the fork down or I put it up to my mouth and I just realized I didn’t even want it and I put the fork down and I didn’t touch it. And it’s just like this automatic switch in your brain. Like that’s where, that’s where the magic happens. Because it’s not like that. I mean the habits help. The habits are, the habits are going to help you keep get that to stick again. That back to that 90%. Right. We want the habits to stick. So, and I like to think of it like smokers. Like if you’re not a smoker and someone offered you a pack of cigarettes, you’re going to be like, of course not, I don’t want it. Well, everyone else is smoking. Well, I don’t want it. I don’t smoke.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: So it’s exactly like that. You’re just wired a whole different way.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Like you said, the what is it? The neurons that fire together. Wired together. Right. Yes. And so when you break that neural pathway to actually think differently.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Then you are becoming a new person as a result. You’re literally changing your brain, you’re changing your life. It’s fascinating. It is, it’s crazy. That neuroplasticity wasn’t even like they didn’t even realize that you could do that until not even 30 years ago. It’s like putting people on the moon before that all.

Your five step Rocky framework can help us break free from emotional eating triggers

right, let’s talk about your five step Rocky framework. And how does that. Yeah. How can, how does that help with us creating lasting changes?

Holly Bertone: Yeah, absolutely. So ours what I call rear view mirror. So. Oh. So first of all, let me back up. So Rocky is inspired by the, what I call the best comeback movie of all time. Karate Kids are number two. So it is what it is. So. Yeah. So I call it the Rocky inspired framework because I just, I love Rocky. It’s like it really is the best comeback movie. And the best part, he went 15 rounds with Apollo Creed and He actually lost, which I think everyone forgets he lost that first. In the first movie. He actually lost. So it was, but it was who he became during that, you know, during, that whole thing. So anyway, so yeah, so this is the rock inspired framework. So R is Rear view mirror. And that’s really, we’re talking about emotional eating. Like that’s really where we go first is to, to break free from those emotional eating triggers. Because if we go right into, you know, the diets and what to eat or the habits or things like that, you’re like, you’re, you still have this in the background. Back to what I talked about with, with the lottery curse, right. And we can’t, we can’t go back in our DeLorean and change the past, but we can make peace with it and we can make forgiveness with it. And, and I like to say, this is kind of where what I call, I call this the good girl, the good girl spiral. And this is really where I think this, this, this comes into play because a lot of us play the good girl role and we, you know, the people pleasers and you know, the perfectionist. The perfectionist, all the things. Right. So, so stage one and there’s, and seven. I’ll go through really quick. So stage one is willpower. Like, you’re like, I am just going to just say no to the dessert. So whether you’re out with your friends or you know, your in laws house or whatever, you’re like, I’m going to say no to the dessert. Stage two is you apologize. So like, oh, why aren’t you having dessert? Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m on a diet.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Stage three is the peer pressure. This is when you know the, the squad’s like, yeah, it’s a celebration. we’re here celebrating so and so’s birthday. You, you know, you better have that piece of cake kind of thing. And then stage stage four is the justify and the over explain. You have this five minute just diatribe of all of the things going on in your life and it’s just, it just comes out of your mouth. This over explained and overshare of all of the reasons why you can’t because you’re on diet. And then you know, of course you’re like, oh, I just said a lot too much. So stage yeah. So stage five is when the more peer pressure comes in, plus the guilt, oh, you know, this is your friend’s birthday. It’s all the things you know or you Know your mother spent all day making your favorite cookies. You know, whatever that is. There’s always that guilt that’s added on to the, to the peer pressure. Right. And then stage six, you just give up and eat the thing.

Wendy Valentine: Mm,

Holly Bertone: Because it’s just easier. You would rather just appease everyone, eat.

Wendy Valentine: The darn thing instead of trying to explain. Yes.

Holly Bertone: Rather than, rather than fight. Yeah. And then stage seven, you wake up with a good girl hangover and you’re like, first of all, you feel like crap because you ate the thing. Second of all, you feel like crap because you’re like, I always do this. I always do this to myself.

Wendy Valentine: Right. Then there’s the guilt and there’s the shame and then it just. A vicious cycle.

Holly Bertone: Absolutely, absolutely. So really the goal is to start recognizing and breaking these chains and breaking these patterns that have us tethered to the past, to being the good girl, to being the people pleaser, to being the perfectionist, to being the one that has to do everything for everyone.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: So that’s R. So O. Is own your ship. And I like to say ship with a P. Like a boat. You can call it whatever you want, but this one is super unpopular these days and this one is personal responsibility.

Now you were talking about my cancer journey and what I would have changed

Holly Bertone: Now you were talking about my cancer journey and what I would have changed. Here’s what’s interesting about that, is that when, when I had my first appointment with my, with my doctor, she put her hand on my knee. Wendy, do you want to know what she said to me at 39 years old when I’m like, how did this even happen?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: She said, lightning struck. Now back then I needed that piece. Now I know it’s a complete lie, but, I needed that piece. But it’s one of the worst things that a doctor can say because. It took this, this really big disease and it just completely removed it from myself. As in, oh, I have. There’s nothing that I’ve done or nothing that I can change. It just happened.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: And that was such a disservice because for years I believed that. And again, partly why I didn’t change anything. When I was going through cancer treatment, I just thought it was an inconvenience. Lightning struck.

Wendy Valentine: Wow. Like something. Yeah, like something that could not be controlled and you couldn’t take any steps to change it.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. So. And you know what I learned is that disease doesn’t just wake up. Whether it’s cancer, autoimmune, you know, diabetes, heart disease. These diseases don’t just wake up one day and say, I, you know, that Holly Bertone, I don’t like her, so I’m just going to go make her life miserable. Like, this is not how disease works. Disease is end stage inflammation. And 95% is caused by these lifestyle factors.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: It’s caused by our food, our exercise, our movement, our sleep. You know, all of these, are thoughts, the toxins we’re surrounding ourselves with, like all of these things added up into just a big soup that creates inflammation.

Wendy Valentine: Right. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s not like you got struck by lightning. Something happens within a storm. Like, no, this was brewing for a while.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. And, and I think so often, you know, we want these kind of, guarantees. So, oh, if I do all of this and I’m quote unquote healthy, I’m not going to get sick. I mean, nothing is guaranteed.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: But you can definitely minimize your risk.

Holly Bertone: And that’s a big piece of the O, which is own your ship.

Wendy Valentine: Own your ship.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I like it.

This is all about metabolic health and how it affects your quality of life

Holly Bertone: So let’s say we’ve now, you know, we’ve come to peace with our past. We’ve dealt with the emotional eating. We’re now responsible. But what’s still missing is, okay, what am I supposed to eat, what am I supposed to eat, what am I supposed to do? And then this is where the C comes in. This is create your future self. M. And I like to say, when we’re at this age, in midlife, we need to be extra focused on what our life is going to look like 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now. And so many women are like, I have so many fires going on right now. I’ve got the fires work, I got the fires at home. I can’t think 15 minutes out, let alone 15 years.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: But we need to be focused on, all of our decisions that we make today, especially with nutrition, with exercise, with stress and with sleep is going to impact the quality of our life. So when I say this is all about metabolic health. So we’re looking at body fat, blood sugar, blood pressure, bone health, muscle mass and resting metabolic rate. And I hear so many women say, for example, I hate squats, I’ll go exercise, but I am not going to do squats. And my answer to that is, okay, let’s say you’re 50 years old, let’s say you live to be 85, that’s 35 years.

Holly Bertone: Okay. We go to the bathroom on average eight times a day, give or take. Sometimes there are some pelvic floor issues going on. So there’s, you know, hello, midlife. Sometimes a few more, but we’ll say average eight times a day. Eight times a day, times 35 years.

Holly Bertone: You’re going to be doing 100,000 squats.

Wendy Valentine: Whoa. I’ve never thought about that before. It’s a good thing, right? I love squats.

Holly Bertone: I know. I do too. So it doesn’t matter if you love them or hate them. M. But your quality of life getting on and off the toilet.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Is going to be dictated by your strength in your legs, in your back, in your knees.

Wendy Valentine: There was something on, it was blue zones where Dan Buettner talked about one of the things that they all had in common, the ones that lived till 100, is that they did a lot of squats, a lot of like, bending over, like whether they were in the garden or going to the grocery store picking up the bags. That was one thing that they all had in common and was actually like bending over and doing squats. Yeah. Interesting.

Holly Bertone: So this is, this is focused on, you know, like I said, the, the key ones. I mean, there’s more, but the key ones are the nutrition, exercise, stress and sleep.

Wendy Valentine: And we really need.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, this is, this is vital. Not just for today, not just for losing weight, not just for emotionally, not just for a, today thing. This is how. This is if you want to be the grandmother who, when the kids call, they’re like, hey, we’re going on vacation, we’re going to the amusement park, we’re taking the kids wherever. You’re like, my bags are packed, let’s go.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: And you’re actually out running around and being able to keep up with them. Like, that’s what I want.

Wendy Valentine: Right. Huh? How you take care of your body for tomorrow is how you take care of your body today.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: So. So even with like, let’s say we, you know, we’ve got the emotional eating taken care of, we’ve got, we’re like dialed in with our, you know, nutrition and movement. There’s still one more key piece that’s missing, and that is how do we get this to stick? So that’s where K comes in. K is keep the vision, not the view. And I. So life always gets lifey.

Wendy Valentine: I like that. Life always gets lifey.

Holly Bertone: The obstacles are going to happen on a daily basis. So how many times are we like, oh, I want to go do the thing, I want to eat healthier, I want to lose some weight, I want to exercise more. All the things that we say, and then what happens is that we start it for a couple days and then the thing gets hard and then we’re just right back to square one. It’s like, oh, I’ll start again on Monday. I’ll start after the holidays. I’ll start, I’ll start when summer, when the kids are on summer vacation. I’ll start when summer vacation’s over. I’ll start when work slows down. Like it’s always a. I’ll start when.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: Because these obstacles derail your progress.

Holly Bertone: And what we need to do is learn how to not let the stress and not let the obstacles hijack your day. And I, and I call it more of a coexist because it’s not going to go away. I mean, the career, the family, the spouses, all of these responsibilities that we have and we love, even though we’re burning ourselves, you know, with both ends of the candles, like we still love the things. Like this is our life and we, we want these things in our life. So it’s not about getting rid of it. It’s about really realigning your relationship with stress.

Holly Bertone: And I think a lot of women think of like self care at this point. And, and I like to address self care because it’s good, I agree with it. But I think we’ve got it all wrong.

Holly Bertone: Because this is when you think about if you go to a massage and you come out 60 minutes later, you’re like, oh, I’m a puddle. Right. But then what happens? You get in the car, you put your key in the ignition, and what happens? It’s like the weight of the world is all of a sudden you’re like the to do list and everything you have to do. So it’s not necessarily self care. It’s more learning to regulate your nervous system.

Sometimes obstacles can be a form of self sabotage

And being in that place where you can learn how to not let these obstacles.

Wendy Valentine: Right. Sometimes I think those obstacles can be a form of self sabotage where you’ll allow those things to deter you and throw you off. You’re like. Because deep down maybe you don’t feel like you really are worthy of either, you, know, getting the career that you want or losing the weight, or you’re creating the life that you want. So you’ll allow these things I used to do that I should. Like, I would allow like whatever. I’d get in a fight with someone or something like that and an argument and be like, oh gosh, I guess I can’t, you know, I, I would totally let it ruin my entire day or my entire week. But really what it came down to was me having to go. I’m not going to let this deter me.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, yeah. And I’ve got, I’ve got the perfect example of how this, this manifested. this past spring I actually spoke at MIT and I had a tighter than what I wanted flight schedule. And so I’m there in the airport. Well, the flight was delayed for three hours and I just pulled up my laptop and I just started working and I had, I mean my stress on a scale of 1 to 10 was probably a 1 or a 2. Like I’m just like, okay, whatever. They’re either going to fix the plane, they’re going to get us a new plane. Like they, like I paid for a ticket, they’re going to get me to Boston.

Holly Bertone: Some way somehow. Like it’s just, there’s nothing I can do. But I’m watching, I’m watching everyone as the time keeps going on, as they keep updating that it’s still delayed. You’ve got three groups of people. The first group is the one going to the gate and they’re yelling at the attendance. So they’re kind of in that, you know, the fight mode. Right. They’re just, they’re yelling at the attendance and just being jerky jerks. And then you’ve got the other two groups of people. So the one went to the Dunkin Donuts that was right there. And they came back with their bags of donuts and bagels and they ate to soothe the stress.

Holly Bertone: And then the third group, they went to the bar at 8:30 in the morning, they drank their.

Wendy Valentine: See a lot of those. Yeah.

Holly Bertone: And I’m watching, I was like, this is, this is just, this is where we’re at. Like our brains are trying to. Our brains want suit, they want comfort. Our brains want homeostasis. And it’s looking for the best way to do that. You know, the fight flight freeze or font responses, you know, the people that are yelling, the people that are eating, the people that are drinking and. Or we can come about this from. My nervous system is regulated M. I’m okay with this. I’m not going to have any kind of response to this other than I’ll get there at some point.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Holly Bertone: And that’s when we’re not reaching for the comfort food. Then the other piece of this is, this is where I like to put FBI hat on. I like to teach my clients and my program how to put FBI Hat on, too, with what we call tripwires. And tripwires are basically. It’s an. They’re basically like early warning signals. This is how we caught the bad guys in counterintelligence. They’re like early warning signals that really just help keep us a step ahead. And so, you know, so, for example, in last night’s class, like, the holidays are coming up. In last night’s class, we actually are not class, but a group coaching call we actually went through. And I created or M with. With all my clients, like, created tripwires for their Thanksgiving. For their.

Wendy Valentine: Interesting.

Holly Bertone: So that. And again, this isn’t, you know, life is always going to life, but they now have everything that they need to go into those scenarios and succeed.

Wendy Valentine: Where they might get triggered, in other words. Right.

Holly Bertone: And especially around, like, the holidays, like, you’ve got food, all kinds of food, and food that’s in scarcity. Right. Holiday food’s always special. The gingerbread cookies. You want to bite the head off. And, you know, the peppermint bark and the fun mashed potatoes. Yeah. Like, all of this food that comes out this time of year that we only get once a year, not to mention all of the family drama.

Wendy Valentine: So you feel like you have to eat it. You have the pressure to eat it, because otherwise you’re not going to see it again for another year.

Holly Bertone: Absolutely. Yeah. So there’s a lot of different factors. And yeah, it was just a really fun call last night because. And, yeah, building these tripwires is just. It’s so much fun because it really helps us to just be aware and to help counter whatever obstacle comes our way.

So keep your vision. Keep the vision, it seems like, even

Wendy Valentine: So keep your vision. That was that one.

Holly Bertone: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Keep the vision, it seems like, even. Also, keeping your boundaries.

Holly Bertone: Absolutely.

Wendy Valentine: One.

Holly Bertone: That’s a huge. Yeah.

This is where weight loss and behavior change really happens

Wendy Valentine: Okay, so what’s. Why.

Holly Bertone: Yeah, so R is rearview mirror. O is own your ship. C is create your future self. K is keep the vision, not the view. And then why is come back home to you? Like, this is what it’s all about. This is, you know, the wizard of Oz, minus the scary monkeys. The, wizard of Oz, like, it’s inside you all along. And. And this is really where it is, is that you’re no longer, like you said, the boundaries. You’re no longer giving your power away. You’re no longer, you know, you can do the things, but it’s not draining your energy. You’re actually carving out that time. Not from another to do list, but just from how you naturally show up. And you’re showing up for yourself. And you’re in your best power. You know, whether it’s eating habits or exercising, you’re sleeping better. This is when it all really comes together. Your nervous system is regulated. And. And this is when we’re. When I talk about sustainable, permanent, with. In terms of, you know, weight loss and behavior change, this is really where it happens.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. It seems like.

Holly Bertone: And it’s not just. And the thing too. It’s not just for you.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: It’s like, Right. To be the light for everyone else in your life. Yeah. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I would think even if someone goes into this, like, okay, I. I really need to, you know, recover, from emotional eating. I want to lose some weight. But then actually, it changes your whole life.

Holly Bertone: Yeah. It really does. I. I like to say you come for the weight loss and you stay for everything else.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. That is so cool.

What is one small step that people can take to prioritize their health

so what is one small step that they could take today? Just to prioritize. Prioritize. It’d be nice if I could talk today. I think it’s, like, lack of sleep from having this head cold.

Holly Bertone: Sorry.

Wendy Valentine: What is one step that they can take to prioritize their health?

Holly Bertone: Yeah. So I actually, I love sharing this kind of nugget because it’s so easy to do. And the next time that you find yourself reaching for a comfort food, a stress food, reaching for that, you know, the cookies or the cake or the chips or, just to stop and ask yourself, what does my body need right now? M. Because it’s not the food. It’s something.

Wendy Valentine: Right? Yeah. Makes you just pause and think a little bit.

Holly Bertone: Huh?

Wendy Valentine: Huh?

Holly Bertone: Yeah. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: This is so good. I love Rocky.

Holly Bertone: I know. So much fun.

Wendy Valentine: I like your version of Rocky. So. So where can we find you?

Holly Bertone: Yeah, absolutely. So since you’re already listening to this, this podcast, and on the platform where I would recommend starting is just going over to your Midlife Comeback Story podcast. So find my podcast and if you can remember this number, it’s episode 136. And in that episode, I actually talk about, how to uncover your weight loss blocks that’s sabotaging your progress using FBI tactics. So it’s an episode, it’s a lot of fun, and there’s actually a quiz that I talk about in the episode, so you can get the link to the quiz in there, take the quiz, and then there’s a 15 minute training on the other side of it where we really do a deep dive into what is sabotaging your weight loss. So, yeah. So your Midlife Comeback story podcast, episode 136, best place to start. And then, I also hang out on Instagram and it’s at Holly Bertone and it’s B E R T o N e. So come say hello there.

Wendy Valentine: I’m so glad you made a comeback.

Holly Bertone: Thank you. You too.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Holly Bertone: This is such a great time in life. Like, we’re just. No, I would not give up this age for anything.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And we’re just getting started.

Holly Bertone: I know. I feel like literally just getting started. Like the good times are just getting started.

Wendy Valentine: I know.

Wendy asks three questions to 20 year old Holly

So I’m speaking of getting started, we’re going to start something new today. It’s called the final flash. And I’m going to ask you three questions. Three quick questions. You can nervous. Three quick answers. You’re gonna love it. Question number one. If you could give your 20 year old self one piece of advice, what would it be?

Holly Bertone: M. You’re worthy. Oh, yeah, you’re worthy just being you.

Wendy Valentine: 20 year old Holly. Yeah, I bet she was so cute and worthy. Number, two. What’s one thing you want to be remembered for?

Holly Bertone: Oh, my goodness. You know, I heard a quote today, and I hope I say it right. It’s. Legacy isn’t what you. Legacy isn’t what you. Excuse me? Legacy isn’t what you. You give to others. It’s what you leave inside of them. Oh, yes. And that quote stuck with me so much, I literally just heard it this morning. And really, if I can just change one woman to help her get healthier, to help her be her best vibrant self so that she can help change one more person, then, it’s. It’s been a great life.

Wendy Valentine: That reminds me of the quote from Maya Angelou where she said, people may forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Holly Bertone: Absolutely. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Okay, final question. If you could sum up midlife in one word, what would it be?

Holly Bertone: It can be messy, but it is so freaking awesome.

Wendy Valentine: That’s a lot of words.

Holly Bertone: Awesome.

Wendy Valentine: Okay. Awesome. Yeah, we’ll pick awesome. Yeah. Thank you, Holly. You’re great. You are awesome.

Holly Bertone: Thank you so much, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: All right, everyone, have a great day.

Holly Bertone: m.