Megan Valentine shares how somatic healing can help you break free from relationship patterns

Wendy Valentine: Welcome back to the midlife makeover Show. I’m your host, Wendy Valentine. And if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the same relationship patterns, questioning why love feels so hard or wondering how to truly heal from past wounds, today’s episode is for you. Our, guest is Megan. I forgot to ask how to pronounce your name. Is it Cher?

Megan Sherer: It is. Yeah. You got it.

Wendy Valentine: She is a holistic therapist, relationship coach, speaker, and a facilitator with over 11 years of experience helping women reconnect with their most authentic selves. She is the creator of the love alignment method and the self care space, guiding thousands of women toward transformation in both life and love. Megan is also the author of the soon to be released book, next week, choose yourself. And today she’s here to share how somatic healing can help you break free from old relationship patterns and step into healthier, more fulfilling connections. We’ll explore how past experiences get stored in the body. Been there, done that. Why mindset work alone isn’t enough to shift our relationship patterns. And the power of somatic healing to create lasting change. So if you’re ready to release the emotional baggage.

Megan Sherer: Yes, please.

Wendy Valentine: And realign with love in a whole new way, this episode is for you. Please welcome Megan to the show.

Megan Sherer: Thank you so much, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: What?

Megan Sherer: an introduction. I’m so happy to be here.

Wendy Valentine: Pleasure. It’s great to have you here. I don’t know where to start. I was like, should we talk about your book first? Because that’s really good. I’m going to get into that because I have read the book cover to cover. I endorsed it.

Megan Sherer: Yes, you did. And you were one of the first to read it. So thank you so much. That was so exciting.

Wendy Valentine: Okay, we’re going to save that.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

CR: What made you choose the beautiful niche of relationships

Wendy Valentine: My first question for you, as a therapist and a practitioner, what made you choose the beautiful niche of relationships?

Megan Sherer: This is one of those situations where it absolutely chose me.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, yeah.

Megan Sherer: Nice answer.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: This was not my original plan for my life and my career path. I started my career in my early 20s working more, in the nutrition and eating disorder space. So I had studied nutrition and eating psychology and was working with women kind of post eating disorder recovery to help them have a healthier relationship with their bodies and with food. mostly because that’s something I had struggled with in my teen years and in my early 20s as well. So it was. Yeah, it was a path that I was pretty certain about and, due to sort of a. I. I was gonna say unfortunate series of events, but I think it was more like a divinely timed and inspired series of events. In my early 20s, I went through, a pretty traumatic car accident. And I was in an abusive relationship at the time as well, and didn’t really realize it had had a lot of sort of waking up to do to the patterns that I was in, as well as childhood trauma that I had not even touched yet, hadn’t even begun to explore for myself. And it all kind of came CR. Up to the surface all at once. And I was in this big sort of dark night of the soul, facing all of this, all of this stuff that I felt so unprepared, unequipped to deal with, but also that some part of me knew I’ve got to look at what’s here because this is. This doesn’t feel good. I don’t think it’s working for me to live my life in this way, to be in this relationship. And that was really the catalyst for my own inner healing work. And I started diving deep into attachment work, somatic work, and getting the support that I needed. And at the same time, I started noticing a lot of the clients that I was working with. Even if we began talking about their relationship with their body or food, we’d come back to relationships, we’d come back to childhood attachment wounds. And it was all sort of coming back to a lot of the same themes and patterns. And it kept showing up at my door. So I had to sit down and say, like, okay, need to get really well equipped to support people with this. I need to. To go through my own journey and then train, get trained and study what there is to study so that I can. Can really help people. Because this is clearly a pattern.

Wendy Valentine: Isn’t it interesting, though? Like, we’re not really taught how to be in a relationship. We are indirectly right by observing others, as children and whether it’s our parents, our siblings, our friends, teachers, you know, like, we’re. We’re not really taught how to be in a relationship, nor. And maybe I’m speaking for myself, but, nor are we taught how to relate to ourselves.

Megan Sherer: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Ourselves.

Megan Sherer: Yeah, we really just pick up and kind of mimic what’s modeled to us. And, you know, it’s like they always. You always hear people say to parents, like, kids, learn from what you do, not what you tell them. And I. I’m a big analogy person. The other day I was writing and kind of felt this silly analogy of thinking about. When I was a kid, I learned to bake. I really loved baking, and I Was thinking, like, how did I learn? Because I. I didn’t, like, study recipe books. There was no YouTube when I was a kid, so I couldn’t, like, learn that way. I learned by watching my dad. He was in the kitchen all the time. And I’d watch like, okay, that’s how he cracks eggs. That’s how he folds in the melted ch when he’s making brownies. And just, like, would study that and then repeat it. And we learn relationships. We learn love the same way. We just watch what our parents are doing. We watch how they treat each other, we watch how they treat us. We watch how our peers treat us in school, and then we just copy that. And for most people, we get to adulthood and we are copying things from childhood that do not work.

Wendy Valentine: They don’t work.

Megan Sherer: Not. Yeah, not relevant anymore.

Wendy Valentine: And unfortunately, or I was. Fortunately, we don’t realize it until way after the fact, which is fine. Even for me. It wasn’t until probably late 40s where I was like, wait, something’s not quite working right here. You know, like, you were lucky, at least in your. What, you were in your mid-20s, where you’re like, wait a second, I need to unpack all this. Let me go into the dark and find out. You know, And I think for me, you know, and maybe others out there listening too, it’s like if you’re having children and then you just get busy, like, being a mom and there starts a new relationship, and then you keep going and keep going and going, and then you wake up one day and go, wait a second. Why. Why am I in this relationship? Why am I behaving this way? Why do I have friends that treat me like this? Why don’t I have any boundaries? You know, like, it’s all these things. It just kind of like, attack you, you know, late in life. But it’s never too late. I know that for sure.

Megan Sherer: No, it’s never too late. And I. I mentioned this in the book, that that was actually one of the common themes when I started doing this work for myself in my 20s. I would speak to women who were older than me, like my mom or, you know, sort of mother figures I had collected along the way. And they would say something similar, like, oh, man, I wish I had learned that lesson younger. I wish that I had learned to set boundaries or to stop people pleasing and caring what other people think. And that’s, again, why when I said it earlier, like, this path chose me because my plan was what we all think our plan is supposed to be. I’m gonna meet somebody. I’m gonna get married at, like, 24 and start having kids at 25 and be this, like, cute, young, successful mom. And that’s my plan. Life did not go according to that plan for me. And I really only started this work because I was put in positions where I was just in so much pain. I couldn’t. I couldn’t not look at it like that. Ah, that was just the path my life took. And I’m really glad that it did, that I had the opportunity to look at all of this at. At a young age. and like you said, it’s never too late.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And you know what, too? I think, you know, for me, just myself as an example, I had to forgive myself for what I did not know.

You kind of learn those emotions from your parents, I would guess

Megan Sherer: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: And for what I was taught, whether directly or indirectly. And. And even what I put myself through. Right. Because, I mean, it’s like our brains are little sponges, and especially as we’re children, and it just absorbs all of this, and you just start. Like you said, you just kind of copy like, okay, this is what I’m going to do. This is what you’re supposed to do. This is what love is. This is what. You know, all emotions. You kind of learn those emotions from. Mostly from your parents, I would guess. And if they’re. If it’s unhealthy, then unfortunately, you sometimes repeat those same behaviors.

Megan Sherer: Exactly. And to your point, like, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And I’ve worked with so many clients who are women coming out of abusive relationships, divorcing somebody who was a narcissist, ending just like an unfulfilling relationship. Maybe it wasn’t unhealthy, but it was just unfulfilling. Yeah. Blah. And they always look back and say, like, why did I stay in it so long? I should have left sooner. And. And my answer to that, for anybody who’s listening, who feels that way, is if you could have, you would have. You feel like you should have, because you’ve got the benefit of 2020 hindsight, but you did the very best you could with the tools you had at the time.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

What exactly is Somatic Healing? I’m so glad you asked

What exactly is Somatic Healing?

Megan Sherer: I’m so glad you asked, because I feel like that’s definitely become a buzzword on social media these days, and it’s not always positioned, in an accurate manner. I’ve seen things out there like somatic workouts for weight loss, and people are just, like, slapping the word somatic onto things as, like, a marketing Gimmick, which is frustrating. But somatic work really is, therapeutic work that involves the body. So when most people think of therapy, they think of traditional talk therapy. You go in once a week and you talk about what’s going on in your life and how you feel about it. And there’s a lot of value in that kind of psychotherapy, especially if you haven’t ever learned to process your emotions in that way and talk about your life story and, like, take accountability for it. It’s great for identifying those patterns.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: For most people, they eventually hit a point with talk therapy where they feel like they’ve hit a plateau, like, just talking about the same things in circles, but nothing’s really changing in my life. How do I break past that? Somatic therapy is where we get to really address the mind body connection and understand how our nervous system works, how our attachment system works in relationships, and how our body sort of holds the memories of past traumatic experiences, relational wounds, and unprocessed emotions. A lot of people by now have heard of the book the Body Keeps the Score. So that’s always kind of a nice reference book point.

Wendy Valentine: Yep.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. Of really understanding, like, okay, I can talk about my patterns and emotions all day long, but am I actually feeling them and giving my body a chance to catch up to the new, program, like, the new place that I’m at?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Because sometimes, as positive as you might think about something, it’s still deep down in the layers within you. And when you were talking about how, you know, you were in a, toxic relationship and you have the car accident, you had all these things that were happening. And, you know, for me, when I mid-40s, it’s like I had everything happen all at once, too. I mean, in some of it, but, like, even some old wounds that I had not really addressed kind of all came to the surface. And I was really sick, and I could tell that I was like, okay, there’s something to all of this. And I actually read that book, the Body Keeps the Score. I was like, okay, this has all got to be connected. There’s something not like my body was just screaming at me and probably even my soul. My soul was like, come on, let’s look at all this nasty stuff, you know? But once I did, and, like, I did, and I don’t know. I don’t even know if I did, how would you know? Like, what is what? Give me an example of somatic therapy. Like, what.

Megan Sherer: So there’s.

Wendy Valentine: What do you actually do?

Megan Sherer: It’s a great question. And it’s, kind of a long answer because it’s not just one thing or one modality. Under the umbrella of somatic therapy, there’s lots of different tools that we can use. So one example, there’s a modality that’s trademarked called somatic experiencing. But there’s different ways of going about that as well, where you essentially bring awareness into the physical sensations you’re having when you’re talking about an emotion or an inner part of yourself or an experience. So let’s say you have had a fight with your partner and it’s caused you to feel really anxious and you’re having all these, like, negative thoughts about it. You might go into a practice with a somatic therapist who you start by talking about the thoughts and then you notice what’s going on in my body. Do I notice a racing heart or tightness in my chest or maybe a lump in my throat? And you go deeper into those sensations to really bring the focus on too, what’s going on in your body. Just kind of like simple awareness and witnessing being with. Then there’s all kinds of different tools where we can move energy through the body. So yoga can be a therapeutic somatic practice. I’ve studied yoga therapy for trauma recovery. And those postures can be a really great way to reclaim movements where your body sort of got interrupted. Like, this is going to be a little bit more of an extreme example, but let’s imagine that there’s a woman who’s being attacked or assaulted. And in that moment, her stress response, her nervous system stress, response kicks in and she freezes your brain and body. Do this very quick internal assessment of am I strong enough to fight back? I don’t think so. Am I fast enough to run away? Maybe not. And so you might just freeze in that scenario. There may have been, though, an impulse to push, to kick, to run, right? Like to mobilize your body in some way that got stifled. Because whatever reason, like, maybe we felt like we couldn’t access that in that moment. And so learning to reclaim some of those movements through, like a yoga practice through somatic movement on the mat can be a great way to let your body complete that cycle so that it’s not whole, holding that stifled response.

Wendy Valentine: And I, you know, it’s only natural too, right? As a human being, we have that fight, flight, freeze response. But I mean, just as you look back through your life, I’m sure we can probably all remember a time, whatever, if we’re in a fight with someone or something. Like that. And then even if it’s something not even close to that, like maybe your boss gets mad at you or something, you know, I don’t know. Right. And you react the same way you did 30 years ago.

Megan Sherer: Exactly. Yeah. Because your. Your body isn’t taking in, like, the specifics of this situation compared to that situation and the nuance perspective. It’s just feeling, oh, this feels like that threat. Go back into that activation.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, for me, again, like, in my late 40s, when I went through all of that and after, like, my brother had passed away, I. Witnessing my brother pass away really, like, triggered just a ton of stuff for me. So it was hard to unpack it all. It took a long time. But I’m glad. Like, there are tons of different therapies. And, you know, I did emdr, I did the yoga, I did the. I mean, I tried everything just because I wanted it. Just like you did, like, back in your 20s. You’re like, oh, my God, I just want this resolved. You can feel better and be at peace. Because even. Even again, like, even if you’re thinking very positively about something and you think you’re over it, but your body’s. It’s like, no, I’m not over it. Yeah, do it.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

You say pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

And that’s where this could be a whole nother episode in and of itself. But there’s a modality that I really, really like and I work with a lot called parts work. And I. I work with somatic parts work. There’s. Some people know parts work as ifs or internal family systems, but essentially kind of like summing it up very quickly. It’s working with the understanding that we’ve all got all these inner parts of ourself, of our psyche, of our personality. It’s not just like, oh, I’m a person who’s anxious, I’m a person who’s controlling. It’s. I’ve got this part that likes to control. Likes to be in control in order to feel safe. I’ve got this other part that gets really fearful when people pull away from me and is afraid of losing love. And all these different parts of ourselves are most often childhood parts, right? Like, they’re adaptations of our younger self, and we build a relationship with all of them. And that is something I’ve learned over the years, helps us get to a place where there’s less resistance to the pain rather than being in that place that, I think both you and I found ourselves in of, like, I just want to be out of pain. This is too much. I’ll do whatever it takes. Like, no more. You get to a place where you do resolve. Enough of that. And you also acknowledge, like, pain is part of life. Can I learn to expand my capacity to be with it and be okay with that rather than running from it?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. What’s the, Is it Buddha that said, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional?

Megan Sherer: Yeah. I’m actually, I’m not sure if it, it might have been. Yeah. But I love that quote.

Wendy Valentine: I think it’s true. Yeah. And it’s like, and, and I, I used to always think of that, like, okay, yeah, you’re gonna have pain. That’s all, that’s all. That’s part of being human, right?

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: You’re gonna experience pain, pleasure. That’s all very normal as a human being. But the suffering part, that, that is optional. That is something that you’re like, okay, And I’ve, I myself have chosen suffering. Unfortunately, like, many times in my life now that I know, I’m like, wait a second, I don’t have to choose that anymore. Feel the pain. And the pain is okay. Like, the pain is there to teach you something.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. And. And I also say that and agree with you from the place of utmost compassion. Like you, I’ve. I’ve gone through some pretty severe health challenges and a physical health journey that like, flattened me for a long time. And I’ve, I’ve been through physical pain that I, I fought and resisted and was like, this is crazy. Why would I be okay with this being here? I hate this. Like, make it stop. I’m going to die.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: And so I know that, like, reframing your relationship to pain in that way can be so difficult, whether it’s physical or emotional pain.

Wendy Valentine: Mm,

Megan Sherer: But it’s also quite liberating.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. It’s almost like the harder you try to resist it. What’s that saying? Whatever you resist, persists.

Megan Sherer: Persists.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it’s like, it’s true though, if you, you try to fight it too much instead, just, okay, what you’re here. Whatever this pain is, whatever this frustration is, this emotion. All right, like, what do you, what do you got?

Megan Sherer: What do you got? Yeah, the suffering happens when we say, this is not okay. This can’t be happening. That’s how we create our own suffering. Instead of just being like, there’s pain here. Let, me be with it. Let me be in it.

Is it normal to always be triggered in life? Based on my experience

Wendy Valentine: Is it normal to always. I’m gonna say always, like, will you always Be triggered in life. Like, as much therapy you can do and all the, you know, all the. The books and the therapy and everything and all the, you know, but you still get triggered in life.

Megan Sherer: Based on my own research, in my lived experience, the answer is unfortunately, yes.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Right.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. And, I think it’s helpful to answer that question as yes, because a lot of times people go into the healing journey thinking that there’s this end point where I’ve healed it all and I’ll never feel those bad feelings again. And then when you inevitably do feel them, you shame yourself because you’re like, I thought I healed this. What’s wrong with me? Am I going backwards? Am I regressing? Yes.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Megan Sherer: And you create more suffering.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I totally agree. I think it’s. It’s normal to get trapped, triggered. But, you know, like, I feel that the more you work on it, the less you’re. You’re triggered less. And you’re not. You’re not triggered for long, like, exactly. you know, it’s like, oh, that only lasted a few hours, as opposed before, it’d be like, a few weeks or a few months, you know, or it would take down completely where it’s now. You know, if you get triggered with something that you’ve worked on, you’re like, like, cool, I got it. Like, I know I’ll get through it.

Megan Sherer: Exactly. Yeah. The difference is that you have the tools to handle the trigger, and the more evidence you collect, like, the more times you do that and it turns out, all right, your system can relax and soften around it. It doesn’t need to live in the story because it’s like, oh, okay, like, that didn’t last as long this time. That wasn’t as bad as we thought it would be this time. And. And I think you. There are certain triggers that you do completely resolve. Like, if we’re talking about dating and relationships, there are certain relationship patterns that used to trigger the hell out of me that are just, like, not a part of my reality anymore. I’m like, oh, yeah, that’s an old story. And then there are new triggers that come up. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Isn’t that nice, though, too? Like, when you realize, like, later on, like, oh, that normally triggered me, but it didn’t trigger me this time.

Megan Sherer: Yes. Like, celebrate those wins.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. Like, I did it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You know, not that I’m Buddhist or anything, but there’s the story of Siddhartha. You, might know this one where, you know, his. His family. His parents were like, Whatever King and queen or prince and princess, whatever, they lived inside this castle, and they kept. They kept him inside the castle because inside the castle was happiness and joy, and there was no pain, no suffering. And so they never wanted him to go outside the castle walls. And. But Siddhartha, AKA Buddha, was so curious. So he went outside the castle walls one day, and he came across, I believe it was a homeless man that was suffering. And he was just so intrigued by this. These different emotions. And so eventually he ran, you know, ran away from home, ran away from the castle, because he wanted to experience all the holistic part of being a human. And isn’t that interesting, though, like, where sometimes we do, again, try to shy away from those negative, you know, negative emotions where it’s actually, it’s okay. It’s okay to experience that, and you’re never going to just have only joy and only happiness and.

Megan Sherer: Exactly. And it’s. It’s so funny because our. Our human brains and bodies are wired to avoid pain, gravitate towards pleasure for our survival. Like, we want to avoid the things that hurt us or could kill us. That makes sense. But I think if we’re talking about this from a spiritual perspective, I think our souls came to have that full experience, to experience all of it and really get to be in the full spectrum of the contrast of, like, the murky, heavy, dense, not so great feelings, as well as the fun, joyful, expansive, blissful. Yeah. It’s all part of it.

Wendy Valentine: To be in the world, but not of it.

Megan Sherer: M. Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Just to meander through this lifetime and. Okay, take it all in. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad. And. But now I feel like the beauty of at least midlife, I feel, is that you kind of know what to look for. Like, once you. Once you learn a lot of, like, that’s. You know, you have this knowledge and this wisdom. You’re able to avoid, excuse the language, but stepping in, you know, polish it twice. Like.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Now I’m like, I know to avoid that because, studies have shown. Yeah. You know, like, you can avoid some of these things of your past that, you know, did not work out well.

Megan Sherer: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Especially in relationships. Yeah.

Megan Sherer: My dad used to always say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Not that I’m encouraging that we shame ourselves, but.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

When we collect the data and you see, like, all right, that doesn’t turn out great

Megan Sherer: When we collect the data and you see, like, all right, that doesn’t turn out great. Every time I do it. Let me make a different choice this time.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. Or Wendy just says, don’t step in twice. Yeah.

Megan Sherer: I love it.

Wendy Valentine: I know.

So your book, um, choose, choose yourself. So what inspired you to write that book?

So your book, choose, choose yourself. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. Ah, choose yourself.

Wendy Valentine: So what inspired you to write that book?

Megan Sherer: It’s, it’s a lot of everything we’ve been talking about so far and I think kind of the culmination for me of a lot of those relationship lessons I was learning in my 20s. Once I unraveled a lot of the really kind of toxic behavior and got to a place where I was a little bit more clear on like what I wanted from a relationship and, and the kind of healthy relationship I wanted to experience. I was still really dating and pursuing relationships from a perspective of, of just waiting to be chosen. Of like I’m waiting for somebody else to come and tell me that I’m lovable and that I’m good enough and really doing whatever it took to make that happen. So self abandoning, wearing a mask, people pleasing over giving to make sure that this person in front of me would choose me. And time and time again that wouldn’t work out because I kept choosing people who were emotionally unavailable who were never really going to choose me back because we didn’t want the same things. And I was still kind of operating out of those old wounds. And, and it hit me eventually, like, okay, I’m the common denominator here. It’s. It can’t just be that men are emotionally unavailable and they’re the problem. I’m the one who’s in this pattern and I see other people in healthy relationships. So what’s going on here? And, and I really started to see how much of myself I was giving away, just waiting to be chosen. And I wanted to have a real relationship with myself before, I ever entered into a lifelong commitment with somebody else. If that’s like the path I wanted to go down, I wanted to make sure that I knew who I was and, and what I valued and how I enjoyed living my life, what brought me pleasure, not just who I thought another person wanted me to be.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And it’s funny, I think I told you this in a. And we’re emailing that we both have chapters about becoming your own bff.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. It’s so important though. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: and it’s not so corny, but I know. Yes, I know. Even when I was writing my chapter, I’m like, so corny. But so what does that mean to you about becoming your own bff?

Megan Sherer: Yeah. So the way I define it in the, in the book and also in my own life as kind of like a litmus test is, am I treating myself how I would treat my very best friend? Like when I’m struggling with something, am I beating, myself up over it, shaming myself, or am I supporting myself like I would for my best friend? Like, like, hey, I see that you’re going through this hard time and like, I’ve got you, I’m here with you. Am I celebrating my wins and my successes, however small they are? Like I would for my best friend and like, cheering her on for finally ending the situationship or, you know, making change in her life. Like, am I getting curious about who I am? All those parts of me, the parts that I, used to feel shame about, as well as the parts that feel easier to love. So it’s, it’s about those kind of like, little actions day to day of how I’m treating myself. And I kind of cap that all off with learning to really romanticize my relationship with myself. Like my, my smallest example is something I do all the time now. I put on, records on my record player, I light some candles and while I’m cooking dinner, I just dance around my kitch. And it’s the best feeling in the world. Every time I’m doing it, I’m like, this is, this is it. Like I’ve peaked right here. This is, this is what life is about, whether there’s somebody here to share it with me or not. Like, I’m finding so, much joy in this moment rather than just loving yourself, right?

Wendy Valentine: Choosing yourself.

Your book focuses on self care and how to become your best friend

Yeah. I mean, you talk about another, word that’s been thrown around a lot, but self care. To me that is self care. That it is becoming your own best friend and, and then that self talk, right? Like how we talk to ourselves. And you know, for me, that’s what I really needed to pay attention to is how was I, how was I talking to myself? Because I wasn’t saying the nicest things, right? I was like, yeah, I was my greatest critic.

Megan Sherer: And most of that too, like we were talking about earlier on, is just learned from childhood. Like we’re regurgitating what other people have said and think and like what we picked up from the media and who we learned we had to be in order to be accepted. Like it’s not really our authentic voice. So learning to shed those, those critical voices or at least be in relationship with them can really help you feel just more at home within yourself.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. I love that your book is literally jam packed full of tools and techniques which I personally feel like we need more of that nowadays, like, less, less, less fluff and more formula, as I always say. Like, like, yeah, it’s great to talk about. Okay. You know, personal development and you can be happy and you can. But how, like, tell me what exactly. But your book is full of, methods, which I think is awesome.

Megan Sherer: Thank you. Yeah. That was one of my number one goals in writing a book, was I get so many people who ask that question. Like, okay, I’ve talked about it. I’ve identified my patterns. Like, how do I change? And that, that feeling of frustration and feeling stuck. Like, I remember that you can read a book and feel like, yes, this resonates. Like, okay, I’m changing my mindset, but what do I do with it from here? So I wanted to weave in some of the somatic practices that I use with my clients. Journal prompts that can be helpful reflection questions to think about. so, yeah, there’s a lot of that woven throughout the book.

Is it possible to heal without the assistance of a therapist

Wendy Valentine: Is it possible to heal with without. I know you’re a therapist, but is it possible to heal without the assistance of a therapist?

Megan Sherer: I really love that question. And the answer is nuanced. because there’s, I believe there’s no one size fits all healing approach or healing journey. That’s why I have studied so many tools and modalities. So I have got this big toolbox because it’s never going to be the same for every person. And I work with both individuals and groups. And one thing I will say for sure, when we’re talking about attachment, wounds, relational wounds and ruptures in particular, those types of traumas, those types of wounds happen in relationship and they heal in relationship.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Yeah, I’m, all, yes, yeah.

Megan Sherer: And that I think sometimes, like, people hear that and then go, okay, that gives me an excuse to like, stay with the person who is, like, causing the wound because they’ll, they’ll be the one I heal with. And I’m like, no, no, no, no, no. Healing in relationship means healing in relationship with somebody who’s a safe space, a safe nervous system, and the realm of, of polyvagal theory, which is kind of like the study of how our nervous systems interact with one another. there’s this term called co regulation, which is essentially that we, we can regulate our nervous systems and our bodies in the presence of a safe and healthy, person and their nervous system. And we learn co regulation before we learn self regulation and self soothing. When you’re a baby in your mom’s womb, your nervous system is an imprint of hers, basically, and then when you’re born, babies don’t have the capacity to self soothe. Like especially initially, there’s kind of like the could get into a whole conversation about like letting babies cry it out and that’s them self soothing. But the reality is babies need to learn the feeling of a safe and soothing grounding presence from their care caregivers, from their mother, from the parents who are around them. And that need for connection doesn’t ever go away. As humans, we are social beings. So.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Megan Sherer: To go back to your question, like there are some things that are just going to be best supported in the container of somebody holding safe space for you to heal. that could be a therapist, that could be joining a group, a therapy group or counseling group, something like that. It could be having a really great best friend who is down to talk through some of these things with you and give you a hug when you need it. and then there’s certain things that are going to be a journey of self discovery and teaching yourself how to self regulate and self soothe. So it’s sort of a yes. And, and, and I think that anybody who has a history of trauma, deserves to give themselves the gift of working with a healing practitioner who feels safe. And that might take a few tries to find the person who’s the right fit for you. Like just like dating, like it might not be the first person you meet, but that therapy, therapy client relationship can be so life changing when you do find the right fit. I know it’s like yeah, complicated answer.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I feel like once you do find that that right one, it can be just, it’s almost like it just goes into fast forward because it could heals. I, I mean I can only speak for me, but I healed so much faster because I finally found someone that was like, ah, they get it. They knew exactly the therapy to apply. And I was like, oh, like such a relief. But yeah, and I agree, you have to, you know, it’s not one size fits all. You have to figure out what works for you. I mean some people journaling is great. Meditation, yoga, reading. And some people are great like doing an online course and they can go about it that way or being in a group. Some people don’t like groups. Some people like one on one. You know, some people.

Megan Sherer: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: I mean I think I tried everything.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: You know, like. Yeah, yeah.

Megan Sherer: Unlike you, it’s like it was a.

Wendy Valentine: Culmination of all of it or if it was just one. I mean I even did ketamine at the Very end there, you know, of my discovery journey. But, it was all worth it. And I think I got something out of each one. Like, I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? You just become happier with each one or you discover something more about yourself. Right. And I think even, like, with your book, I, love. It’s not just for, you know, being single or in your. If you’re married, thinking about not being married, whatever. It’s, like, for everyone. Because you should always choose yourself.

Megan Sherer: Yeah, exactly.

The book is geared towards single women who are wanting to embrace relationship with self

I. I kind of, like, share that caveat, in the beginning of the book, and I’m so happy to talk about it here, that, obviously, like, the branding and marketing of it is geared towards single women who are wanting to kind of embrace this relationship with self. But the reality is, whether you’re single or partnered, whether you’re a woman or not, whether, like, no matter where you are, if you haven’t yet established a solid relationship with yourself, there’s never a bad time to do that. And, the tools in this book are definitely for. For everyone. So if you’re not a single woman, doesn’t mean you can’t read it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I’m glad that you brought up, too, about being in a relationship. That’s where you. That’s where the healing really takes place.

Megan Sherer: Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mean, because if you’re not gonna, like, wouldn’t be so great. We’ll just all sit in a cave and not, you know, it’d be like.

Megan Sherer: Like, not be triggered.

Wendy Valentine: Like, yeah, you’re not triggered. Everything’s wonderful. And. But when you’re in a relationship and you are getting triggered, then you can, like. All right, let me try this new technique out that Megan taught me. M.

Megan Sherer: That’s exactly right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: It’s like your own guinea pig. Really.

Megan Sherer: Yes. And approaching it like that. Like that. It’s sort of an experiment, and I don’t have to get it right every time. Sort of takes off the pressure and. And lets you learn because the person that you’re in relationship with is also a human being who has to learn too. So as long as you’ve chosen someone who’s, like, fully in that with you and is. And is committed to doing their own inner work and to showing up to work on the relationship, like, think you’ll. That’s. That’s the secret formula. Just finding somebody who’s. Who’s in it too. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And, you know, I’d say, too. It’s not about becoming, like, this perfect human being at the end of all of it. I mean, I don’t feel like as, as a human being, you’re never, like the work is never done. You’re, you’re here and you continue on until, you know, the day you go. But it’s not about, you know, like we said earlier, it’s not about not feeling these emotions, these. Or not being triggered. It’s just learning to manage and, and learning to, to be in a relationship but not of it. Right.

Megan Sherer: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: To be able to just to enjoy life and not. And not get hung up on it.

Megan Sherer: Yes. One of the things I always say is that so much of the self help world is about like become the best version of yourself. And for me I’m like, that’s like a lot of pressure that, that feeds into like perfectionistic patterns which I used to live in and like control issues. I am, more of the, the school of thought of like, let’s work on becoming your favorite version of yourself.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: Because your favorite version of yourself gets to make mistakes. Your favorite version of yourself gets to mess up and be like, oh, I did that thing again. I fell back into that pattern. Let me treat myself with kindness and compassion and try it differently the next time and see how that goes. Your favorite version of yourself is just committed to living in alignment with your core values. Not like being a robot like you said. It’s not being this perfect person who’s never triggered. It’s just being in relationship with what matters most to you.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. It’s so nice to, Would you relieve yourself of all of that baggage too?

Megan Sherer: Yeah. What a weight lifted. Yeah. We don’t need to carry that.

Wendy Valentine: No. God, it’s exhausting.

Megan Sherer: Yeah, it’s, it’s exhausting emotionally, physically, you know. Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: To my 50s, I was like, yeah, no wonder my back hurts.

Megan Sherer: unload some of this, all this.

Wendy Valentine: Crap around, like realizing that you can put it down.

Wendy Valentine: Right. Like you don’t have to like you’re. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care or you like there’s, you don’t have to carry it around. It’s not necessary.

Megan Sherer: Yeah. To just be like, oh, this isn’t mine. I’ve been carrying this for decades and this isn’t mine.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I think I, you know, I had read that somewhere. Maybe my therapist said that and I can remember thinking that like, oh, I mean, I was carrying other people’s baggage.

Megan Sherer: Exactly. Oh God, women are so good at.

Wendy Valentine: That, you know, I know that’s what.

Megan Sherer: We’Re supposed to do for you.

Wendy Valentine: I don’t want you even like my kids.

Megan Sherer: I don’t want you to be in pain.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Megan Sherer: Ah, yeah.

Wendy: When you let go of fear, you’re lighter

Wendy Valentine: I mean, I think as women especially, I mean people pleasing, the codependency, the perfectionism, the whatever, all of those. Like that brings a lot of that and it’s, it’s hard to to shed that. But God, it’s great when you do.

Megan Sherer: It is because you realize too, not only are you lighter, but when you give other people the space to feel their own pain. Like when you let go of your fear of them suffering, because that’s what it is. Like I’m afraid to let you suffer and be in pain because that’s uncomfortable for me. You realize, like, oh, they then get the gift of working through it, of going on their journey and their path, and they get to transform it. It doesn’t work if I transform it for them. Let me give them space to do their work.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. Ah, good stuff, Good stuff, wise one.

Megan Sherer: Thanks, Wendy. Right back at you.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you so much.

Megan Sharer’s book comes out May 6th

Okay, so your book, it comes out. What is it?

Megan Sherer: It comes out May 6th. May 6th is pub date. So right now it’s available for pre order. Like as, as people are listening to this, they can order it. I’ve got some pre order bonuses. They’ll get access to some guided meditations and a live workshop with me and and a workbook with that as well. If you order before pub date, it’s.

Wendy Valentine: All about the bonuses. I know how that is.

Megan Sherer: I love a good bonus.

Wendy Valentine: I know. I was like, wait, just writing the book isn’t enough.

Megan Sherer: I got to do, you know, I’ve got to create other things too. I love it though. I’m like. Because when I’m reading a book, I’m like, oh yeah, give me the workshop. Give me like, I want to learn from you.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, I know, I know, it’s great. Like nowadays, right? Like you go to buy a book, you’re like, oh, I get all this other stuff too.

Megan Sherer: Yeah, it’s so fun. Like a goodie bag. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Okay, so where can we find you?

Megan Sherer: So, you can find me on Instagram. it’s my full name, Megan Sharer. And that’s my website as well, Megan sharer.com. i have a substack called With Love, where every week I share an essay and kind of just, just I answer questions from my community and lessons of the week. So if you’re a reader, that could be a great place to check out my newsletter as well. And I’ll also be in person doing a bit of a book tour. So I’m coming to eight cities throughout the U.S. i’ve got a retreat in Ireland this summer. I do a couple retreats a year, so lots of places to come. Come meet with, meet me and hang out.

Wendy Valentine: Doing that this summer. Ooh, maybe.

Megan Sherer: Yeah, you should come. It’s July 13th to the 18th Women’s Retreat. It’s like, like the most beautiful place you’ve ever been in your life. It’s on the cliffs of Moore, so you got to, like, hike and not.

Wendy Valentine: Been to Ireland yet. That would be so cool.

Megan Sherer: I’ll send you the details.

Wendy Valentine: I’ll be back in Portugal this summer, so. I know. I want to start teaching retreats here, too.

Megan Sherer: Oh, you should. It’s so fun to drop in with women in person, like, talking about healing and community. The healing that I see happen on retreats, just from women feeling like, oh, I’m not alone. I feel seen. I’m, like, laughing with other women. You come back like a whole new person. I love it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. well, yeah, I just might join you.

Megan Sherer: You should. I would love to.

Wendy Valentine: You my lucky charm? Sorry.

Megan Sherer: No, I mean, I am Irish. My mom was born and raised there, so I’ll take it.

Wendy Valentine: So funny. Thank you so much, Megan.

Megan Sherer: Thank you so much for having me, Wendy. I really, really love this conversation.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you.