The Truth About Self Care: Beyond the Potato Chips
Are you stuck in a cycle of self care that feels more like a quick fix than true nourishment? In this episode ofΒ The Midlife Makeover Show, I sit down with Dr. Amber Wardell, a psychologist, Psychology Today contributor, and author ofΒ Beyond Self Care Potato Chips: Choosing Nourishing Self Care in a Quick Fix Culture.Β Get ready to challenge the way you think about self care and learn how to rewire your mindset for lasting change.
What You’ll Learn:
- How to break free from “quick-fix” self care habits
- The science behind reframing your thoughts for a better mindset
- Why real self care is about more than bubble baths and facials
- Practical tips to cultivate nourishing self care routines
- How to overcome perfectionism and embrace your imperfections
- The power of setting boundaries and prioritizing mental health

The Problem with Quick-Fix Self Care
We all love the idea of indulging in a bubble bath, binge-watching Netflix, or enjoying a spa day. But as Dr. Amber Wardell explains, these “self care potato chips” are only temporary solutions. They feel good in the moment, but they don’t provide the deep nourishment our minds and bodies truly need. If you’re stuck in a loop of surface-level self care, it’s time to dig deeper.
Reframing Your Mindset for Long-Term Wellness
Dr. Amber introduces the concept of “Truth Trenches” to help rewire your thoughts and beliefs. Just like building a moat around a castle, truth trenches help filter out negativity and reinforce positive, productive thinking. She explains how neuroplasticity allows us to change our brain’s patterns over time and develop healthier mental habits.
Overcoming Perfectionism and Embracing Your Humanity
Perfectionism can be exhausting, and many of us struggle with it in different areas of life. Dr. Amber shares her personal journey with perfectionism and how learning to accept our imperfections is the key to genuine self care. Whether it’s motherhood, career, or relationships, striving for perfection can leave us feeling empty and drained.

Nourishing Self Care Strategies That Stick
Instead of relying solely on temporary fixes, Dr. Amber suggests incorporating nourishing self care into daily life. This includes setting boundaries, speaking your needs, and embracing healthy relationships. Real self care requires effort, but the long-term benefits are worth it.
Practical Self Care Tips You Can Start Today
- Set Boundaries:Β Learn to say no to things that don’t serve you.
- Prioritize Mental Health:Β Consider therapy or journaling as part of your routine.
- Surround Yourself with Positive Influences:Β Build a support system of people who uplift you.
- Choose Nourishment Over Numbing:Β Opt for activities that enrich your mind and body.
- Practice Gratitude:Β Acknowledge the good in your life daily.
Final Thoughts: It’s Okay to Have “Potato Chip Days”
Some days, you might only have the energy for a face mask and a glass of wineβand that’s okay! But remember, true self care is about balance. Take the time to nourish your soul with deeper, long-lasting self care practices that align with your values and goals.
Listen to the Full Episode
Ready to dive deeper into nourishing self care? Tune in to this episode ofΒ The Midlife Makeover ShowΒ and discover how to elevate your self care routine beyond the quick fixes.
Share Your Thoughts
What does self care look like for you? Share your thoughts in the comments or tag me on Instagram @wendy_valentine_. Let’s continue the conversation!
πΒ Connect with Amber!
Watch it on YouTube!
READ THE FULL TRANSCRIPT
Some days you may only have the energy for self care potato chips
Dr. Amber Wardell: Some days you may only have the energy for self care potato chips. Maybe a bath or a facial, a trip to the grocery store without your kids or taking a mental health day from work is all you can muster. It’s okay to let that be enough on those days. After all, there’s nothing inherently wrong with potato chips. They feel good, they taste good, they require so much less effort than preparing a nutritious meal. They bring comfort. But as anyone who has ever binge eaten an entire bag of potato chips knows, those empty calories wear off fast. You quickly find yourself hungry again and have to eat something nourishing instead. So enjoy the self care potato chips. When that’s all you can reach for. Just make sure you’re reaching for the nourishing self care too. Speak your needs, hold your boundaries. Give gentleness and firmness m in equal measure and always in the right context.
Welcome to the Midlife Makeover Show
Wendy Valentine: Hey midlifers. Welcome to the Midlife Makeover Show. Are you ready to break free from your mundane midlife? Are you feeling trapped? Trapped in a vicious cycle of rinse and repeat days? No matter if you’re experiencing a divorce, hangover, job burnout, or you just have the midlife blues, I got you. Hey, I’m Wendy, your hostess of the midlife mostess. I too was hit by midlife like a freight train. I too felt stuck in the same dull chapter. I wanted the clarity of how to create a new life beyond divorce and the courage to leave an unfulfilling career. But I kept telling myself that I wasn’t worthy and it was just easier to stay in my comfort zone until I found a little secret the freedom to live my life my way. In this podcast, you will learn how to achieve a vibrant midlife mind and body, how to create solid relationships through love and loss, and how to create an awesome second half of life. Grab your grande latte, pop in your earbuds and let’s get get this midlife party started.
Women Waking up seven Steps to Midlife Greatness is available now
Ladies, are you ready to wake up to your greatness? If you’re feeling stuck, unfulfilled, or navigating midlife changes like an empty nest, career shifts, or relationship challenges, then my book Women Waking up seven Steps to Midlife Greatness is for you. Women, Waking up is designed to help you break free from limiting beliefs, reignite your passions, and step into your next chapter with confidence. This empowering guide is packed with real life stories, practical tools, and actionable steps to help you reclaim your joy and create a life filled with purpose. And here’s the best part. When you join the wait list you’ll be the first to know when pre orders open and you’ll unlock a ton of free bonuses. So what are you waiting for? Head to womenwakingup.com and get on the waitlist.
This episode dives deep into the power of self care and the science of reframing minds
Today, 2025 is your year to wake up and thrive.
Wendy Valentine: Hey there, midlife warriors. Buckle up for an inspiring and brain boosting episode. Because today we’re diving deep into the power of self care and the science of reframing our minds. Joining us is the incredible Dr. Amber Wardell, a, ah, psychologist, contributor for Psychology Today and author of, the insightful and empowering new book, Beyond Self Care Potato Chips. Yum, yum, yum. Choosing, ah, nourishing self care in a quick fix culture. Amber’s down to earth storytelling and relatable wisdom will inspire you to stop settling for life’s potato chips and start reaching for what truly nourishes your soul. In this conversation, Amber will walk us through how to rewire our neural networks, alter our brain chemistry, and cultivate what she calls truth trenches. We’ll explore what it means to embrace courageous self care in every area of life. Marriage, motherhood, friendships, career and beyond. Get ready to take your self care game to the next level.
Let’s welcome the amazing Dr. Amber Wardell to Talk Dirty
Let’s welcome the amazing Dr. Amber Wardell. Woo. Welcome, welcome.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Hi. Hello. It’s good to be here. That was a wonderful, wonderful.
Wendy Valentine: You were just, you were just enjoying listening to all the kind words about yourself.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And that night, I was, what I was sitting here trying to remember was, did I write this or did she? So often you have to write your own intro. And I was like, man, if I wrote that, that was good myself.
Wendy Valentine: That day, you’re like, man, I was on it.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah, I want to feel like that every day.
Wendy Valentine: You were beyond the potato chips.
Dr. Amber Wardell: I was, yes.
Wendy Valentine: so nice to have you here.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Oh, man, thank you for having me.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah.
Growing up, there was some shame around mental health in my household
So I’m curious actually, instead of asking you the, the typical, what inspired you to write this book? What inspired you to become a psychologist? Oh, I’m m taking you way back.
Dr. Amber Wardell: We went there. Okay. so the answer to that is that, I grew up in a household where mental health was. There was some, there was some shame around mental health. In my household. I had one parent who was diagnosed with depression. I had another parent who needed desperately to be diagnosed with anxiety and refused to be so. And what happened is that I, I witnessed a lot of not just shame, within my parents about their own mental health, but also, that shame was sort of redirected toward me almost as though if you are struggling with your mental health, then that is something for you to also be ashamed of. And in some ways it was used almost like a threat. So like, if I was struggling, if I was being disrespectful as a kid, if I was, you know, being mouthy or whatever else may be, the threat would be, we’re going to take you to a therapist. And implicit in that message was, something is wrong with you. And I should state here that I grew up in a really loving household. I had wonderful parents. You know, I like, top notch, like top of the line parenting in every other way. So this is such a small gripe, but it was something that really was, was, a hard thing to carry as a child. and I was pretty young when I started to recognize this, that like, this is my parents unable to really face, their own struggles with their mental health and they’re externalizing that. And so I told myself, I’m going to go to school to learn everything that I can learn about mental health because I’m not going to carry that shame. I’m going to normalize this in my own mind. And hopefully I can help my parents, you know, understand that there’s nothing wrong with them because they’re depressed or they’re anxious or whatever else. And then I’d like to be able to help other people to understand that better themselves. and so my plan was always to become a clinical psychologist and to do therapy and things like that. But, as I got older, I was much more interested in doing the research side of it. I thought maybe, maybe I’m a little bit too much of a mess to be like the one conducting therapy with people. But I could probably be in a lab and do research that informs the therapy that people are doing. So I’m gonna, I’m gonna take that route. And so ultimately that was what I ended up doing. But yeah, it all mainly stemmed from wanting to understand humanity, how the brain works, how mental health works, so that I would never feel shame about it and hopefully I would help no one else ever feel shame about it as well.
Capricorn woman struggled with perfectionism throughout her life
Wendy Valentine: Did you ever feel like you needed to be a, perfectionist in how you behaved in your family because of that?
Dr. Amber Wardell: I’m, I, I can’t say for sure that it was because of my parents. I can say that I’m a Capricorn. But yeah, I have always really, really struggled with perfectionism. And in almost every area of my life, as many of us high achieving women, women in particular do tend to Struggle with.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I tell you, there’s one thing I had taken from, positive psychology. I had taken a course in positive psychology, and there was one. The professor had said, we’re all humans, human beings being human. And I. I remember, like, him saying that. I was like, yeah, that’s true. Like, we’re all, like, doing the best that we can as these human beings, and we’re absorbing so much of the people around us, good or bad, happy, sad, and we’re trying to put it all together and make sense of it all. Ah. While living life and doing all the things. And it can be challenging. And I. I feel. I don’t know about you, but, like, it wasn’t until my probably late 30s, early 40s, where I was like, right. I realized I had picked up all of these habits and behaviors as a result of either consciously or subconsciously observing others.
Dr. Amber Wardell: If.
Wendy Valentine: If that made sense. Yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Isn’t that a magical time? That, like, late 30 time period where you start realizing, like, wait a minute, everything around here is.
Wendy Valentine: Yes.
Dr. Amber Wardell: I think I’ve absorbed some. Yeah, I need to do something about that. Yeah.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And it’s crazy, too, because even. Even as a learned individual in this area, I still struggle to not internalize that myself. And I have an example where, like, I was doing yoga. I have my Peloton bike here, and I do the. The yoga classes through. Through the app. And this was just like, earlier, I guess. Last year in 2024, I was doing a yoga class, and we were practicing tree pose. And Kira Michelle, she’s one of my favorite yoga instructors on Peloton. She, said. She’s doing the pose, and she said, if you fall over, congratulations, you’re human.
Wendy Valentine: Yep.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And, I just started crying. A. I had. I know, just started crying because I was like. It just crashed over me that, like, in every way. In every way. M. The things that are happening to me that I don’t. Like when I’m falling down or I’m losing my balance or I’m flubbing on a. On a. On a podcast or whatever it may be like, congratulations, you’re human. Yep. Yeah, that’s how that goes. You forget that sometimes in this. In this. This pursuit of. Of perfection.
Wendy Valentine: I know.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Important to just remember that, like, that’s not. We weren’t designed to be that way. Someone told us we were, but we were absolutely not designed to be that way.
Wendy Valentine: Yes. And it be. It can be so exhausting trying to be a perfectionist and trying to do all the right things and say the Right. Things. And, and some of us never even step out to do what we truly love because we’re so worried we might fall.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah, absolutely.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And you know, the thing is too, I mean, when you were talking about your parents and I had amazing parents too, and they weren’t perfect, you know, but like, we, we pick up those things and it doesn’t make that person bad. Everyone is doing the best that they could with what they’ve been taught. Right. And then we pick up those things. But it’s us, up to us. Not so much to, I would say, learn something new, but to unlearn. You’re almost having to unlearn what has been taught to you.
There’s a really good book about adult children of emotionally immature parents
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah. There’s a really good book, called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Have you heard of it?
Wendy Valentine: Yes, and I love that.
Dr. Amber Wardell: I think it’s like in the opening of that book, it says, you are not betraying your parents to acknowledge that you wish they had done some things differently. And I needed to hear that because anytime that I’ve tried to speak to my one parent in particular about ways that I wish things had been done differently, I’ve been met with resistance and defensiveness and almost like a refusal to even acknowledge that that happened. Almost like, well, I don’t remember that. That didn’t happen that way, that sort of thing. And in particular, when I mentioned that, like, I was speaking about these things in therapy, that became a very, very big issue. that like, I wasn’t supposed to be speaking about these things with my therapist. And so reading that book and realizing that like, you’re not, you’re not betraying your parents by acknowledging that there were things about the way you were raised that you wish were different. And what I like about that, you know, when you said we have to unlearn things, is like, where I’m taking that is to realize that now as a parent myself, I have a 6 year old and an 8 year old. I am constantly reinforcing to my children. At every, whenever it comes up organically, I’m not like hounding my children about this, but when the opportunities arise, when we’re having these conversations about ways that I feel I’ve let them down or when I, I’m not proud of how I’ve handled them, I will remind them like, mommy’s human. I’m learning how to be a mommy the same way you’re learning how to be a little kid and I’m going to screw up. And one day you might be in therapy talking to your therapist about the ways that I’ve screwed up. And, if you want to one day, I am open to hear about those things. And also if you would like for those things to not be my privilege to hear about, that’s okay, too. And I want you to know that I won’t feel unloved or judged or uncared for by you if you need to go talk those things. And that’s a cycle we’re breaking. And. And it’s. It’s important.
Wendy Valentine: I’m so glad you said that. And it’s funny, I’ve had that same conversation with my three kids. Like, and it’s one of those things, like, especially again, like, when you’re in your 30s and 40s, you’re like, oh, my gosh, like, I’ve been going to therapy for the last 20 years. What if my kids start going to therapy because of me? Like, any. And I’ll admit, like, there’s this thread that has been woven into my relationships that has gone all the way back since childhood, went into my marriages. And of course, my children, you know, they were. They were part of all that. So I am sure there are things that. Limiting beliefs or doubts or whatever the case is that they might have to deal with later. And the same thing, like, I shouldn’t have shame. They shouldn’t have shame. We want the best for everyone to heal and to get better. And if it’s talking it through, then just talk it through.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah. and that’s why I talk so much in the book about Truth Trenches. the preface of the book I speak about, you know, you mentioned in. In the. In the intro, like neuroplasticity and cognitive reframing. And these are things that, like, those are words that we use when we’re publishing journal articles. but if you want to talk about it just at a. At a very base level, it’s. It’s reframing it is taking something and finding a new way to think of it. and some people take issue with that because sometimes it sounds a little bit like cognitive behavioral therapy. It sounds a little bit. It smacks of, like, if you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. And there are a lot of issues with that. Right. If it feels trite sometimes.
Wendy Valentine: Hm.
Dr. Amber Wardell: But the idea of a truth trench is. Is essentially the way that we think about things will form a pathway in our brain. Our. Our brains are designed for optimization. Right. They form these. These called neural networks, neural pathways to help us make quick decisions to understand the world as fast as possible. So when we are constantly thinking of certain things in a certain way, we form a really, really strong network, a tie between two. Two things. And so the more we think about things like, oh, talking about mental health or talking about the way that my parents, let me down is shame. That’s. That’s shame. That’s betrayal. That’s bad. The more we reinforce this idea. And so, so the way that we go about creating this neuroplasticity or creating a, reframe is we start training the brain to disconnect from this and attach it to something else. And so in the book I talk about truth trenches, which is that we’re going to teach your brain to put, just to dig this little trench around you. Right. And the way I describe it in the book is like, you are inside this castle. We’re going to build a moat around you and all the lies of the world are going to have to pass through this truth trench before they can get to you. And refined by this truth trench, the lies won’t reach you until they’ve kind of gone past that. And so the idea is we’re going to teach you new things to think, new ways of looking at the world, to un. Detach this thought from this shame based way of thinking about it and attach it to something good. And I. So important it sounds like that’s what you and I are doing with our kids is we’re saying, hey, we, we ourselves are working on detaching this shame from this so that you never form this attachment.
Wendy Valentine: Yes.
Dr. Amber Wardell: We’ll always see talking about the way I raised you or talking about your mental health as a good thing, as a, as a healthy thing. Exactly the way we saw it.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I mean, I, looking back, for me, I know therapy played such a huge part in rewiring and knowing what is truth. And what are those lies? Sometimes we don’t know, you know, like, and how, how, how do, how do we tell the difference between what is truth and what is lie? And especially if for us it is truth. that makes sense if it’s been in our brain for so long. How, how do we determine what is truth and what is lies?
Dr. Amber Wardell: Are we talking about, like on a systemic level?
Wendy Valentine: I guess on beliefs? Yeah, beliefs about ourselves and about, and about our life. How, how can we begin to even determine what is what?
Dr. Amber Wardell: I have, I, I love when I get asked a question that I really have an answer for because, you know, so often you’re like Hang on, let me think about that for a second. I have a such a, I have a perfect answer for this. I talk about this in my book and a lot of, I have four chapters in the book that are all about our friendships, who’s at our table, who are the people trust and confide in.
The world is constantly bombarding us with information about ourselves
And so the thing that I had to learn was that the world is going to constantly be bombarding us with information about ourselves. Particularly if we are, if we’re not holed up in our house, if we are going out into the world in any way, whether that’s going grocery shopping or living our life publicly on social media, we’re going to be bombarded with people’s opinions about who we are. And they’re not going to state those as opinions, they’re going to state them as facts. Oh yeah, right.
Wendy Valentine: Yes, it’s true.
Dr. Amber Wardell: What I had to learn is I needed to get a trusted group of people around me, who I know I can trust, who have a diverse set of opinions, who share my values, but have maybe a diverse, set of opinions about how to go about living out those values. Right. People who are willing to be honest with me and who I know always want my ultimate good. And so when I am confronted with information about me that is being presented to me as though it is a fact, and I’m concerned that maybe it is, that’s my first question is, do I think this might be true?
Dr. Amber Wardell: If I don’t think it’s true, then I just immediately discard it. and I’m getting better at recognizing that right away if I take it. And I think it’s important that we remain open enough to be able to do this, to say there might be something to that.
Dr. Amber Wardell: They might have a point. So then we take this to these trusted people and we say, this is the feedback that I’ve gotten about myself. This is, this is a data point that someone is claiming to be a fact. What do we think? And if our, if our trusted circle also agrees that maybe there is something to that, then they can share that with us in a loving and fact based way. They can give us evidence as to how this might be true and they can lovingly help us see it and help us like, okay, so let’s think about, a realistic and, and actionable way to fix this that’s not shrouded in shame and judgment and guilt.
Wendy Valentine: Yes. I guess it’s like, oh, go ahead.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah. But if that trusted circle says what? No, no, that’s not. We’ve never known that to be true of you. Then you go, oh, okay. And you throw it out.
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Wendy Valentine: Yeah, people that are going to be totally open and honest with you. And we usually, I mean, hopefully a lot of us will have, you know, one or two people in our lives that we can count on to be like, hey, you know, here’s the deal. Like yes, that’s crap, or yes, this is a little truth you might like. It’s constructive criticism. Right. I mean the old classic term of constructive criticism. But and I think it’s, it’s key to be open so that you can improve and unlearn whatever it is. Right.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah.
There is what I call toxic self care culture. And the way I define it in the book
It’s funny you mentioned that because that that was, I was sitting here going, I wish I had said this part because another thing that I talk about in the book is that there is this, I call it toxic self care culture. And and sometimes I regret that word choice because as I’m. Again, as you know, the publishing process is once the book is out. You’ve written it two years ago.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: So you’ve been learning since the time you wrote the book. Right. So like I call it toxic self care culture. And the way I define it in the book is this idea that, certain people, especially in online spaces, talk about self care in this very rigid, inflexible way that has lost sight of the fact that we are people who live in community and connection with others. And that has to be taken into account. What I’ve kind of started to see over the last two years is that I think that that approach might be the natural swinging of the pendulum. Like when someone begins a self care journey of setting boundaries and, and taking better care of themselves, it may be because they’ve lived a life of self neglect. M. And maybe now the Only way to feel safe to know that they’re not going to swing back to that is to go really far. So they get really inflexible and they get, they, they, they’re just like hardline boundaries. They don’t want to hear any critique or criticism of themselves. And as I’ve seen myself and others on these longer health, self, care journeys, I’m noticing that people do start to swing back to the middle.
Wendy Valentine: Yes. I’ve never. It’s so interesting that you said this because I’ve, I have a couple of really close friends kind of in that and they’re on the other end of it. And I remember I was thinking about that and thinking about my own journey and I, I know I was at that point once and I had. And then there’s this kind of like where you, you kind of start to slide back to this acceptance. The. You’re a human being, being human. You’re not meant m. You don’t have to like, pick every single thing apart. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Yes. Like this. It’s, it’s acceptance. And I, and I have seen that in some really close friends of mine where they’ll kind of go through this journey and they’re like, oh, here they go. They’re like on the extreme end. And you’re right, they kind of like start to swing back and, and as, as friends or family, it’s like you have to. Knowing that it makes it a little bit easier. You have more patience with them and go like, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know, I, I don’t ever want to be stuck in that place. I don’t want to see someone stuck in that place where when your friends come to you and say, I recently had to have a really hard conversation with one of my best friends where I was like, I’m concerned about choices that you’re making in your life right now. I am concerned about the way you’re living your life and how this is impacting your health and your family and your friends and everything. And she’s in a place right now where she’s not able to hear that. Right. I know she’s going to come out of it. I don’t want to see her stay there. And so, you know, we have to be the kind of people who do make our way back to the middle where people are able. You know, I’ve always said, if you want to hear the truth, you have to be the kind of person who can be Trusted with the truth. Meaning you have to be open, as you said, you have to be open to hearing it. Willing to not crash out. And you’re right. I think, I think most of us have been in that place. I was in that place, I called it my era. when I was up here, I was like, don’t you dare to. I will not hear one word about how I’m the problem.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And now I’m like, go ahead, hit me with it.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And it’s nice, it’s nice to be there, right? It’s a very humbling, transparent way of being. You know, it’s like, yes, I accept myself. Yes, I love myself. But no, I’m not perfect. I don’t. I mean, I spent most of my life trying to be absolutely perfect and it was exhausting. I was like, I give up. Like, it’s me, whoever I am. You know, it makes me think of, In Buddhism they talk about the middle way and kind of like, like if you go over to, let’s say if we’re driving on the road and you’re over in the left lane, you know, and you’re going super fast, and then you could veer off into the ditch and it’s harder to get back to the middle lane, right? Or on the other side of it, right? You’re going super slow, you go off in the ditch. But if you stay in kind of like this nice, neutral, just like your pendulum, right? Staying nice and neutral, then it makes it a little bit easier because if we go to the extreme, then it, it makes it more challenging to get back to center.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Oh, it’s very interesting. I like that.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I like that analogy. I don’t know. Yeah, I like Middle way. Yeah.
My first book was about my miscarriages and my crisis of faith
So, so what, what inspired your, your, the book? Like potato chips. I was eating potato chips one night on the couch.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Well, okay, I’m just, I’m just gonna be honest. My first book wasn’t this book. My first book was a book, that was about my miscarriages and my crisis of faith through that and sort of how I was exploring my spirituality, through all of that. And I began shopping that book around and I had a few literary agents express interest. But my, my number one agent who was on my list, she reached out to me, and she was like, it’s a no. It’s like it’s a no from me. But can we get on the, on the phone? And I was like, yes, whatever you want, whatever you want to talk about, I’m open to hearing it. This is fine. So we get on the phone and she was already following me on social media. And she was like, when I saw your name come across my desk, I was so excited because I love what you do on social media. What is this book? She was like, this has nothing to do with what you do on socials. this had. She was like, it’s, it’s wonderful. She wasn’t being rude. She was very, very.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: very much handled it with kick gloves. I’m, I’m not retelling this. Well, according to how she handled it, she was very much like, I understand how important and sacred this topic is to you, but you don’t have the kind of platform that could support this. Right? You don’t speak about faith on your platform. You don’t speak about miscarriages and things like that. and anyway, she said, do you have anything that is related to what you talk about on social media? Because I think that that could really work and I would represent you if you had that book. And I was like, oh, my God, I have years of, I have years of stuff on that. And so I took a couple days and I put together a pitch for a book called Self Care potato Chips. the beyond got slapped on at the end through the editorial process, but it was self care potato chips. And that was from a conversation I’d had with my therapist who had basically said this to me at one point because I was telling him about all the ways that I was spinning my wheels, trying to take care of myself. and, and he said to me, he was like, amber, you’re never going to get full on these self care potato chips.
Wendy Valentine: You’re eating too funny.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And I, and I was like, what? He was like, yeah, you’re, you know, you’re like meticulously doing your facials and you’re taking your baths every night. Like you have a, you have a scheduler for your baths and you have like all very Capricorn of me. Like, you’ve, really, really planned out all of your self care. He was like, but you’re neglecting things that could actually make a difference in your life, like setting boundaries, like having these hard conversations that you need to be having with your, my then estranged husband. We were separated at the time. you know, having these difficult conversations, speaking, your needs instead of just like hoping people will show up for you and know what you need. And, and I was like, yeah, that sounds like something I should be doing. Started getting to work on it. And, and then when I started working on it and realizing, oh, my life is getting better, I thought, that should be a book. That should be a book.
Wendy Valentine: Isn’t that interesting? I mean, now that totally makes sense, especially with the title and the potato chips. I mean those are, you know, those are empty calories, right? I mean, like putting it that way in regards to food. So the self care was really, really what you needed was something more nourishing, something heavy, something that is going to stick with you instead of like the. Yeah. I mean self care gets thrown around so much now and it’s like what is it really? So, okay, I’m going to ask you what really is self care?
Dr. Amber Wardell: So it’s, it’s funny, I’m looking for a page in my book right now, which I’m not sure I’m going to find without making us take way too much time here. So I’m going to give that Your question was what is, what is self care?
Wendy Valentine: What is self care? Yeah. What is true hardy self care? Nourishing, nourishing, heavy stick to your ribs. Self care.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah.
Wendy Valentine: Or your brain, I should say.
Dr. Amber Wardell: So I think that that real self care, like the, the kind that can nourish is the kind that says I am sacred. Who I am is sacred, my peace is sacred, my mental health is sacred, sacred and my relationships are sacred. And I am going to do everything I can to ensure that these sacred things are protected. And so. And and I think that that’s important because we, this is coming to me on the fly. This is not a fully baked thought.
Wendy Valentine: I like it though. I like it already.
Dr. Amber Wardell: I feel like, you know, it’s very easy to say, well, self care is setting boundaries and speaking your needs and you know, learning to resolve conflict and all these things. And yes. But I think if we forget that that’s, that is the action that you take. But there’s a mindset that can’t be divorced from that. And I think that that’s what we have to remember. The self care is actually the mindset behind it, which is that me and myself, sacred connections with others matter so much that I’m going to pour everything that I have into making sure that they, myself and these connections remain healthy. That does mean setting boundaries. That does mean learning how to say no when it’s a no and an enthusiastic yes when it’s a yes. Yeah, that means, being willing to have hard conversations. That also means learning conflict resolution. Learning not to just go no.
Wendy Valentine: It’s the Hard stuff. Yeah. Self care is not all fluffy.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah.
Some days you may only have the energy for self care potato chips
And so the thing is like, the very, very last chapter in my book is called self Care in the Abyss. I wrote this chapter, actually, after the book was finished. I think I had already sent the final thing off to my publisher. And I added this at the last second because I was just having a really, really bad day. I had snapped at my daughter and then I had gotten up from where I was because I was ashamed that I snapped at her. And I went to my bedroom to get away because I didn’t want to do any more harm. And she followed me and I shut the door and I’m pretty sure I shut it in her face. And then I threw a complete, like, crash out meltdown temper tantrum in my room. And it wasn’t just about this one thing, right. It was about a cacophony of things that had led up to this moment. And I, I just, I realized I was just in a. I was in a place where none of the delicious, nourishing, stick to your ribs self care that I had been learning all this time was going to help me out of this moment. Right. Like, nothing that I could do in that moment except let the tantrum happen. And so the part that I wanted to read that I cannot find right now, essentially that there’s nothing wrong with self care potato chips. And I think I get asked this question a lot on podcasts, is that like, so, so we should just be done with the self care potato chips. I’m like, no, we need those. Sometimes you need to sit in that bed, have a good old fashioned temper tantrum, eat a whole bunch of Oreos and take a bath and have a glass of wine. Like, sometimes that’s just all you can do. Just don’t forget that you also have to do the other stuff you have to do.
Wendy Valentine: Exactly, yeah. Sometimes the potato chips help you get back to, to center, get you back to that middle way. Like, whatever can work, right? Because, yeah, I mean, I was just. The other day I had a total meltdown. And sometimes it’s just like something silly that can get you back. Like, you know, I’m going to take a walk in the park, you know, like, okay. And it worked. Not always the yoga or the potato chips. The walk in the park, listening to, to music will help. I mean, it can help like for those, you know, minor, you know, breakdowns. But like, I think the, the stick to the ribs type of thing that keeps you from totally having a meltdown in life. Like yeah. Long term chronic, right? Yeah.
Dr. Amber Wardell: And I found it. I found it. Some days you may only have the energy for self care potato chips. Maybe a bath or a facial, a trip to the grocery store without your kids or taking a mental health day from work is all you can muster. It’s okay to let that be enough on those days. After all, there’s nothing inherently wrong with potato chips. They feel good, they taste good, they require so much less effort than preparing a nutritious meal. They bring comfort. But as anyone who has ever binge eaten an entire bag of potato chips knows, those empty calories wear off fast. You quickly find yourself hungry again and have to eat something nourishing instead. So enjoy the self care potato chips. When that’s all you can reach for, just make sure you’re reaching for the nourishing self care too. Speak your needs, hold your boundaries. Give gentleness and firmness in equal measure and always in the right context. And it goes from there. But that’s, that’s the premise.
Wendy Valentine: I love that. Yeah, it’s so true.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah, you gotta be able to do both.
Wendy Valentine: I’m craving potato chips.
Dr. Amber Wardell: But man, when this on the COVID might have been a mistake, honestly. Because every time I look at my book I’m like, I know, I know.
Wendy Valentine: But isn’t that nice though? Like, we should be craving self care. Whether it’s the potato chips or the hearty soup type of self care. Like, we should crave it because we know like how good it is for ourselves and for our relationships and our whole life.
Dr. Amber Wardell: That’s a really good point. Yeah, I like that.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah, you’ll take it, you’ll take it. But that in there, we need a second edition.
Wendy Valentine: This is so good though.
Wendy Valentine: And it’s a nice, it’s a, it’s a different way of looking at it. I mean, it’s so much deeper than what is thrown around nowadays, right. About self care. And I mean, it’s really about. Yeah, I mean it’s taking care of yourself and of your life.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah, yeah, it’s about, it’s about taking care of, of everything yourself, holistically, your relationships. as my husband walks out the door for his meeting, he has to go, okay, wait a minute. That’s a handsome man walk. Oh, it’s my husband.
Wendy Valentine: You’re like, who is that? And that. See, you’ve been taking care of yourself and your life.
Dr. Amber Wardell: That’s right.
Wendy Valentine: Oh, well, thank you so much.
Amber Wardell’s new book about couples therapy is called Sensible Sessions
Okay, so where can we find you? And how do we get the book?
Dr. Amber Wardell: Okay, so probably the fastest way to find me is just Google me. I am, everywhere on the Internet. I’m on every single social media platform. but my website is Amber Wardell dot com. From there you can also find all my stuff, all the links to my socials, to my podcast, to, ah, a newsletter. I do have a free, digital download available right now. it’s, it’s all about should we go to couples therapy? It’s for couples who are trying to figure out if they should go to couples therapy or if maybe individual therapy might be best first. That’s based on my husband, mine and my husband’s own journey through our separation and reconciliation. And you can get that through my website.
Wendy Valentine: You’re awesome.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Oh, well, thank you.
Wendy Valentine: And gorgeous too. You’re so pretty.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Oh, you’re so pretty. I again, I was sitting with my husband this morning and both of us were like, she’s beautiful. pretty beautiful.
Wendy Valentine: And she’s a little wild and crazy. But.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Well, my husband said he was. I love her energy. She’s so energetic. I was like, she signs off her.
Wendy Valentine: Emails energetically when I know everyone seems to notice that. And I’ll tell you, that’s the word that’s is used to describe me the most is energy, energy, energy, energy. But yeah, you just choose to have it. We all, we’re all energy.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yeah.
Wendy Valentine: Thank you, Amber. You’re awesome.
Dr. Amber Wardell: I loved being here today. I appreciate it so much.
Wendy Valentine: Thank you, everyone. Get her book. So good. Yum, yum, yum. You can read it and eat potato chips at the same time.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Yes, you can. You can even listen to it. I narrated it. The link to all of that are are also on my website or it’s on Amazon, Target, Walmart, all those fun places.
Wendy Valentine: Oh, and wait, and really quick too, because I know you got to go. podcast. You also have a podcast?
Dr. Amber Wardell: I do. It’s called the Sensible Sessions. I’d love to have you on sometime.
Wendy Valentine: Especially book is coming out.
Dr. Amber Wardell: We’d love to, love to have you talk about more.
Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Thank you so much, Amber.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Thank you everyone.
Wendy Valentine: Have a great day.
Wendy Valentine: Did this podcast inspire you? Challenge you, trigger you to make a change or stop spit out your coffee laughing? Good. Then there are three ways you can thank me. Number one, you can leave a written review of this podcast on Apple iTunes. Number two, you can take a screenshot of the episode and share it onto social media and tag me Wendy Valentine. Number three, share it with another midlifer that needs a makeover. You know who I’m talking about. Thank you so much for listening to the show. Get out there and be bold. Be free.
Dr. Amber Wardell: Be.
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