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BE THE SUN, NOT THE SALT

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Dr. Cohen brings a wealth of knowledge and a refreshing perspective on how to live a life filled with positivity and kindness. Through his book and our conversation, he introduces the concept of the heliotropic effect, a metaphorical force that draws us toward positive energy, much like how plants are drawn to the sun.

He shares that the qualities that energize us are timeless virtues that resonate with everyone, urging us to be more of who we already are. The simplicity of his message is profound: do more of what makes you and others feel great, and less of what makes you feel crappy.

Dr. Cohen shares insights from research that highlight the contagious nature of energy and the impact of positive energizers within organizations. He challenges us to be deliberate about the energy we bring into a room, knowing that our presence can uplift or dampen the spirits of those around us.

Dr. Cohen and I discuss the significance of being mindful of our emotional states and the choices we make in response to them. He reminds us that emotions are signals, and by paying attention to them, we can choose actions that elevate our energy and well-being.

This episode is a call to action for anyone seeking to live a more joyful, connected, and fulfilling life. Tune in and discover how you can be the sun in your own life and inspire others to do the same.

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Doctor Harry Cohen is the author of Be the sun, not the salt

Wendy Valentine: Hey there, midlife mavens. Welcome back to the Midlife Makeover show. Today we’ve got an amazing guest who’s here to teach us all about how to shine brighter and live our best lives. Yay. I’m thrilled to welcome, Doctor Harry Cohen to the show. Doctor Cohen is a psychologist, executive coach, and the author of Be the sun, not the salt, a short but very profound guide to being your best self, uplifting others, and creating more happiness and effectiveness in your life. In today’s episode, we’ll dive deep into the concepts from his book and explore what it truly means to be the son. How living with positivity and kindness can transform our relationships, mindset, and overall well being. Get ready for an inspiring conversation that will leave you with practical ways to live more joyfully and connect more deeply with those around you.

Doctor Harry Cohen joins us to talk about his new book, Sunlight

Let’s give a warm welcome to Doctor Harry Cohen.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Ra. So delightful. I mean, look, I’ve done a million of these, and it’s great when you get someone like you who’s got so much energy and positivity. And, we have this shared mission, but you’re a delight to hang out with. So we were chatting prior to us recording, and I can’t wait to get.

Wendy Valentine: Into it, you guys. We started at, well, let’s see, time here in Madeira, Portugal. it was 03:00 my time, which would have been 11:00 your time there in the lovely state of Michigan. He’s sitting by the lake, and, it took us, like, 20 minutes to get started because we were having so much fun, and then I forgot to hit record. So we actually, we have nothing else left to say. So that’s the end of the show.

Doctor Harry Cohen: We did cover a lot. We did cover a lot of ground. We probably should let your. Your listeners know all the things that we talked about.

Wendy Valentine: I know. well, first, I do want to say, and I did share this with you, of course, but I read your book over the weekend. Love, love the book. there’s a saying of, you can’t judge a book by its cover, but actually, I think you can on this one, because it is like. And I love the pictures and the colors and youre even to the website, like, everything and all your products. But most importantly, it’s the message.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s all about being the sun and not the salt.

Human beings are drawn to the energy which sustains and energizes others

So let’s talk about what does it mean to be the sun?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Okay. It’s the simplest metaphor that I can come up with so far, but I’m continually trying to make it easier for people to understand that this is available to all of us. This is empirical. This is not my opinion. The heliotropic effect I stumbled across is a force which we can’t see, but we can all feel, which is why a plant tilts towards the sun. It is drawn to the energy of the sun. And human beings, being living organisms, are drawn to the energy which sustains and energizes us in other people. And it turns out that the quality that we love and energizes about other people are the qualities that we love about all people, which are virtues, which are timeless. Compassion and gratitude and kindness and vulnerability and authenticity and curiosity. And these are just a few. So the key is to be who you already are more. That’s it. So the simplicity of the metaphor is you can be uplifting in kind. And when you are doing that, you are being the son. And just as important is to not be what I’m using as a metaphor. Not salt of the earth, but salting one’s roots, which is when we human beings are unkind, uncivil, not nice, not respectful, and in any way make other people or ourselves feel crappy. So here it is in a nutshell. Do the little things that you already do that make you and others feel great more and do the things that make you and other people feel crappy less?

Wendy Valentine: Pretty simple.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Pretty simple.

Wendy Valentine: It’s very simple. But you know what, though? When I think back, like, of all the lessons in life and the books I’ve readdeveloped, simplest teachings are the most profound, right?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yes. And because you and I, we both read lots and listened to lots and have attended lots of development work, and, you know, I’m 69 years old and as a shrink for many, many years, and personal development, quote unquote expert and keynote speaker and all the rest, you want to distill the essence of what you’ve learned into less and less words, more and more metaphors and pictures so that people can go, I can remember that. I can’t remember anything. But you know what I can remember this. Be the sun, not the salt. Was I just the sun? Or was I bit of a d***? Was I kind or was I. Was I less salty?

Wendy Valentine: You have to say it like that.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Salty, salty. I was a bit salty. And you know what? I don’t have to be. And you know what? I don’t have to be anymore. And that’s.

Wendy Valentine: You know what, though? I was just thinking, like, there’s no way you could have either written this book or spoken about this book if you were salty.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Exactly. There’s no way. In fact, people who think, and this is one of these, we were talking earlier, we all hold preposterous beliefs. We just don’t know which ones they are. This one is one. If you think that being salty doesn’t matter, that’s a preposterous belief. Automatic. It does matter. That’s the part that’s, Oh, you mean my little, my little irritated face that no one saw but a couple of people. Do you think that matters? Yeah, it does.

Wendy Valentine: It does matter. You know, kind of going back to what you were saying earlier, you were talking about the, energy and the, it’s the intangible of what we cannot see. I mean, we are 99.999% energy, which leaves only 0.001% matter. Why does it matter? It matters because we are way more energy than matter. And if you think about it, it’s almost like we’re in this little bowl of soup of, you know, like this cosmic energy, and we’re all intertwined and it’s all connected. And that’s why, like, you can literally, it doesn’t matter if you’re gonna, if you’re in a room with 500 people and all of a sudden you feel this, like a dark cloud, someone can walk in the room in a crappy mood, a salty mood. They can be in a salty mood and affect an entire room.

Doctor Harry Cohen: So here’s the truth of that. Energy is contagious. Everything is contagious, right? And you can feel it sometimes, obviously, and sometimes you can’t. And so that continuum of being sensitive to that. So you say, well, wait a minute, what kind of energy am I? The research on this, it’s quite remarkable. They did some research, and the positive energizers in an organization, the number of them, especially in high places, influence the performance and mood of the organization. Kind of like, duh. But it’s not as duh because that’s the whole kit and caboodle. That’s the point. You and I are energetic makeup, and it sounds woo woo, but it isn’t. If you’re in an uplifting and good mood, you know you’re going to affect the room as you walk in. Good morning. How are you? Try walk into a room and go, oh, my God, you should, I ran into such jerks this morning. Watch what happens to the room. So that’s as simple as it is. We can be that way or the other way. Do you want to be a positive energizer or a negative energizer, period? Since we are. Anyway. Why don’t you do it deliberately? When you walk into the room, what do you want to. How do you want to affect that room? That room that you’re talking about? I know how I want to affect every single person I come in contact with. I want them to walk away going, what a pleasant person, what a nice fellow. Oh, I had a lovely conversation with that person. I know I can do that depending on how I am being.

How you make someone feel is the whole kit and caboodle of this book

Wendy Valentine: What’s the quote? People may forget what you said.

Doctor Harry Cohen: People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but.

Wendy Valentine: They will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Maya Angelou. It is the kit and the caboodle of this book. The essence of this book is that quote. Literally, it’s like, come on, guys, how you make somebody feel is the whole kit and caboodle. So therefore, work as diligently as you can authentically in trying to make other people feel good.

Heliotropic people want the best for others

This podcast, we have so much wisdom we want to share, but mainly we want people to listen to it and go, that was good. I enjoyed that, you know?

Wendy Valentine: yeah, it’s contagious. The positivity is contagious. You’re like, we’re all. Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. Like, we’re like little balls of energy floating around like wee. in your book, I wrote this down. Heliotropic people.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yep.

Wendy Valentine: They smile, keep their word, kind, dependable, honest, do the hard work. They listen well, speak thoughtfully, compassionate, forgiving, curious. I love that. And mindful of others. And most importantly, heliotropic people want the best for others.

Doctor Harry Cohen: So listening to that is so true. And it’s not an exhaustive list. That is a list of, you read those qualities, you go, yeah, that sounds good. I’m like that sometimes. Awesome. I’m like that most of the time. Great. I’m like that all the time. Fantastic. So, those qualities are virtuous. Don’t you want your child to be like that? Don’t you want your best friend to be that? Don’t you want to be that? These are aspirational virtues that I want to be all those qualities. Great. So aspire to be that way. How can anybody lose?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You know, course in miracles. I studied that for a few years, and what that entire book boiled down to was. I know, it’s, like, so confusing, some of it, but it’s like, what the whole thing boiled down to was two words, love and fear. That’s it. Yeah, I know, right?

Doctor Harry Cohen: You have a Gerald John Plowski. it was too dense for me. In the eight in. I think it was the eighties. I say, yeah, yeah, I should probably do that. Never did, but your point exactly. And by the way, you know what the better one is? Love.

Wendy Valentine: I know exactly.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Fear is real. Don’t fuel, don’t give, don’t add a lot of juice to feed the fear even though it’s there. Feed the love.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Be the sunshine. Star of the salty stuff. Right? It’s like the, Do you hear the tale of the two wolves? The parable? You know that one?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Is that it? Yes, I’ve, got it. I think it’s chapter. No, it’s in my book. No, it’s in my book.

Wendy Valentine: It’s in my book.

Doctor Harry Cohen: It’s in my book.

The parable of the two wolves. For those of people don’t know it

The parable of the two wolves. For those of people don’t know it. Well, again, it’s the same as the Maya Angelou quote, little child. The grandson says to the old wise sage, you know, what’s the secret to happiness? And the old sage says, there are two wolves that exist inside all of us. One represents anger and jealousy and fear and all the negative emotions. And the other is hope and love and kindness. And the battle rages daily. And the young one says to the old sage, well, who wins? And the sage says, the one you feed. Ta da. that’s our whole.

Wendy Valentine: How is that?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah, it is simple. And it’s hard because we’re tempted to feed that negativity every split second. I can’t believe they did that. I can’t believe he said, as she said that. Leave it alone, dude. Don’t feed it. This is another good one, which is neurons that fire together. Neurons that fire together, wire together. So the more we practice feeding the good wolf or the bad wolf, the easier it gets automatically for our little brains to go. Let it go, Harry versus. I can’t believe she said that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. yeah. Neuroplasticity, it’s like, yes, we can, actually. I mean, it’s amazing that they just discovered that a little over 30 years ago. I’m like, really? We’re putting people on the moon, but you just now discovered we can rewire our brain. But, yeah, I mean, and I’ll have to say, for me, what changed for my life was actually being more of the sun and change your light and you change your life. Somebody write that down. That was good. Do you put that. You need to say it again.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Say it again. Say it again.

Wendy Valentine: change your light and change your life. That’s pretty good.

Doctor Harry Cohen: It is pretty good, but it’s true, right? I know it’s true.

Wendy Valentine: You change your energy. You change which, within that energy, as we know, is your thoughts. It’s your emotions, it’s your beliefs, it’s your actions, it’s your everything. And. And it’s all. It’s our own choice. It’s nobody. We would love to blame everybody else. I mean, myself included. I mean, I’ll admit, even, like, years ago, I’d be like, easy. He doesn’t want me to shine. Or, you know, like. But I’m like, wait a minute. One day I thought to myself, like, I’m the one that controls the. The dial, on the kerosene lamp. I’m the one that controls my light. I’m the one that gets to choose if I’m going to be sunny or salty. I choose that.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Would you please say that again for all your listeners and the world to hear nice and slowly? Because it’s that simple and that hard. Say it again.

Wendy Valentine: What did I say?

Doctor Harry Cohen: I’m the one.

Wendy Valentine: I’m the one that gets to choose whether I’m sunny or salty.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Mic drop. We can leave it. I mean, that. As simple as that is, people want to resist that. Well, no, no, no.

Harry says there are people out there that think they need to be salty

Wendy Valentine: Let me ask you this, because do you think. Well, it’s probably yes, but that there are people out there that think that they need to be salty.

Doctor Harry Cohen: If they do, they’re wrong.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And let me define what salty means. It’s making other feel. Making others feel crappy. This is the whole point of salty. It’s a metaphor. It’s nothing. Salt of the earth. It’s not taping, taking a firm stand and holding people accountable and having tough conversations and setting boundaries and being clear in your. What you will or won’t do. No, that’s not being salty. Well, you seem very salty. Dude, dude, dude, you’re misinterpreting the point. I’m holding firm to my ground and telling them they have to leave right now that’s salty. No, you have to go to bed right now. That’s not salty.

Wendy Valentine: No. Yeah. It’s interesting, kind of, in setting healthy boundaries. And I’ve always said, like, you don’t have to be like, you don’t have to be salty to have healthy boundaries. You can be like. You can. Being sunny doesn’t mean that you’re giving your power away. It’s. If anything, you’re. You have more power because you have more energy. You’re giving, like. And it’s. I mean, there’s a ton of it. It’s not like there’s a limit to the amount of sunshine that you can give. Right?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Exactly. There’s not limit how much love you can give, or sunshine, or listening, or curiosity, or gratitude, or kindness, or generosity. Like, Wendy, I so love that you. I keep saying this expression, but maybe I’ll find a better one. Get it, Wendy. You’re for me, like an ambassador, Anhejdehe, an avatar, a person who can say, wendy gets it. Just listen to what wendy has to say, because you do get it. And why I love this metaphor. So I don’t have to read another book or write another book. Because if I just practice this, my life will be better, and so will everyone else who’s around me. And I have enough work to do. I don’t need another. What else you got, Harry? No, no. I got so many opportunities to be the son in every given moment, the way you describe. I can turn my kerosene lamp up. Oh, I can be a little bit less salty. And my work is. I got enough to do until I die. Thank you, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. And it’s so, it’s, life is so much better when you shine. It really is. I know.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us

And I’ll admit. Let me, let me, shout out another quote, from Marianne Williamson, which is one of my faves. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Interesting.

Wendy Valentine: So I know. Is that interesting?

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah. I have to marinate in that because.

Wendy Valentine: And then she goes on to say, there’s nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others don’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine like children do. so it’s interesting, though, that there is this kind of, like, and I’ll, admit, like, even for me, going back to when I had that kerosene lamp, kind of, like, turned down, because me being brighter meant basically what I’d be doing right now. It would mean that I would have to shine more, connect more, really put, use my structure. I know what’s wrong with that. I know there’s nothing wrong with it. Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Let me guess. And I don’t know if it’s true or not. You can edit this out if you want. You had a partner that was like, I don’t like you shining so bright, which, if you did, I mean, very simply, you go, hold on a second. Is it hurting your eyes? I should turn it down because you.

Wendy Valentine: But if it’s better get some sunglasses.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah, let me m get you some sunglasses. Because if their motive. Their motive is pure, like, sweetie, you know, I know you’re so into shining, but my eyes are really sensitive right now. Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll go over here and shine. Yeah, but what you want is good company to say, oh, my God, let me go get some sunglasses, because you are bright. As. Bright, as. Bright as the sun. I love when you shine.

Wendy Valentine: So, yeah, you’re number one. You’re very right. But then, number two, you’ll fall. You’ll find, though, right, that as soon as you start to shine more, you attract more of a light bright, and, more of a. You attract your tribe, you attract other bright lights. Totally like you. That’s why. That’s why we’re having this conversation.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Well, it’s lovely that we are. And I. I believe, that we attract whatever to our lives for reasons that are known and unknown. That’s my belief. I’m not saying I’m right. I’m just telling. I believe that. So whatever comes into my life, it’s like, okay, I either showed, I either made an appointment, or they walked across my path. My job is to make the best of the. Whoa. Okay, I got whatever. I got here. Whatever showed up in front of my path, I must have quote unattracted this, okay, I still have to make it great. And so, it’s all back to, well, am I shining or not? Am I being that light or not? For everyone, including myself. I want to be that light for everyone, including myself. I can’t shine any kaka on me. I have to shine to everybody. And if I’m nothing, I got plenty of work to do. I guess that’s my job today.

Wendy Valentine: Yep, yep.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And it’s so clarifying and wonderful and to the point you’re making. If you’re around people, you know, who are making you feel less bright, you might want to say, check, please. And check please don’t. No drama. I can’t believe. I mean, like, you’re in a restaurant and there’s loud people right next to you. Don’t b**** about it. Ask to move to a different table or leave.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, I think that was. That was one of the chapters in your book was about just like, oh, just. Just leave it. And that’s the thing. Like, we can be. We can choose, right? Like, if we’re going to be sunny or salty, we can’t choose what other people are going to do. They will either be sunny or salty. That’s their choice as well. But then how do you handle the salty people?

Doctor Harry Cohen: So that’s our job. The question that you ask is like, oh, boy, this is my test. How can I handle this incredibly salty person? whomever she. He might be a two year old, a ten year old, a 68 year old, a 92 year old. They’re all different. And your relationship with them is different. They’re perfect strangers to intimates or whatever. And. And so how am I going to be the son in the face of mister or misses salty puss?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And the answer is, I don’t know. But I’m going to try my very best to say to myself afterwards, Harry, you were great. You did really well.

Harry Cohen: You have to be selective about how you spend your energy

You want to give yourself a grade? I got an a plus. I got a b minus. I wasn’t too bad, but I was. I know I could have. Whatever it is, I love the challenge. I didn’t let them infect me, affect me. I was gentle and helped them out.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Doctor Harry Cohen: There’s so many opportunities. They’re wonderful because you and I both know that we can help salty people be less salty with our. And I want to say this because it’s weird, but people with our love, real love.

Wendy Valentine: Did you just say love?

Doctor Harry Cohen: I did. I did. And love comes in a lot of forms.

Wendy Valentine: Well, I used to always say I’m an energy snob because I’m very selective about where I get my energy from, how I give it out. But instead, we could relate this to the book. Be a sunshine snob. Picky about. Right? Like, how? Because there are some things. It’s just not, like you said, get up, walk away. It’s not worth the time and the energy. And that salt, like, if you’re around it enough, it can affect you. And putting salt on your sunshine rays.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Like, it’s totally, totally. And don’t. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Look, if you’re arguing with a drunk, I used to say, who’s the idiot? Ah. Queuing with a drunk. You know, like, with stuff. Just. Dude, dude, there’s no. Move on. Move on. You know what I mean? You know, you see some schizophrenic who’s, you know, a, homeless person and clearly off their meds and rambling, and you want to. You want to have a conversation with them, the poor dude. No, no, no. Don’t go there, man. The person is in a deep, dark hole. So, yeah, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You have to be selective about how you’re spending your energy. I mean, I think I remind myself of this all the time. Like we. Maybe if we’re lucky, we get 100 years, right? If we go. If we go according to the blue zones, we get 100 years, right? And it’s a. Of a time in eternity. That’s it. Like, it’s just like not even like. I mean, someday. I mean, believe it or not, someday everyone’s going to forget Doctor Harry Cohen. Wendy Valentine. It’s sad, but someday they’ll be like, who, who are those people? Like, we like to think that we’re. We are. We’re. We are so amazing. And we are very precious at the same time. It’s like, quit wasting time on the dumb s*** on the salt.

Doctor Harry Cohen: I love this. God, do I love this. And I literally. I was just thinking this, this morning, this, notion of. But I’ve got so much to say, Harry. Nobody cares. I’ve got so much to offer. Harry. Easy, big fella. You’re a spec. Let it go, buddy. In a good way. In a really good way. Yes.

Wendy Valentine: You know, and that’s actually a great point right there. No matter what you do in the world, you don’t have to be a public speaker, you don’t have to be an author. You don’t have to have a podcast. None of that. You could literally go out for coffee and sit there, sip on your little espresso and smile at the person next to you and make the world a difference that.

Doctor Harry Cohen: So what you and I are saying is literally, for me, the whole point. That in itself, nothing more.

The simplest teachings are the most profound. Just like, were you kind to someone today

Well, what are your twelve goals? What are your 14 achievements? How much are you going to? None of that. Just like, were you kind to someone today? Did you uplift the tiniest human in your path? If so, lay your head on your pillow and know that you did good. You can leave now. I mean, that’s it. And I mean, our days are, as you said, this short. I’m on my back nine. I’m close to the end. I hope I make it to 100. But if I live until the end of the day, this was the best thing I did today.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, that’s the simplest. The simplest teachings are the most profound. I think as human beings, we try to complicate it. We do, because like, we’re. We are very intelligent creatures out here on the planet. But we need to remind ourselves we are kind of like going back to your heliotropic with the plants right behind you. We’re just the same where these. We’re part of nature. It’s part of, yeah, I mean, it’s all the same.

Doctor Harry Cohen: It’s all the same. And if you think of yourself as this plant or nature or living organism, you’re like, how would you feed it? What would you do for it? How would you keep it healthy? What would you do to make sure that the living creature that you were in charge of was as healthy and as vibrant and as alive as you could? Well, you’d do some very basic stuff. You’d water it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I know. It’s, like, very simple. It’s so basic. I know. Like, we try to complicate it, and it’s not. It’s not that hard. It’s not that hard to be loving and sweet and kind and. And, yeah, I mean, there’s. You’re gonna have. But. But I think about some of the relationships that I have that might be, like, close family members. You can’t discard of everyone.

Doctor Harry Cohen: M. so let me go to town on this. So it takes.

Wendy Valentine: We take it with a grain of salt. Is that,

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah. Well, here’s the deal. Because we know this stuff. Knowing isn’t doing. There’s a chapter in there. Knowing isn’t doing. Of course, we know we should drink water. So add a little bit of water to your life already. Now, you and I both know we’re supposed to drink a lot of water. And I just started brand new 16oz of water before my morning coffee. Took me this long to figure that out. I love that. Just like you say, it’s so easy to do, to be kind and loving to people. Great.

The most important relationship you need to water is the relationship with yourself

So let’s do it some more in the face of people who are triggery for us. Family members are triggery for us. So drink your water. Well, what do you mean? Well, if you know so and so is a trigger for you. Water metaphor. How are you going to drink your water today? In spite of the fact I don’t feel like it? Well, you do it anyway. Another chapter in there. So with the triggery, relative of yours, you gird your loins, you get ready, you say, I am going to be so loving and kind in the face of you know who. And afterwards you go, I did pretty good today.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Not perfect, but you know what? I was pretty good today. Yeah, that’s it exactly. That takes a little bit of thought, because, you know, if you’re going to see so and so today, it’s not that easy for us with our so and so’s. They trigger us for a variety of reasons. You can get into it or not, or you can go, I’m not going there today.

Wendy Valentine: It’s just not worth it.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah, it’s just not worth it.

Wendy Valentine: It’s not. It’s funny. there is a chapter in your book, we are like so connected in some wild way, but I have a chapter in my book called become your own BFF. And yours, I think, is. I know I’m your best friend. I know.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Exactly. Same d*** thing.

Wendy Valentine: But. Yeah. But going back to what we were saying before, the most important relationship you need to water is the relationship with yourself. Yeah, exactly.

Doctor Harry Cohen: That takes care. It’s not like, oh, yeah, I already know that. Well, of course you know that. But the way to do that, there’s not one way. There’s, 50 ways, a hundred ways. They’re all good. Which ones are the best? The one you do. Well, what’s the best exercise? The one you do.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Doctor Harry Cohen: What’s the best self care modality? The one you do.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And I’m not done. I haven’t exhausted my self care. I love discovering new and better ways to take care of myself.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Oh my God.

Wendy Valentine: How does just soaking up the sun literally. Right? The soaking up the light of things that you do in life.

Wendy Valentine: Because it’s not like you said, there’s not like just one way to love yourself and do things for yourself that. I mean, that’s what I love. Like, once the kids left a nest, I was like, woohoo. Yeah. I was like, what else am I gonna do in this lifetime? You know? Like, the second chapter is so cool because it is. Ways to find things that. Pun intended. That light up your life.

Doctor Harry Cohen: That’s it. Pun, totally intended. Find and do and think things that light up your life and or someone else’s mic drop. Well, like what? I don’t care. Like. Like what? Do what you already do that lights up your life more. So it’s not like, do I have to learn a new language? No.

Wendy Valentine: Unless you want to.

Doctor Harry Cohen: If you want to.

Wendy Valentine: Not Portuguese, because it’s hard.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah, don’t do it. But to your point, this is it. Like, well, what’s the path? What’s the map? Do the things that you already do that light up your life a little bit more. That’s it. oh. And don’t do the things that deplete you a little bit less. Do those a little bit less. Like what? The third or fourth glass of great wine. Yeah, but it’s great wine. I understand. I just think of this this morning. I love you. I love.

Shakalaka: Emotions are signals, right?

Really good, Cabernet. I’m a wine snob now. But I now have to be really mindful. Not have to. Do you see that word? I have to do it again. I get to be thoughtful about third glass, not m if I’m driving. how many have I had so far? You know? Okay, so it’s not the end of the world, but I’ll feel a little bit better if I have one less. I’m using this as a metaphor of.

Wendy Valentine: We love our metaphors, but that’s the key right there. Like, it’s awareness.

Doctor Harry Cohen: All.

Wendy Valentine: Ah, this boils down to awareness. M am I being sunny? M am I being salty? Is this too much? Let’s just like. It’s simplifying your life and it just makes it more effortless and you take the pressure off yourself and of others to do that.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Totally. The idea of simplifying, because I’ve read so many books and attended a 1007 seminars and workshops and meditation retreats and you know what’s. And I can’t remember anything. However, I can remember this. I can remember this conversation. And that gives me the. Where am I? In the woods. Oh, right, there’s the path.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Walk that way.

Wendy Valentine: Boom.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Shakalaka.

Wendy Valentine: Well, going back to the wolves, right? It’s feeding that good wolf.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Feed the good wolf.

Wendy Valentine: Denying that other wolf isn’t there. It’s not to deny that we. I mean, what, according to David Hawkins, 19 of. Right, main emotions, and they all have emotional frequencies. Not to deny those lower frequencies. We all have them. Obviously, if someone dies in your life, you’re not going to be like, well, I’m so happy. It’s not denying the negative or sad emotions. It’s choosing. Knowing that you can choose to uplift and elevate and increase your energy.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And this is an insight that I’m going to pass. I know who this. This might have been. Arthur Brooks, or I. I think it was Arthur Brooks. Yeah. In his new book with Oprah. Emotions, are signals. Emotions, are signals, right? Oh, I’m feeling something. Oh, good. What are you feeling? Good. What is it trying to tell? Hm? You pay attention. Pay attention. It’s not wrong or bad. What is it trying to tell you? What should you do with this emotion? How do you understand it? Is there anything to do? Perhaps not. Okay. Pay attention and then take an action that either to your point, raises your energy or not. Let’s use grief as a beautiful one, because sadness, people misinterpret that in the context of this conversation. I’m not feeling sunny, I’m feeling sad. Hold on a second.

Wendy Valentine: Yep.

Doctor Harry Cohen: If you’re feeling sad, it’s a good thing to know that you’re feeling sad. And, it’s likely that you’re feeling sad about something that perhaps you should feel sad about, which is good and healthy and pure and uplifting and heliotropic.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And while it might not feel comfortable to feel sad, I love the purity of genuine sadness and understanding that sadness in its pure form, grief, is beautiful to behold. And allowing ourselves or someone else to feel that is lovely. And that, to me, is a lovely insight. And I can be the son for someone by allowing them to be sad with no judgment, with no explanation. And just being with them, is some of the most wonderful time that I can have myself. Feeling sad with someone who’s allowing me to feel sad is just healingly wonderful. So emotions are to be understood. Not to be feared and, ah, pushed down.

Sadeena: Emotions are energy in motion. They have a vibrational frequency

I’m feeling angry now. Anger is something a little different, which is like, whoa, easy, big fella. What are you feeling? Hold it, hold it. What are you feeling angry about? Use your words. You know you’re talking to a little one, right? Use your words. And as the little one articulates what they’re feeling angry about, they start to calm down and get a little bit more in control. They’re not wrong to feel angry that Johnny hit them, but they can’t use the brick to throw it at Johnny. That’s not good. Nor can we. Like, you know. Yeah, so. So talking us off the ledge. Talking ourselves off the ledge, I go, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Really? You said our, in that book, and I’ve read that too. I, ah, think it was like last year, but. But yeah, it’s emotions. They’re a signal, and they’re normal. Like, we’re human beings. We’re human beings. Being human, that’s. It’s what we’re supposed to feel. But I think now, I think of emotion as energy in motion.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Oh, nice.

Wendy Valentine: I know she liked that.

Doctor Harry Cohen: I know, I love that. Let me just. Let me just stay with that for a second. Emotion is energy in motion. Yeah, I interrupted you, but go ahead. Where I would go with that is, where do you want to put that?

Wendy Valentine: Right, but keep going and letting it flow through you. Right? Like, it’s okay to have that sadness and that anger and grief and. But sticking with that can actually be very harmful, obviously, to yourself and to those around you. So you don’t want to, like, stay in those lower frequency emotions for too long. Let them, flow through you, let them move through you. But yeah, I mean, emotions, just like thoughts, feelings, all of that. They have a vibrational frequency. They have energy. Those are. And it blocks. It’s almost like. I mean, yeah, we think about the sun, right? With the rays. Your rays are, like, getting shorter and shorter and shorter. And there’s times in our lives where maybe we don’t want to shine so bright. We want to crawl into a little cave and just grieve, and that’s totally okay. But then you’re done and come back out and shine.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And even in your grief. Even in your grief, I have experienced shining. Not in the way that we would talk about smiling and being happy, but, Authentic. Authentic sadness is very, very beautiful to be around. And I say that having been authentically sad, weeping uncontrollably, and being around someone who’s Sadeena.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Doctor Harry Cohen: And honoring and allowing that to be what it is and not forcing what we would call toxic positivity. When are you going to come out?

Doctor Harry Cohen: When are you going to come out of your grief? Why? Are you uncomfortable with my sin?

Wendy Valentine: If anything, now that I think about it, it’s like, that’s those times in your life and those moments, those seasons.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Mm

Wendy Valentine: Seasons, literally. It’s. That’s when you turn those rays inward more, where you’re shining the light more on yourself to help you so you can get through that. Yes.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Yeah. And yes. We want to help as many people as possible through our work. I can tell that about you and your work. We know. We feel like we’ve discovered something, and we want to shout it from the rooftops. Guys, guys, this way. It’s over here. The path is a lot better if you walk over here. I don’t think we’re wrong. I think we’re just plain correct. Guys, guys, it’s less steep and icy, and you won’t get hurt if you walk over here. Guys, listen, and we want to shout to. To the people walking up the hill. It’s an easier path if you come over here, you know?

Wendy says detachment is key to success in life

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, join the sunshine. You know what? The same time, though, I think about this. Like, I thought about, like, even when I started this show and with everything I’m doing now, the key was detachment. And we kind of talked about this a little bit before we hit record that obviously we can’t control what people are going to think or feel. And some people may hate. Some people out there hate my light. Like, literally hate my energy. I’m too loud. I laugh too much, I smile too much. The old wendy would have been like, oh, God, I better turn down that kerosene lamp. Now. I’m like, yeah, y’all better get some shades, because this s***’s getting brighter, you know? So you have to, no matter who you are, what you’re doing, and how you shine your light, you just shine it, and you have to let it go and detach however it’s received.

Doctor Harry Cohen: this is the ancient stuff. I mean, I was a student of the ancient wisdoms, plural, for many m many decades, and still am. So I like to ground my worldview in, hey, the sages have been talking about this, so we’re on the right track. Your point that you just made? It’s the ancient. The sanskrit stuff in the bhagavad gita. Don’t be attached to the fruits of your labor. Karma yoga is, you do your righteous duty, and you’re not attached to the fruits of what you plant. So I plan on planting a bazillion seeds, and I won’t be alive for the harvest. That’s okay. And whether there is any harvest, I’m not in charge of the fruits. My job is to plant and water and plant and water and plant and water, and that’s it. So, how people receive these fruits, not my job. My job is to plant, fertilize, water, mulch, and keep on planting. To your point. You keep shining brightly, you know, you’re too brighten. Okay, so be it. Oh, I heard one guy once said, I used to run a conference. 250,000 people came through this conference that I ran for nine years. So 150 people at a time. It was very cool. It was very liberating because I learned how to deliver a message. You know, I would tell the same stories, you know, 182 times. And after the 50th time, I think I really got this. But it was really until the hundredth that I really understood how to get a message to land. Okay. One guy said to me, you need a little bit more larceny in your blood. And I said, no, I don’t. I don’t need one molecule of larceny in my blood. But he was thinking something, wrong. I’m not that guy. I’m not interested in. Yeah, you know, sometimes you got to steal a little bit now and then. If you get. No, no, you don’t. And that’s you, Wendy. You put out that beautiful energy, and if people are, you’re too bright, so be it.

Wendy Valentine: It’s okay.

Doctor Harry Cohen: It’s really.

Wendy Valentine: I would rather. I would rather die knowing that I was too brighten. Yeah, rather being too salty.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Exactly. Too salty. Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Too salty. It’s so interesting. I just have to let you know this because I’ll forget, but we’re so connected because, The very last day, right before my brother passed away, I read the Bhagavad Gita to him, and I wanted to read that book to him because I wanted him to be left with that. That. With that light, with that knowledge and that wisdom and knowing that you’re. We are all. We are all these warriors that can carry this light and plow through anything. Plow through any battlefield and be the light. Yeah, I know.

Doctor Harry Cohen: When did he pass?

Wendy Valentine: about five years ago. Yeah. Yeah. One of. It’s weird to say, but one of the greatest experiences for me, because it truly did change my life. It helps. It actually, like, ironically, like, I wanted to bring him out of the coma, but actually, like, he woke me up out of that whole experience from.

Doctor Harry Cohen: How beautiful is that?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I’m very, very grateful. Yeah, it was, But he’s. Yeah, he’s part of the reason why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. So I’m. Yeah. And it. Which goes to. Goes to show it’s like the heliotropic effect is also like the butterfly effect. Right. The more we shine our light, we give others permission to do the same. And that, it’s like this whole beautiful ripple effect across the world. And it’s for, like, I mean, your book will be, hopefully, forever sitting on a bookshelf and being read and making.

Doctor Harry Cohen: I’m so glad you said that because you and I are going to die.

Wendy Valentine: I’m.

Be the sun, not the salt is a phrase that can have instant meaning

Doctor Harry Cohen: But this image or the metaphor and the idea perhaps, might live on in that, be the sun, not the salt is a phrase that can have instant meaning. And I’ve often said, you don’t need to read the book. You can just look at the COVID look at the picture, or get the metaphor and let it stay with you. Put it in your pouch to take with you on every hike. And that’s our life. Hike. That we will have left the world a little bit better for having been here. I mean, Maya Angelou made the world a better place. Her nuggets of wisdom, will live on as they do, just like Viktor Frankl. Just like her. And I want to be in that company. I want to be Nelson Mandela. And that level of. We did some good, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: I know. And everybody can in their own little way. Yeah. Yeah. And I have to say, like, you guys have got to go to his website. I love your website. I’m a bit of a website snob, but, it is. It is a beautiful website. It’s so bright. It’s so colorful. It’s sunny. I mean, it is. It’s great. The book itself. Okay, so where can they get the book?

Doctor Harry Cohen: So there’s two places you can get the book. Go to the website Bethesun. Not the salt.com. there’s all kinds of free stuff on there. Podcast will be on that website. We populate it with a ton of goodness. Your stuff will be on there. Or you can go to Amazon. You can go to be the son, not the salt.com, or go to Amazon. More important than get the book is live this idea from our conversation. I and Wendy live this. Try really hard. Not so hard. We try easily to live this way. We already do, and we ain’t done. And we are part of a movement that’ll already change the world. Come and join us. Okay.

Wendy Valentine: Be in the sun. Yes. I also added your book to my Amazon store, too, so I know.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Wendy, I’m telling you, anything you want to do with me, anytime. The answer is yes. Yes. So it doesn’t matter what it is, whether it’s your book launch or retreat.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you.

Doctor Harry Cohen: You’re welcome.

Wendy Valentine: You are. You are sunny. But it’s sunny, man. Not salty. Not salty.

Doctor Harry Cohen: That’s my aspiration.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Doctor Harry Cohen: Right back at you.

Wendy Valentine: All right, everyone, have an amazing sunny day, no matter where you are in the world. And be sunny, not salty.

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