This episode focuses on self parenting and how to care for yourself and relationships

Monica Berg: Foreign.

Wendy Valentine: Welcome back to the Midlife Makeover Show. I’m your host, Wendy Valentine. Where we ditch the midlife crisis and embrace midlife awakening.

Monica Berg: Ah.

Wendy Valentine: Today we have an incredible guest who’s about to help us rethink the way we show up for ourselves and our relationships. Monica Berg is a powerhouse of wisdom, a researcher of human habits, and the author of Rethink Love, Fear is Not an Option, and Gift of Being Different. She’s been called the Marie Kondo of the soul. Love it. Because she helps us declutter our inner world and uncover the joy that’s been hiding beneath the mess. As the co host of the Spiritually Hungry podcast and a globally sought after speaker, Monica is on a mission to help us bring more light, love and strength into our lives. Starting from within. Today we’re diving into a game changing topic. Self parenting. Have you ever stopped to think about how you show up for yourself? Are you nurturing, supportive and loving? Or do you tend to criticize and neglect your own needs? Monica is here to guide us through the process of self parenting, helping us understand the difference between compromise and. And sacrifice. And why learning to care for ourselves is the foundation for thriving relationships. This episode will inspire you to take radical responsibility for your own happiness. So get ready to rethink, refresh, and reignite your midlife journey.

Please welcome Monica to the show. Hello. Your energy is infectious

Please welcome Monica to the show.

Monica Berg: Hello. Hello. I have to say, your energy is infectious. Honestly, like, I love it. I. I need a little meme of you and like, just open it. And your smiley face. It’s so great. It’s so great. Thank you for having me.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I appreciate that. I think, that’s the word that is used to describe me the most is energy.

Monica Berg: Yeah, I love it.

Wendy Valentine: But it’s a choice, right?

Monica Berg: Like, I’m like, totally.

Wendy Valentine: There’s days I feel like it, but I do. I’m, as we were saying earlier, spiritually hungry.

What inspired you to become an author and a speaker about personal development

So I’m curious with you, what inspired you to become an author and a speaker and more specifically, the niche of personal development?

Monica Berg: I think that, we all come into the world with a knowing, we’re just not aware of it. And I was fortunate to hear my voice early on in Life. I was 17 and I found the wisdom of Kabbalah and it transformed my life. It was the first time, you know, we all have questions when we come into this world. You know, why do good things happen to bad people? Why do bad things happen to good people? I said the same thing twice, but you know what I mean? why? you know, it Was so important.

Wendy Valentine: You had to say it?

Monica Berg: I say it two different ways. why is there pain and suffering? What is our purpose in this world? Is there such a thing as reincarnation? And there weren’t a lot of adults around me, m. Who could answer any of those questions. And so when I found this wisdom, it literally answered any question I had and had for the rest of my life. Like, new questions that came up too. So it put me on this path of self discovery and finding, my purpose. And then from that, it kind of became, just everything. I wanted to help people remove pain from their own lives and suffering from their own lives. I wanted to help people find their own purpose. So I never intended to be an author. I was terrified of public speaking. I, sat behind a desk. Even though I was pushing spirituality, trying to awaken people, it was really from behind the scenes kind of role. And then I, you know, as my voice got louder inside of myself, as I started to recognize it and started to feel like there might be a powerful spark within me, I started to ignite it. And then I pushed myself to do things that were really, really uncomfortable, to public speak now. I love it. The bigger the crowd, the better. and, and really writing, you know, I never studied, to be a writer. I never focused on that. But I think when you have something to say and you believe in what you want to say, then you are compelled to find ways to do it. So it’s not even like, do they like me? Will this be popular? What will people think of me? There’s no they in the equation. It’s really like soul expression of self and of purpose. So that’s kind of how it all started, really.

Wendy Valentine: I love how you said that. Soul expression. Because I think, like, I don’t know, for me, when I look back years ago, when I finally really stepped out into the world as Wendy, it was really stepping out of the way my soul lead. You know what I mean? Like, and, we never really think of it that way. That way. I think sometimes we go about it like the backwards. And it’s like if we just get out of our own way and let our soul lead, then everything just flows so much easier.

Monica Berg: Yeah, I think often people, and I hear this all the time. In fact, we just did a retreat, spiritually, hungry retreat a week ago. And it was the, theme was, your purpose is purposeful. Right. And people often think that they need to find their purpose and then they’ll be purposeful. It doesn’t work like that. You have to believe that you have a purpose. You don’t even need to know what it is, but you need to start putting energy in what lights you up, what excites you. You know, I often give that example of you Remember the children’s, game? I played it as a child. You walk into a room where your friends have hidden something and you have to kind of walk around and if you get closer to the object that’s hidd and they say, oh, you’re getting warmer. If you get further away, you’re getting colder. I think that that’s how we have to navigate our lives. You know, as we go and we do things and we learn different things or we explore, we experiment, we know what feels warm, right? And often we say, no, no, I can’t give energy there now because this other thing’s expected of me. Or, I can’t do that thing that makes me feel warm because what will people think, right? So it’s that contrast and that constant, like, battle of external versus internal. And so I think it’s all about internal, right? And then your internal should match your external, but it’s never the other way around. Don’t expect to say, okay, I know what I’m supposed to do. And it comes to you in a light bulb flash. For some it does. And they’re lucky. I feel like I was really lucky to have that, but that’s not the norm, right? And I think it’s not even about luck. It’s kind of like, you know, for years, the first part of my life, first 25 years, I really struggled with self worth. I developed an eating disorder when I was 18. I, felt full of shame. I didn’t feel worthy of things. And so I didn’t have a choice to raise up that volume of like, what is it? I really want, you know, where is that kind voice within me? Because that’s not the one I’m hearing. I’m hearing all of the judgment. I’m hearing the need to be perfect. I’m hearing this critical voice, seeing everything through that critical lens. And so I was basically going to die if I didn’t change, right? So I feel blessed in that way because it made me fast forward that process. But I think everybody has to go through that because we all care to some degree or another, right? some. For it’s not a life or death thing. For me it was, but ultimately it kind of is a slow death when you live somebody else’s version of a life.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, gosh, yeah. What Was that moment for you. Do you remember that moment when that light bulb moment, you’re like, I’m done. I’ve got to change my life or I’m going to die. I’ve. I’ve got to get back to my soul’s purpose.

Monica Berg: Yeah, it was really, really an aha moment. The biggest one I’ve ever had.

Anorexia is an illusion where you can’t see what you look like

I call it the gift of sight. one of the things that, we Kabbalah teaches and that I live by is that we live in an illusionary world. There’s the 99% world, and there’s the 1% world. So the 1% actually is what we think we understand. Right? It’s everything we see. It’s our five senses. Taste, smell, touch. It’s the illusion because you can see things and then you see it differently at a different stage of your life. You can see somebody one way and see them differently. Something that tastes good and then you can’t stand it, right? Something felt good and now it makes your skin crawl. So that’s not lasting. The 99% are all the things that we can’t see. It’s why you and I can right now speak with each other. And you’re in Portugal and I’m in New York City. There’s a lot of things that are making that happen. We don’t busy ourselves with really understanding that fully, but that is what’s making this a reality. So that 99% are all the things that really matter, like kindness and empathy and compassion and love. Right. So, so the sight part, and that’s why I really, for me, it was such a profound moment. So with anorexia, part of that is you really can’t see what you look like. And for me, and what most understand today about that disorder is that it’s not, I know I was never overweight. It was never a need to want to be thin. It was the desire to control, which is the biggest illusion of all. Because you cannot control anything. Right. The biggest fear anybody has is the fear of the unknown. Well, everything’s an unknown. The only thing you can do is embrace it any way you choose to. Right. So, I was in a state where when I looked in the mirror, I saw something that was not real. I saw a very, very obese person. And I saw that every day for two years. And I remember I would do this thing in the morning, which was a pinch test, and I would take my thumb and my forefinger and I would pinch my stomach. Now, in my mind, what I saw was like, that much. I was like, squeezing. There was not even, like, skin, right? So for whatever reason, this one morning, I was doing that, and I had, like, my nighty on, my. My, you know, oversized T shirt I slept in. And I pulled it up, and for whatever reason, I saw what I actually look like, and I was terrified. I started screaming. I could not believe that I had done that to myself. I could not believe it. I could not believe it. I finally saw, and I was. I started screaming for my mother, and poor thing, she was sure that my heart was going to give out at any moment. I was just so, so frail and so thin. And I started screaming. I said, what did I do? What have I done? And that was. From that moment on, I knew that I had a problem, right? And I also knew that I would go back to seeing the illusion, but I knew I couldn’t take it seriously. So once I was honest with myself, which, again, a lot of the work that I do is tell people, you don’t actually have to change anything about your life, but you have to be honest with yourself. You can say, I don’t like this, but I’m prepared to do absolutely nothing with it. I’m not going to change a thing. But I don’t like this. Right. Start there. So, every day I was like, okay, I know what I’m seeing is an illusion. I don’t feel good. Right? And I started to, journal like crazy. M. I met with a therapist for a brief period, just till I started to recognize my own voice. And I met with nutritionist. So those two. The therapist, nutritionist, didn’t last very long. They were tools for me to help get tapped into my intuition, my authentic self. And the journaling, really, you know, I still have the journals, and once in a while, I’ll go back and read it. And I’m just. I’m. I. I love that person. Like, I’m. I’m not that person anymore. I feel sad for her and, like, I can’t speak that that was me. It’s. It’s such a different lifetime as a different. A different person. but I have such compassion for her, really.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I do, too. That’s got to be so hard.

Earlier, we talked about energy, and when I started learning about neuroscience

You know, it’s funny that you had said about the 99%, because when you were. Earlier, the very beginning, we talked about energy, and when I started learning about neuroscience and neuroplasticity and the rewiring of the brain. And I was reading this book, and he was talking about how an atom is 99.9999% energy. And it leaves only 0.00001% matter. And why does it matter? It matters because we are more energy than matter.

Monica Berg: We.

Wendy Valentine: And everything is the chair you’re sitting on, our laptops, the glass of water, everything is that 99% that you talked about. But we focus on that tiny 1%. But naturally so. Because as a human being, you know, we were given the sight and so that’s what we focus on. And like, you were like with our senses. But the beauty, the miracles and the magic, all of that is in that 99% of what you cannot see.

Monica Berg: I couldn’t see it better myself. I would take it a step further. Our purpose is to fight the ego desire, which is that 1%, and tap into the 99%. So when it’s hard, when you see the illusion and you can’t even recognize it, at least tell yourself this is an illusion and choose kindness over the ego’s choice. Right? That is really our battle in this lifetime. Which one are you going to choose? Where are you going to put your energy? Because if we are all energy, where are you investing it? And what is lasting and eternal? Which is again, those things like kindness, for instance. You can be a parent, right? What kind of parent you are? It’s different for everybody. We can have our children, can know we love them, we can make sacrifices for them. But will that stay with them when we’re gone? No. It’s going to be those moments where we stopped everything, right? Where we had a conversation that was so powerful and meaningful, painful. It changed the way they saw something and that will stay with them forever. That, that’s how we’re supposed to live life, to invest in those things that, are eternal. And of course, yes, we are physical. So we’re going to enjoy pleasure and we’re going. And we’re meant to, by the way. It’s just how much emphasis and weight do you put on the importance of that?

Wendy Valentine: Right? It’s almost like, there’s that parable, of the, the, the little boy that goes to his grandfather and the grandfather said he has a battle within him.

Monica Berg: I love that one.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, I know. Yeah.

Monica Berg: The two wolves. Yeah, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: So there, like the good wolf, that is peaceful and loving and wonderful and kind. And then there’s the evil wolf that is, you know, ego and dishonesty, etc. And then the little boy asks which. Yeah. Which one wins? It’s the one that you feed. And I’m like, again, you know, I try to remind myself of this. We’re human beings being human. Yes. Like, we’re in these human bodies. Right. But at the same time, you’ve really got to feed that. That spirit. The. The 99%, the invisible.

Monica Berg: And.

Wendy Valentine: And now it, like, really makes even more sense. The spiritually hungry. Right. Like, which one do you feed? You know, the spirit.

Monica Berg: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: We forget to do that. We forget to feed this wonderful spirit that is carrying us through this lifetime.

Monica Berg: Yeah. What are you chasing? You know, I mean, we. When we started, before we started filming, we were talking about how everything’s a choice. Right. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Living life is the way, you know, everything is a choice. We’re so lucky that we have free will and that we have the ability to choose so many things. The, the real emphasis, though, and that’s why I love what I do, is just to remind people of what, what we should be investing in. Right?

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Three emotions that keep us stuck in our lives are shame, blame and guilt

How did you end up getting control or managing, the wolves? The. The conversation, the chatter in your mind that was basically controlling your beliefs, your values, your actions, behaviors, et cetera.

Monica Berg: So, I didn’t see that it was controlling my actions. I saw it that there was a veil of. Of an illusion over me. It’s kind of like if you have a light bulb, right, it shines bright, but if you put a sheet over it, it’s going to be a little bit more dim. And then another one and another one. Before you know it, it has all these coverings and shells. You can’t see the bright light. So what I realized is that I had gotten to a point where my belief systems were very flawed. They were very limiting, and they were just downright wrong. Right? So that the belief systems were, you’re not good enough. You’re not lovable. you’re not perfect enough. So I started to challenge those thoughts. Well, what is perfect? What is perfect? We’re not meant to be perfect. It’s a dead end and it’s impossible. Right? So I started to challenge those thoughts that were not supporting me. Those thoughts that were making me not feel well. And first I had to hear them. So once I would hear them, I’d say, wait a second, that’s not kind. Right? and it’s also not true. So, I started to decipher between what was false and then also what I really desired. You know, what did I want from life? I wanted to be loved. I realized if I want to be loved, I have to learn to love myself. and I was just honest you know, if I felt shame or I felt guilt, I would write it and I would look at it and I’d say, okay, well, why am I feeling that? And the truth is, you know, those three feelings, blame, shame, and guilt are. You know, we have many emotions we’re meant to have positive and negative, right? The negative ones are meant to wake us up and say, what you’re doing is not what you should be doing, right? It’s if you’re finding yourself sad or not motivated most days, maybe you should change your routine if you are judging yourself, right? Well, maybe it’s time to stop. If you have anxiety, maybe your body and your soul are out of alignment and you’re not doing actions that are worthy of who you want to be, right? So. But shame, blame, and guilt have no place in our lives. Those are three emotions that keep us stuck. They keep us small. They keep us from not changing at all. So I started to really chip away at that. And when I started to feel shame or blame or guilt, I’d say, okay, why do I feel this way? I have options. If I don’t like something I did, I can do it differently, right? So blame is something happened and it’s their fault. Guilt is something happened and it’s my fault. Shame is something happened and I am now bad because of it, right? Something bad happened and I am bad. So my shame was off the charts high. Like, everything was just in that kind of, frame for me. So I. I slowly started to challenge that until I never feel those emotions anymore. Ever, ever, ever don’t exist. Because, you know, when you recognize something and you can see that you could do it better, so you get another opportunity tomorrow. You know, it might not be exact exactly.

Wendy Valentine: I mean, I think, yeah, it’s the awareness of it. It’s okay if you do have those emotions, but knowing you’re like, wait a second, I’m feeling this shame or I’m feeling this guilt. It’s. And then to question it. You know, where is this coming from? What you know? And then to change that into, it’s okay to have.

Monica Berg: It’s okay to have the emotions for a short period of time. Honestly, we don’t need them. Because let me tell you something. If you made a mistake, right? Well, guess what? You can either correct it, go to the person, say, I’m sorry, or if you can’t do that, then you can say, okay, next time this happens. I, you know, I. I saw a homeless person, I didn’t help them, and I just. I feel so bad about they feel so guilty. I have so much fortune. Whatever. So tomorrow, the next day, or even go to a homeless shelter. Right. My point is, with those three feelings, you can actually do something about it. It’s there to say, okay, I’m not comfortable with the choice I made. So then choose differently. But to beat yourself up about a choice you made when you didn’t know better. Right, right. And now you’ve recognized it. So then, now you can do better. I. I just. I. I don’t think they should exist.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I agree.

You were talking about purpose, and, uh, even for myself, I used to

You know, I want to go back to. You were talking about purpose, and, even for myself, I used to think purpose was a vocation. It’s a career. It’s something that you do. It can be, but not always. And I love what you said earlier about, like, your purpose is. I mean, you’re just here. You. You are here in this lifetime. That is its. You know what I mean? Like, we’re not supposed to fit in a certain box with the label. Like, this is your purpose now you can go on. You know, it’s like. And I think it evolves. I don’t know about you. Like, especially in my fort. You know, in my 40s, I started to kind of really rethink a lot of that, and now I’m in my 50s. And you look great. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Good filters on Zoom. But, you know, you really start to think of just like you were saying, like, what do you enjoy? What do you love? And. And you go after that. I mean, I kind of think of, like, life as a buffet. Right? Like, you go up, you sample what you like. Oh, I like that. I’ll go back for more. You don’t like it, then you don’t go back for it again. Right. But in. And we change. We should change. We should evolve. Like, what you liked in your 50s may not be the same of, what you liked in your 20s.

Monica Berg: I love this idea and this conversation. I can say a lot about purpose. I think that, I think that if you discover your purpose, which means it’s something that you really feel you were meant to do, you enjoy it. You find meaning from it. Right? Meaning is a really powerful world word. It’s not something that you’re just good at, but you find it to be meaningful for you, and you’re seeing the effect in the world. That’s purpose. Now, as you get older, that will deepen, right? You’ll find different ways to do it. You’ll have. Your consciousness will expand and you’ll Say, oh, I did it like this. Now I want to do it like that. Right? So you’ll go more in that. Now let’s say you haven’t found your purpose. Well, it’s going to be harder, right? That means you’re going to have to make a choice that will be uncomfortable, it might even be scary. I’ve done this. This is secure, but I’m not feeling this is what I’m supposed to do. So make that change as hard. But it’s still necessary and purposeful. In Kabbalah, there’s something called tikkun, which means correction. So everybody comes into this world with a point of correction. A lot of times our purpose really is about that. So, for instance, let’s say that somebody, as I believe in reincarnation. I’m not sure about your listeners or even you, but let’s say that somebody, came into this lifetime to learn how to receive, love, right? Maybe in a past lifetime, for whatever reason, they didn’t do this or that, or they made certain mistakes, they come back and they’re put in a specific situation that’s going to help them experience that. That could be their only purpose in this lifetime. Right? So it’s a very kind of like, wide understanding of, of what that looks like. on our podcast on Spiritually Hungry, we had somebody named Laura Lynn Jackson. And again, I don’t know if your listeners are into this, but I find this really fascinating. She’s a clairvoyant, but she’s also like a, a medium. Like, she has all the Claire’s. There’s like seven of them. You know, she can hear, she can see, she can intuit, like, I mean, everything. And she’s written two books that are really kind of, I think, very interesting. but she talked about a lot of her work was being able to see, children who had passed on. These souls would come to her, which is really, really hard. Okay. Like children, obviously they die, I mean, before their time. And it’s incredibly painful for the parents. So these souls would come to her to give messages to the parents because they could see their parents suffering. I know.

Wendy Valentine: she’s so hard and she goes.

Monica Berg: Into great detail, which is a whole longer story. I won’t go into all the things, but this one story really kind of stayed with me. And it was about this child who died when they were six, but he was already preparing the parents from when he was 4 and 5m. And he would talk about death and he would talk about when he was going to die. And of course, that terrified them. Like, what are you talking about? You know, you’re healthy. It’s like, no, but it’s okay. I’m just curious about this. What happens? And then he died.

I think there are ways we can help the homeless, right

And they just couldn’t. They just could not get past the pain. and he would leave them signs in ways of things that would be reminders, like rainbows. But they were looking for very specific signs. And there were other ways. Like, it wasn’t a rainbow in the sky, but it was a rainbow that he drew on a picture, right? Like, just different things. But the point is, his message to them when he came back through her is that he only came back in this lifetime to receive unconditional love. That was it.

Wendy Valentine: He didn’t come for any other purpose.

Monica Berg: Because in his prior lifetime, he didn’t have that. And he said, I. You both love me more than I could ever hope to be loved. Like, that was all I was supposed to receive. And you did it so perfectly and exceptionally. I wasn’t supposed to be here anymore, you know, So I think that there are. It’s an extreme example. And again, maybe some don’t believe in that, but for me, it represents purpose. There are so many reasons we’re here, right? So we will find our purpose. But I think if we’re looking to be purposeful, right, in any capacity, which, again, you could be in a job you don’t love, but you can find ways to be kind, right? You can find ways to give of your heart. I think that leads you into that stuff.

Wendy Valentine: I’ve always thought, too. It’s like. I mean, I know the world is crazy and probably always will be, you know, But I always think, like, taking radical responsibility, just like I said earlier. And we can be good human beings. It’s really not that hard just to be a good human being, but we make it challenging for ourselves, but we can take responsibility and we can do good for ourselves. And no matter what it is. I mean, this is silly, but, the other night I was. You know, I’m here in Madera, and I’m right here in the. In the city, and there’s a few homeless people that are over here. And, you know, a lot of them, they’re drunks, and they’re drinking and singing and stuff. And I was coming back from dinner, and. And there’s this guy, he’s just. He’s so nice. He never asked for money or anything. And. And I thought it was Sunday, so I was like, I got to clean up my diet for tomorrow, so I Went pantry and I got, like, bag of chips, all the sorts of stuff I was. Should not be eating. And I went out there and just. And I poured him a glass of wine in a little cup and gave him some chips and some M and Ms. And he was just like, oh, my gosh. He was just like, but it’s so small where I, you know, I could have just sat on the couch and eaten those chips, you know, but instead for him, that was just like, oh, my God, it was the greatest thing ever for him. And he just smiled. He was so grateful. Actually spoke really good English. But I mean, the point is, this is tiny little things that we can all do. And it does make a difference whether it’s, you know, known throughout the world or not on a podcast, or it’s just known to the person down the street. It doesn’t matter.

Monica Berg: And how great do you feel still from doing that action?

Wendy Valentine: Oh, God, I loved it. Yes. I, Love, love, love, love.

Monica Berg: That is soul. Soul lives for that. Ego does not. Right. So that’s what I’m saying. Do things that are purposeful. It’s just it. And then it. It feeds you to do the next thing, and then you want to do. Then you look for it. Like, I’ve been driving around New York City. It’s been cold, so there haven’t been a lot of people, homeless people on the street. But I have two pairs of sneakers that are, like, not great for workout, but they’re perfectly fine. And I have, like, protein bars. And I can’t find anybody because it’s been too cold. I’m like, I don’t want to le of the road because they’ll just throw it out, you know? but yeah, it’s. It’s just. It’s that. It’s those kinds of things.

Wendy Valentine: It’s interesting, though, too. It’s like as you feed someone else’s soul, it feeds your own. And it goes into that 99%. Right. Like, it’s. We’re all in this big soup of energy feeding each other. It’s this beautiful thing that if you tap into it, it’s just.

Monica Berg: One of the tenants of Kabbalah is, Sharing is the most selfish thing you can do because it, it, it is. Yeah. It’s great for your soul and it makes you feel good. I mean, that’s the truth.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And sharing, if it’s anything, it’s sharing your voice, sharing your, like, helping any. Any which way. There’s so many ways that you can share. And I mean, for me, even Doing this podcast and I’m sure for you, like in your writing, all of that, that’s sharing your love and sharing your knowledge, your wisdom and it’s giving back. Absolutely, yeah.

So if you could sum up like in your reincarnation, in this lifetime

So if you could sum up like in your reincarnation, in this lifetime, if you could sum up in a sentence, what was your purpose in coming back in this lifetime? What were you supposed to learn?

Monica Berg: No one’s ever asked me that question before. Actually. I’ve been asked a lot of questions. I don’t know, I guess I’m still in the middle of a process, as we all are, so I can’t fully answer that. I can tell you though, what I have embraced so completely and so against my nature because I think that’s a big part of it, is to go against our nature. I’m a Virgo, so the way I came into the world is like very, you know, seeking perfection. Love a good planner, very organized.

Wendy Valentine: Very.

Monica Berg: hard, on myself, very reliable and accountable, but to a full fault, to the point where like, I’ll suck the life out of me, you know, to be there so I can tell you what I’ve embraced in this lifetime, that’s very against my nature, which is. I call myself a change junkie. I embrace change. I seek change. I think change is freedom. I think it’s liberating. I think perfectionism is a cell, with invisible shackles and and really, you know, gone against my nature to, to speak up and speak out and not quiet my voice anymore and not shame myself. So I can tell you until this point in my life what I’ve done, and what I continue to do. And I know that I think that for the rest of my life it will continue to go to the next level in all those areas because I really came with such, like just, just so hard, hard on myself, really. Just so hard, and so unforgiving. And yeah, it’s a journey. And I, like where I’m at. I’m excited to see where I’ll go next.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I saw that on your website about the change junkie. I was like, oh, I love that I could.

Monica Berg: I was not like that. Not like that at all.

Wendy Valentine: Yep. Yeah, I mean, I was. I mean, for myself, I’m a recovering, codependent, people pleasing perfectionist. Oh my. But it was so exhausting.

Wendy Valentine: And then, yeah, until I finally woke up, I was like, what am I doing all this for? Like everyone’s gonna be doing their own thing anyways.

Monica Berg: What?

Wendy Valentine: Like they don’t seem to Be pleased with everything. I’m jumping through all these hoops. Like, what am I doing? Yeah.

Monica Berg: I’m not even recognizing it. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. It’s so liberating to just break free from all that and just be. Just be who you are. And. And I’m like, I love change. Love change. Like, I mean, to me, it’s like, you know, a comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. And so I’m always like, get. Like, I want to grow, like, more. Like it. It’s, it is, you know, spiritually hungry. Like, it’s. Once you experience some of that change, you just want more and more and more. It’s like, wow.

Monica Berg: Even.

Wendy Valentine: Even if it’s like, horrible stuff you have to go through in life. And I’ve been through some crappy things in life, but, oh, my gosh, have I changed so much as a result of all of that darkness? Like, to me, that lightness is in the dark. Like, you have to go in there and grab that light and it stays.

Monica Berg: With you a thousand percent. I think. I think really, spirituality, I mean, if you’re really living it, is an ejection seat from the comfort zone. like you said, nothing. Nothing good happens there, really. Because then it’s like you’ve kind of gone through life and you’ve accumulated a lot of things. And I’m sure there’s success and I’m sure there’s highs. There’s also lows. But the problem with the comfort zone is that you’re so afraid that all these things that you’ve accumulated and attained are going to be taken from you, but they’re not even filling you anymore. That’s just not how life’s meant to be lived. Really.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Steve Jobs talks about self love and self care

Let’s talk about the self parenting. And it’s kind of a term that’s being thrown around now, like the self love and self care. But what is self parenting to you?

Monica Berg: So I came to this, a few years ago, actually. I have four children. And, it was a really hard day. It was cold, New York City, winter. I don’t know, I just remember. And I was exhausted and I had the thought that, like, I just. I wish my mom was here. She lives in California. And then I realized the truth is, I didn’t really, like, if she was there, she wouldn’t have made me feel better. Like, I love her, God bless her. But the truth was, like, I didn’t really want my mother. I wanted to. I wanted to be parented. Like, I wanted someone to come and Hug me and say, you know, you need a break or come have a cup of tea, or, you know, just go for a walk or, you know, let me help you. Just, everybody should just take a break. And I thought, whoa, wait a second. I need to be that voice for myself, right? Why am I not parenting myself? Like, if I’m tired, I should. I shouldn’t force myself to work. If, I’m feeling stressed, I can walk away and come back to it. If I need a timeout and do nothing, I should do that. Right? So all the things that, you know, I remember telling my friend at the time, she’s like, oh, my God, that sounds tragic. I was like, why? She’s like, I’m a really strict parent. I was like, okay, this is a different conversation, because that’s not the point. Right. But it actually gives us something to think about, you know? and I started to implement that, and I’m still not great at it, I’ll admit that. because I really do feel like, I mean, we don’t have a finite amount of time, and I want to accomplish certain things, but I understand that self care, self love, self parenting is so necessary. and one of the ways I’ve done that, as I really learned to guard my time, really respect my time, you know, and not just say yes to everybody, sometimes the right thing is to say no. And that’s even the spiritual thing. Right. That was the tricky part. Like, I had to get. I had to navigate that in my own mind.

Wendy Valentine: But, well, and if you think about it too, if we, you know, if you didn’t have the greatest parents, whoever’s out there listening, if you didn’t have the greatest parents.

Monica Berg: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: This is an opportunity to become your own most amazing parent. Like, how. How would you treat yourself? And I think for me, like, I. I do try that self parenting and self love. And if I’m having a bad day, I’ll try to. Instead of giving myself a hard time. Like, when do you need to be like, actually yesterday for some weird. I was just tired. I mean, was. The sun was shining. It’s beautiful. And I was just like, I don’t know. I was tired. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was like, okay. The old Wendy would have been like, oh, my God, you need to, like, get in a good mood. You need to sit there. You need to do this. You go to the gym. And then I would wear myself out anyways. Right now I’m like, it’s okay. You’re having a bad Day, you know, tomorrow’s gonna be better. You’ll be just fine. So I try to speak kind words to myself and. And there’s a gnat that keeps bugging m me, right? It’s like going up in my nose.

Monica Berg: I can’t see it.

Wendy Valentine: You’re watching on YouTube, there’s a bug going in my nose. Okay. Portuguese Nat. It’s bugging me. But yeah, I think it’s really important to pay attention to how you’re speaking to yourself, especially in times of stress and worry.

Monica Berg: And also, you know, think about this, like, what expectations do you have of yourself? Are they fair? Are they realistic? Are you overbooked? Are you, spread too thin? Do you have too many commitments? Right. We do this to our children too. I mean, there’s so many ways, yeah. Again, taking time to just be still. Like, you know, Albert Einstein would sail. That was his way of, of getting. Having amazing understandings and ideas. Steve Jobs liked to doodle, and he came up with all these kinds of things, you know, to create. And by the way, he didn’t believe in wasting time, which is why he wore the same outfit every day. Right? So, like, there’s just so many ways we can just stop. I think, I think the parenting thing is, again, if you’re a conscious parent, you’re looking at your children or your child and you’re anticipating their, expect their needs. you’re looking to see if they’re healthy, if they’re rested enough. are they eating a balanced diet?

Wendy says being abandoned as a child changed her perspective on life

You know, do they feel loved? Do they feel nurtured? Do they feel seen? Do they feel heard? and also they’re changing all the time and you’re recognizing that and you’re looking for the change, right? So what if we did that for ourselves and we were so curious about who we are meant to become? It’s a game changer, really.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mentioned to you earlier about, you know, being this, you know, codependent, people pleasing perfectionist. And through a lot of work, I had figured out where it stemmed from and, and it was from being abandoned as a child. And once I really connected those dots and figured that out and where it led me to throughout my life, I now try my best to take care of that little girl that was abandoned because. And I don’t. And I, I know for me, when things kind of bubble up within me and those old beliefs pop in or those fears pop in, I’m like, oh, okay, it’s probably because of this. And then, it sounds silly, but I’LL sometimes talk to that little Wendy and be like, girl, it’s okay. You can relax. No one’s abandoning you. You know, it’s like these, these program things in our hearts and our. In our, you know, minds and our souls that they’re there. But I. For me, it’s been the awareness of like, okay, it’s there. It might creep up, I might get triggered, but it’s okay. I can manage it now.

Monica Berg: Yeah. It’s interesting because, Well, first, one of the biggest things that I like about this definition of rejection.

Monica Berg: Is that it’s not so much, that what you’re offering isn’t good. It’s just. It’s not for the person that you’re trying to give it to. Right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Monica Berg: So I’m assuming it was your mom. I don’t know why I’m feeling that. But you’re.

Wendy Valentine: You’re very clear, sentient like me.

Monica Berg: Yes. so that’s really her. Her pain and that, you know, and I’m sure you know, Right. But in Kabbalah, when we talk about tikkun, so you know, you could say, okay, why was I born to this person? You know, why did I have to have that experience? Even though this is on her, there’s. It’s not acceptable, it’s not justifiable. it is not even forgivable. Right, that. But that’s on her. But then I would ask myself the question, so why did I have this experience? Right. And I think it’s for you to get to this place of I am more than enough. And.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Monica Berg: and I’m supposed to give myself all those things that a mother should give a child. Right?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Monica Berg: For whatever reason, that’s your process in this life. And we won’t get all the answers and we won’t have them. We’re not meant to have them. But certainly to get to a place where you understand you are completely whole and lovable. And this has nothing to do with. With you really, quite honestly, other than the experience that you need to have in this lifetime for whatever reason.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I think too, you know, for me it was learning that I was abandoning myself eventually. After all that. And then now I teach for women to not abandon themselves. Right.

Monica Berg: Very powerful. I love that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Yeah. It only took me 50 years to get this. I’m like, wow.

Monica Berg: Well, that’s when we get wise.

Wendy Valentine: I know, right? So, Oh, that’s.

What is the difference between compromise and sacrifice in a relationship

And I’m going to look at my notes here because there was something. Oh. what the difference between compromise and sacrifice. Because I too, I think with women especially, we. We’re. I mean, we’re givers, we’re lovers. We, we want to, you know, unfortunately, sometimes we’ll. We’ll put the mask on, the oxygen mask on others before we put it on ourselves, because that’s what we should do. We take care of others. So how, how do you, you know, between the two? Compromise and sacrifice. And, and to not feel like if we say no to something that we don’t feel bad or guilt or shame.

Monica Berg: Well, if, again, we need to say no. Because if not, we’re never going to say yes to ourselves sometimes, right? And sometimes it’s choice between our needs and somebody else’s. so I help a lot of couples. my husband and I have officiated over 500 weddings and counting. Legit. so compromise is when two people obviously have different, perspectives, point of views, desires even. and it’s coming to a place where you have an agreement, right? Usually one is happier than the other, but you come to some place where you’re comfortable enough, and I’ll unpack that in a second. And sacrifice is when you give up something that you deeply value for somebody else. And when we sacrifice, we always give up more than we intended. So the rule of compromise is, if, for instance, let’s say, between a part two people in a relationship, one it matters more to them for various reasons versus the other, right? If it’s less important to you, it’s just uncomfortable, or your ego doesn’t want to do it, but it really matters to your partner, that’s when you should step up and compromise. And there’ll be other times where they have to do that. Right? And I think if we’re being honest, we can all get to that place. Sacrifice. I call it the now and later test. So let’s say, for instance, you’re being asked to give something up in the name of a compromise, right? So you say, okay, how will I feel about that decision in one month and five years? In 10 years, or even one year. Five years, 10 years. If in 10 years you will have deep regrets about having given that, up, then you know, it’s a sacrifice and not a compromise. Even in five years? Probably even in one year, right? So it’s kind of like, those are. Those become really, really clear. Like, no, I’ll never be okay with that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, I can relate to that. Have you, have you ever. Do you like, looking back, have you made sacrifices instead of compromise?

Monica Berg: Not in my marriage, no.

Wendy Valentine: That’s good.

Monica Berg: We’ve been married, it’ll be 28 years, in August. And we are a very emotionally intelligent couple. But also the other secret for a successful relationship is spirituality. If not the ego wins. Right? You pit each other against each other, you stop being friends, you lose appreciation. And when appreciation is lost, the relationship’s lost. So I think the success is really in the spirituality of it. Of course we have fun together. We deeply love each other. But love’s not enough because when you love somebody and you don’t appreciate them, you can’t access that love. And then you don’t think you love them anymore, only to realize later you did or not if the ego. Still talking. But no, I think in my childhood, I think in my home as a teenager, I think I sacrificed a lot. nothing, nothing that was damaging. because I was young, right. The stakes weren’t as high, but yeah, I sacrificed care ah, for myself, love for myself to make somebody else feel good, you know?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I think it’s one thing too, is we take better care of ourselves. Naturally flows into our relationships. I mean we always like hear that it’s like so cliche. Love yourself first, but truly. Yeah, yourself first. Right.

Monica Berg: And well, I mean love is such an adulterated word really. I ah, don’t think it’s lost its meaning. Which is why my is called Rethink Love. But what I’ve realized lately, I mean, I guess I always knew it, but I had a different understanding of it is that love is. And we. It’s another cliche. Loves the answer. But if you look at all the, the pain in the world, right, and the damage, how people feel damaged or the trauma that people have, it’s because somebody who should have loved them actually hurt them. Right. That’s where it all stems from. So of course. And then you look at those people and you say, okay, well they did that because they don’t love themselves. I mean really, when we have that within, then we, we freely, joyfully, excitedly give it to somebody else. So yeah, yeah, you can’t skip that step really. No matter how old you are.

Wendy Valentine: You’re very wise. I’m glad, I’m glad you were reincarnated into this lifetime with me. Just for me. Just for me and my love.

Monica Berg: Thank you. Well, we need a little bit of each other. You’re, you’re spunky and you just make me smile, which is great.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you. I try to do, it’s funny, like on my Instagram, it’s like, I have a little bit of wisdom, a little bit of wild, a little bit of wacky, but it’s all me, you know?

Monica Berg: I love it.

Yeah. Go for it. I love it. That, uh, much of that woman was hidden for decades, sadly

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Because that. That, much of that woman was hidden for decades, sadly.

Monica Berg: Sure.

Wendy Valentine: So she’s like, what?

Monica Berg: You’re making up for lost time. Go for it.

Wendy Valentine: I know, I know. I love it.

Monica Arberg’s books all have a spiritual message

Ah, so where can we find you and where can we get your books?

Monica Berg: My, books you can get from Amazon. I also have two children’s books that are really great. I co authored with my youngest daughter, the Gift of Being different and the Tale of the Other Glove. It’s about actually homeless people. and they all have a spiritual message, like the power of empathy. your uniqueness is your superpower. my other two books, fears on an option, Rethink Loves, all on Amazon. Check, out our podcast, Spiritually Hungry, and you can follow me at Monica Arberg, 74. and my website’s RethinkLife today.

Wendy Valentine: Love it. Great website, too, by the way. I think you just made some changes on it, because I was like, oh, this looks a little bit different.

Monica Berg: Always, always changing.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, mine too. I’m like, ah, it’s never ending. But we love change.

Monica Berg: Yes, exactly.

Wendy Valentine: All right, thank you so much, Monica.

Monica Berg: It’s been great talking to you, Wendy. Thank you.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you.