Florence Ann shares tips on building your village on Midlife Makeover

Florence Ann Romano: Hey, everyone.

Wendy Valentine: Welcome back to another episode of the Midlife Makeover show. Today we have a delightful guest who’s here to bring some sparkle and wisdom. We always need more of that into our lives. Meet Florence and Romano. A personal growth strategist, author, and businesswoman known as the Windy City Nanny, Florence Ann has over 15 years of experience in childcare and is a leading authority on family and community support. Hailing from, just outside of Chicago. Her and I have so much in common. I used to live right over by where she is. She’s all about showing us the true importance of building her village. Florence Ann will be sharing invaluable insights on the multifaceted nature of loss and the healing journey with the support of our villagers. In her latest book, build your village, a guide to finding joy and community in every stage of life, she identifies six essential villagers. I can’t wait to find out who play crucial roles in supporting our physical, mental, and emotional health. Get ready for an engaging conversation filled with warmth, wisdom, and practical tips on building your very own supported village.

Let’s give a warm welcome to Florence Ann Romano

Let’s give a warm welcome to Florence Ann Romano.

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, my goodness. What a gorgeous introduction from beautiful you. Gorgeous you. Stunning you. we’ve already had so much fun. We haven’t even started the interview, just like, our pre chat. And we do have so much in common. And I just feel like I’m already sitting in your kitchen with you. I’m just, like, you know, sipping on something nice and warm and sweet, and we’re just, like, chatting like girlfriends. So I’m happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

Wendy Valentine: yeah, thank you for being here. And I shared with you that, like, when this came across on my email, and I was like, well, this is interesting. It was a very unique topic, very unique book. Something else. I mean, like, we get the menopause on here, we get the divorce, we get, travel, retirement, all sorts of topics. But this is very unique.

Wendy wrote a book called build your village about supporting others

So tell us a little bit more about the village.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, I wrote my book, build your village, because during COVID I realized that on a global scale, we all knew what it felt like to lose our support systems. And how often, wendy, can you say that on a global scale, we all know what it feels like to go through something like that. So as I started paying attention to that instability of, that losing that support system and hearing what people were saying, one of the best lines came, from, like, a group chat with a bunch of moms, and they said, well, where is this village that people talk about? Is there, like, a phone number to call. Do these people just show up at your front door with a casserole ready to rock, you know, like, be there to help you raise your kids? Like, where is this village people are talking about? And, you know, through, you know, you talked a little bit about my introduction through my, you know, past life, I like to say, when I was in childcare as a nanny, and that kind of was the catalyst to me becoming a personal growth strategist, I realized that no one really did have a roadmap to this village, and I wanted to create that. I felt that we really were doing a disservice to our community by not talking about how do we find our people, but also, most importantly, that proverb, it takes a village to raise a child. Yes, it’s true. Every politician has ever said it. But I also feel that you need to chop that in half because, yeah, it takes a village to raise a child, but what about it just takes a village? Because what if you don’t have kids?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, it’s true. Yeah.

Florence Ann Romano: You know, however you design your life, you deserve to still find your people. You still deserve a community no matter what you were born into. And, so that’s what really started me, writing the book, build your village, and creating those six archetypes of villagers that you identify with.

Wendy Valentine: It’s so genius. I’m, like, going back, and I shared with you, and my audience knows I’m finishing up the rest of my book.

Florence Ann Romano: Ah, I know.

Wendy Valentine: My gosh, it’s a beast, but it’s a prescriptive memoir, so it goes back to where. The point where I was going through a divorce, my brother just died, I was depressed, I had anxiety, panic attacks, chronic illness, you name it. Hot freaking mess, you know? And then. And then it goes through in the story of how I got from there to being out of debt, taking off in an rv, and cruising the country as a happy, happy woman. Right? So, point is, as I go back through my story and I, in my mind, I. I’m thinking of the people, my village.

Wendy Valentine: That I was able to rely on to help me through those tough times.

Florence Ann Romano: Sure, right.

Wendy Valentine: And even gaining new people in my village that I never, never thought that I would have, I was like, cool. and then I think, too, like, even my inspiration behind this podcast was, if you will, to build a village for others, because not all of us will have, like you said, not, everybody’s gonna have someone.

Florence Ann Romano: Absolutely. And, you know, an interesting subject. And by the way, your. Your book, it’s gonna be phenomenal. I mean, you know, for people to be able to hear your story. But also, I always talk about, you know, your mess being your message. And I don’t like to condemn the hard things that have happened in my life. Even as painful as it was or as horrible as that time, or that season, what, you know, kind of manifested itself to be. I don’t know, that I would be able to relate or have the empathy or have the compassion that I hope I could have for people if it wasn’t for going through the tough stuff. And so I do appreciate you sharing all of that, because we live in a world today, especially with social media being what it is, where there’s a lot of filtering, there’s a lot of editing, what, it looks like optically. And, you know, I think it makes people, when they go online, or, you know, just really. Just digitally. We live in such a world and overstimulated world where I think we don’t realize how destructive it can be for our soul, that we’re just kind of being constantly just, kind of violated by so much stimulation. And then we go to sleep at night and wonder why we feel this heaviness or we feel this, or we feel this isolation.

Wendy Mift writes about grief and community in her new book

So I really appreciate you bringing me on to talk about this subject matter, what community looks like, but also, a topic that not everyone, I think, also wants to discuss is all the different ways grief shows up in our lives and how the village comes into play there, too.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. And I feel like when you go through a loss, that’s when you. Well, like they say, it’s when you learn who your friends are. That’s where you learn who, who your villagers are. Right. Because then you know who you can count on. And I don’t know. I I don’t know about you, but I felt like the older that I get, my village has become smaller, but it’s a tight, tight village quality.

Florence Ann Romano: Village quantity.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Florence Ann Romano: Right. then that’s, I think, what it should be, though, because, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Florence Ann Romano: People always talk about how difficult it is, to make friends as an adulthood. And here in the states, we have a loneliness epidemic. We have a friendship recession. We have a mental health crisis. This all contributes, to why people are feeling the way that they are feeling in terms of lack of community, or also feeling, like they don’t know where to begin if they are feeling these feelings and don’t understand maybe why their personal ecosystems are contributing to those feelings.

Wendy Valentine: Yep. Plus, I think, too like, we’re all so busy, and so we probably assume, oh, well, so and so is busy. She probably doesn’t have time to hear me whine about all my problems so that we don’t make that phone call or we don’t try to go sit and have coffee with a friend, because we assume that they’re busy and they don’t want to listen. Right? And plus, I don’t know. I mean, I. After I’ve been through a lot of my losses, I. I’ve become a better friend. I’ve become someone that I want. I want to be in their village. I want to be someone that they count on. Like, oh, I can call Wendy. She’ll listen to me, or she’ll help me out with this. That’s so you. I don’t know. I feel like, just like you said, grief and loss, it can teach you a lot about yourself and about others and what we need from each other.

Florence Ann Romano: But that’s what exactly what I hope people and the readers get from my book is that when you look at these six archetypes, and I go into a lot of detail in the book about what those six are. but when you start holding the mirror up to yourself and you’re like, okay, well, who am I, really, of these six? But not only just that, Wendy, it’s who do I need of these six people in my village? And then how do I show up, as, you know, maybe one or two or three, or maybe all six of these people in other people’s villages? Because this a reciprocal, exercise. This is not me, me, grabby, grabby, grabby. Only pay attention to my needs and wants and desires. that’s not what taking care of each other is about. You know, I don’t pretend to know the meaning of life, but I know for me, if my philosophy is to live a life in service of others, and whatever that version, you know, that comes out in. But I think that that evaluation of, what your current, again, like I had mentioned before, ecosystem looks like of your personal connections, and then also allowing yourself to do the honest, vulnerable work. Because, Wendy, this is also not a very comfortable place for people to go. Not everyone wants to look at what’s missing or what’s not working or friendships that perhaps are failing or ways that you are not showing up as your best self. so I’m asking people to, be vulnerable with me, and I’m asking people to do something, that is going to hopefully be transformative. But before it can be that, it has to be sobering.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. No, I totally agree. And I find that, especially when we get in our forties and fifties, that there’s, it’s time for a little decluttering.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: A little clean up with our relationships and our friendships and what is working, what is not working. And that it is right of like really getting your village. How, how you want that for you, because that, that village can last you for the rest of your life.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, it’s customized, you know, and everyone, everyone can have a customized village. But I think my biggest message to anyone, you know, out there, struggling with this is no matter what you’re born into, you are still worthy of finding your people. I was very lucky. I grew up in an old school italian family. My cousins were my first best friends. My grandparents lived with us growing up. So I had that quintessential village. You know, you read back, you know, and, you know, all this literature and they talked about, you know, living in these villages together and everyone helping raise their kids. Yes. Ah, that was very much my life. But as I grew up, I realized that not everybody had what I had in that way. And if they didn’t, then did they feel that they just, again, weren’t worthy of it or because they weren’t born into it, that there was no way to attain that, that they didn’t have the power within them to create that, that again, that worthiness factor.

Wendy says people need to find their village or does their village find them

so that’s really what I hope people understand, is that there comes a point where you can decide, I want it to look different, I want it to be different, I want it to feel different. What I was born into is toxic or destructive or abusive, whatever it might be. And I’m going to go off and make some changes to break that cycle or really nourish my, myself the right way, or, you know, understand that, there are lessons to be learned and I can still grow and evolve, and I don’t have to be a product of what, I had no control over. I always say, take control in your life where there’s always a place to take control in your life. When you feel out of control, there is something you can do that and harness that. And I hope people find that in their village building that, that is a place that they can take control.

Wendy Valentine: Do you find that? You have to. Do people have to. If this makes sense, do they have to find their village or does their village find them? Or both?

Florence Ann Romano: I think it’s, it can be both. but I think the, it feels like a heavy lift for people. Wendy, oftentimes when, you. You sit down and think about, okay, well, I want to make new friends, or this isn’t working, or I’m feeling lonely, or I’m feeling disconnected, and I don’t know where to start. I always say that, you know, we’re going to look at the low hanging fruit first. As you start casting this village like a, like a movie or a play, these are your main characters. You’re going to look at what already exists. But here’s the problem. Sometimes people run into. When they start looking at what or who is already there, they may see that it’s not working, and it may not be because these are not good people for you and your life. It may be that you have the right people sitting in the wrong seats. And m you recast that village, maybe, and I’ll give you a couple of examples. We’re going to concentrate on the healer villager today, but the accepting villager is. Is one of the first people you’ll cast, one of the people I talk about in my book, this is the person you confide in, you tell your deepest, darkest secrets to. This is an important piece of the puzzle. But let’s say you’ve cast someone in that role, Wendy, and they’ve betrayed you in some way. Maybe they’ve gone behind your back and talked about you to someone else in your friend circle, and you’re like, you know what? Kind of don’t love that. That doesn’t feel great. That wasn’t information for them to share. But they’re a very dependable person because in moments of crisis, they’re always there to start the meal, train for your community, or they’re there to pick your kids up from school when you’re running behind or you’re sick, whatever it might be. So you’re now going to say, you know what? I’m taking that gala, taking her out of the accepting villager role and putting her into dependable. And now you’ve set that person up for success, and now you have a boundary, and now you know the expectation. So I’m asking people to do a very deep dive here in their relationships and asking themselves what is and what is not working. And then once you do that and you see where the gaps are, you see where the holes are, that’s where you can start.

Wendy says you need six people to create a fulfilling community

Now, casting new people.

Wendy Valentine: Can you give us an idea of the other, acceptance. Except.

Florence Ann Romano: Wait. Yeah, the other villagers. Sure.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Florence Ann Romano: Accepting, dependable, cheerleader, communicator, organizer, and healer.

Wendy Valentine: Interesting.

Florence Ann Romano: And I always love running through it because, people will all of a sudden and automatically start casting. I know, friends, right? They’re doing it. Wendy, you’re using context clues. Now, I go into what my definition of those six are, but certainly there is going to be just, again, you know, some. Some general understanding of probably what those. Who those people are based on the words that I’m using to describe them. But, you also have to know who you are in order.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, I was just thinking that, too. Exactly. And, like, what your needs are. Right. Because you could be lacking, you could have maybe five cheerleaders on your squad there, but you don’t have anyone. You don’t have the healer or. Right, like.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah, like, wait a second, you don’t have to.

Wendy Valentine: When the time comes, you. Sometimes you need more than just a cheer.

Florence Ann Romano: Absolutely. Again, moments of crisis. You know, there are reasons, you know, people come in, that are not going to be consistent or permanent fixtures in your life. but it’s also the idea of you may not need all six of those right now. And I think people get nervous about thinking, oh, gosh, I don’t have all six. You know, I have ten of, you know, the cheerleader. I have five of the dependable, you know, I have all these different people, but, gosh, I don’t have the organizer. But maybe you don’t need them right now and maybe there will come a time in the future where you’ll need that person and they’ll come in for a temporary amount of time because of the circumstances or season of your life. But I’m not telling people to run out there and say, if I don’t have all six of these people, then I don’t have a fully, you know, functional village or I don’t have a, fulfilled life. That’s not the point. the point is knowing that these six do create a full, robust, ah, hopefully joyful and fulfilling community. M but you’re going to ebb and flow out of the need for those six.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, and I would think, too, because they. They’re also going through changes in their life. At one point, they could have been a cheerleader for you and they’re not able to cheer for you in that moment.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, I talk about that in the book a little bit, too, wendy. You know, years ago, I froze my eggs when I was 30, five. And, I, you know, going through all that ivf and retrieval and, I mean, it was a lot. It was a lot on the body, on the mind. My brain just, like, went kaput like, after a while I was like, I just like, was in this fog. And I like to think of myself as someone who wears all six of those hats oftentimes in my relationships with people. But man, I was not able to show up in so many ways for so many people during that time because I was so in my own stress and was dealing with my own brain chemistry and my body not doing what I wanted it to do and the time I wanted to do it and I just, it was, it was just a mess. I felt like at that time. And I had to very honestly tell people, I am just not capable of being who I usually am to you right now. So please give me grace, please give me patience, you know? And eventually I was able to come back to all of that after getting through all of that kind of hormonal upheaval. but it took a lot of humbling and, ah, probably honesty, with myself that I never expected that I was going to have to do or a place I was going to have to go and I had to get over feeling like I was disappointed. Disappointing people.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. You have to give yourself permission to heal.

Wendy Valentine: And just be. I mean, I think especially as women, we’re caretakers. We want to take care of everybody else. And a lot of times we put ourselves on the very end of the list. I was guilty of that majority of my life. But then, yeah, there’s times where you say no, like, I’ve, I got to take care of me right now.

Florence Ann Romano: Right. And it’s okay to push that pause button, but it’s also, I think, important that we learn how to communicate effectively. And I think this is where we get into trouble. You know, we can say what we mean without saying it. Mean, as I always say. And there’s no reason why we can’t say to someone in our lives or our friendship circles or our families, you know, this is, this is what I’m going through right now, and this is what I need. And I need to be able to maybe disappear for a minute. I need to be able to withdraw myself for a minute. I thank you for thinking of me for these social events and stuff, but it would really be great if you just don’t ask me anymore because right now I just don’t want to let people down. So just kind of leave me off that list for right now. Just let me do that healing. And when I’m ready, I promise I will come back and connect again.

It’s all about how we communicate what we need and what we feel

But can you just give me this space? asking for what we need to, I think oftentimes people think looks to be very egotistical, that there’s some sort of pretension attached to it. but again, it’s all about the delivery. It’s all about how we communicate what we’re feeling and what we need. Because certainly we could say what we need or how we’re feeling and say it in a way that is threatening or feels very, selfish or, even, combative. so I always tend to back in to my conversations. I think about the person I’m having a conversation with that I’m going to discuss something maybe that’s sensitive. And I think, how does this person process? How does this person, need, to, have things delivered in a way that they can digest it? And then I think about that dialogue and I come up with my talking points customized to them so that I am going to still get what I need out of this conversation, but I’m going to be setting it up in a way that they’re going to be able to do something constructive with me in terms of a dialogue.

Wendy Valentine: Very well said. that’s one thing I’ve been learning through my relationships, is how people receive things, how it’s in how you deliver it, how you say it, the tone of voice. That doesn’t mean that you’re not being authentic. It actually just means that you’re really having empathy and taking into consideration the person that you’re having that conversation with.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, ultimately, you want to receive, you know, what your, what your goal is. You want to be successful in this conversation. So you’re. It’s still about you. You’re still putting yourself first because you’re saying, I’m going to have this conversation, but I’m going to have it in a manner where I’m still going to be able to get what I need out of it. But you’re also going to be, approaching it in a respectful way again with that, you know, undercurrent of empathy. So hopefully it’s a win win for both parties.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Wendy moved back to the suburbs after 13 years in Chicago

When you created all this, and if you had gone back into your, you know, life, were there, was there a time in your life where you’re like, whoo, I did not have a village in place?

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah, I think there were many times. I think I felt that way. one of the most recent. And you and I just were talking about this before we started the show, and I moved back to Hinsdale. So I grew up in Hinsdale, but I lived in the city you know, of Chicago for, over 13 years. And, you know, I’m almost 39. I am not. At the time, this was now, this is your, this is a few years ago now, but here I am, present day, almost 39, not married, don’t have kids. But a few years ago, you know, when Covid hit and everyone was kind of had this Max mass exodus from the city and everyone’s lives were kind of changing and villages were changing and, I looked around and thought, man, everyone’s gone. You know, all my friends have kids and live in the suburbs and I am really, like, kind of isolated and alone here. And I decided to move back to the suburbs and be, you know, near my friends and their children and my family and my cousins and everyone. And it was the best decision I ever made. But for some reason, at the time, I had thought, you know, I can’t move back to the suburbs. It would be so embarrassing if I’m m not married and I don’t fit into that demographic. And when I came back here, even though I grew up here, I really had to start over in a lot of ways because, you know, everyone else had their tight knit groups and their kids went to school together and all this, I’m like, where do I fit in? And, I have a beautiful group of girlfriends that took me in and brought me under their wing and are absolutely magnificent. But it was very, scary and vulnerable and a little embarrassing, I think, for me when I first came back, because I never had been the person that I felt needed, needed the charity. And that’s how I felt. I felt like the charity case in that way. I wish I had maybe made that decision sooner to come back, because it really changed my life for the better. But I do think the timing of it, when I, you know, retrospectively, I think it probably was all at the right time. It was, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, for sure, yeah. Because I don’t think it would been. The village wouldn’t be as rewarding because you were missing that village. Right, right.

Florence Ann Romano: And it led me to, be brave in ways that I had no idea. I had a hard time being brave at the. And, you know, isn’t that amazing? I’m sure in your life, Wendy, with all the changes you’ve made, you know, no matter what you believe, spiritually, religiously, whatever it is, I always say, you know, there’s a lot of God winks in life and, you know, you can’t avoid it. Sometimes you feel that nudge coming from somewhere and, you know, either you answer that call, you lean into it, you pay attention to the signs, whatever it is. but for me, I, would always kind of just kind of look up to the sky and be like, I didn’t know I needed to learn a lesson in this right now. Like, I didn’t know I needed a lesson in patience. I didn’t know I needed a lesson in bravery. I didn’t know I needed a lesson in friendship. I mean, I thought I had that, like, an a across the board. So, you know, it’s strange the ways we can be challenged, but I have to believe that if we are, it is because there is something we are supposed to serve, and we’re going to serve in a way that we can’t necessarily see yet, but we’re being pushed into this challenge in order to be able to serve on the other side of it.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. I was going to make a point about something. Oh, I know what it is. You had said earlier about how, a lot of times, we have to get very vulnerable and transparent with ourselves. And just, like, for you, you had to get to that place. Like, okay, this is scary. I’ve got to move back to the burbs, and I got to do this for me, and I’ve got to rebuild and even a new village.

Florence Ann Romano: Right, right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Florence Ann Romano: And it’s scary. And like you said, it’s very vulnerable. But most people, when they’re starting this process, will say to me, I have no idea where to begin. I know that I need to make a change, because that’s also something, Wendy, that’s hard for people. And I’ll go back and, just put a pin in what I’m saying for just a second. Go back to Covid. You know, people were bemoaning the fact that they did not have these communities anymore, that they were away from them. Then it came time for us to come out of that hibernation, and we were coming out of COVID and we were able to connect again. And what was astounding to me was people not only didn’t know how to do it again anymore because they kind of were rusty. The worst part about it was they didn’t want to yoga pants and Netflix was more interesting than going out and having a cup of coffee with someone. So I started to get frustrated because I would hear people complaining all the time about how we were in this friendship recession, but I’m like, but what are you doing to fix it?

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Florence Ann Romano: You have to, as I always say in this book, I’m giving you the directions. Here they are. You can come back to these directions anytime in your life. You’re 18 or 80. No matter what you go through, divorce, death, moving to a new city, this can always be home base for you because you always work these steps over and over again. But I can give you the directions. I can’t make you get in the car and drive there.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Florence Ann Romano: Biggest frustration for what is when people complain that it’s not changing for them, but they’re not an active part of the solution.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Florence Ann Romano: Going back to what we were discussing about having to be brave, having to do things you didn’t think that you’d have to do. getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Wendy Valentine: I was just. You took the words right in my back. Where are you gonna go? You know, a lot of people will stay in an uncomfortable zone. Like, they will not get out. It’s like a comfy, uncomfortable zone. And sometimes if that village is not working for you, you got to get real with that. And it might be uncomfortable kind of moving out of that, but then trusting and having faith that you will find your village, you will find the people that support you and love you for who you are.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, and that goes back to,

The first piece of advice I give people when they start philanthropy is philanthropy

I think the first thing I was going to talk about before I went off on my little tangent is, the first piece of advice I ever give people when they don’t know where to start is philanthropy. I always say that philanthropy is the key. You move to a new city, or you feel stuck in a rut with your friends, or you feel like your values maybe are not aligning with people anymore more the way they used to. I don’t have as much in common with my friends anymore. Well, maybe you’re evolving. Maybe you’re growing. Maybe you’re growing out of those friendships, growing out of those and whatever it might be. But philanthropy is a great way for you to say, okay, this is something that’s important to me. These are things that are an important piece of my heart. I’m going to throw it into Google. I’m going to see what’s available in my community and how I can lend myself to the community. And then you’re going to meet people that are like minded or have similar values to you. Two birds with 1 st. You’re going to be able to give back to this world, but you’re also going to be in an environment that’s not as threatening. You’re all there for the same reasons, and you’re going to connect for those reasons, but then hopefully open up the door for friendships based on those shared ideas.

Wendy Valentine: yes, exactly.

Florence Ann Romano: To start, for people that feel, maybe a little intimidated by it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mean, looking back at my life, I had to. Going back to the divorce and depression and the grief and all that, I ended up. I applied for jobs all over the country, and I moved from Virginia to there, close to you in Chicago.

Florence Ann Romano: I love it.

Wendy Valentine: And. Yeah. And I had to force myself out of that comfort zone, and that was where I had raised my kids. And I was like, okay, let’s do this. And I put myself into an environment that was totally. I. It was new to me. I’d never lived in, you know, Illinois before, but I was like, okay. And I ended, up gaining new friends as I was there. A lot of them may not have been, like, ideally in my village per se, but as time went on, it was like, I started to learn who my friends really were. Who were the people that I could pick up the phone and call or, hey, I need this from you. Can you be there for me? And sometimes it’s people that you wouldn’t expect. Like, now, like, for me, my kids are. Let’s see, how old are my kids? 21, 26 and 32 years old. It’s like, my kids are even in my village now, and it’s something.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah, I know.

Wendy Valentine: It’s so cool, though. Like, I wouldn’t. I know.

Florence Ann Romano: You can have that friendship with them.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Florence Ann Romano: that’s. That’s a beautiful thing.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I think a lot of times, we don’t. We don’t think about that. Like, okay. Like, our own kids could actually be in our village, and it’s. It’s pretty neat. And sometimes we don’t see it. Right. Like, we don’t even think, like, oh, my gosh, like, this person could be in my village of someone that I can. And sometimes we don’t even, What am I trying to say? Like, whether it’s children or, people that are just acquaintances or co workers.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Maybe wouldn’t even think about it. Like, wow, this person. I could actually be closer to this person if I allowed that friendship to grow, in other words. Right.

Florence Ann Romano: And that’s part of. There’s a. I talk about in the book, the primary and secondary villages. Ah.

Wendy Valentine: okay.

Florence Ann Romano: And that. That’s all part of it.

Wendy says our world is still struggling with what connection means

You know, I always make a joke that, oftentimes your barista is part of your village. Yeah. Maybe you see every single day at the coffee shop that’s giving you that caffeine fix. And I use this example, which is so funny because I don’t even drink coffee. I don’t drink caffeine. But I know, very important to a lot of people. But that barista, like, you know, everything about them. You know, about their family, their hobbies. If they just took a vacation, what they’re doing this weekend, their relationship drama, you know? And all of a sudden, you realize, oh, my gosh, that Victoria is actually a big piece of my village, you know? And it’s the same for a co worker. Yeah, maybe you’re at work together, but, you know, oftentimes. And I had a digital content business for a long time. I spent more time with my, you know, my staff, my. My employees than I did with most of my friends. And they knew me in a way that a lot of people didn’t. And we had a bond that was very specific, but they. They spent cumulatively more time with me than most people for so many years of my life, and they were a part of my village. And you go through things together with your coworkers or, you know, your. Your work life, whatever that might be, and so don’t discount it. And I like that you’re bringing that up, Wendy, because it is, a part of your life. It is a part of your community, and it should not be undervalued.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And, you know, just thinking, too, like the common thread, I would think through all of this, it’s connection. It’s connecting.

Florence Ann Romano: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Which, going back to Covid, that’s what a lot of us missed out on, was connecting.

Florence Ann Romano: But that’s still what I think our world is struggling with. Our world is still struggling with what connection means. and I think it’s because, of course, we live in an overly, technologically advanced and continues to advanced world, where, it allows us to be a little more lazy when it comes apprenticeships.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Florence Ann Romano: I think we feel like, oh, yeah, I texted with, you know, a bunch of people all day long, or, you know, I was, you know, engaging on social media in some way, and then, you know, you realize that it really doesn’t replace the one on one, in person connection. And sometimes I feel like I’m. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of, you know, people that I engage with or see. I live a very overly articulate, overly social life. Sometimes I need to press the pause button and I need to retreat from that. But then sometimes when I’ve taken too much time away from it, I’ll be at lunch or I’ll be at coffee with a girlfriend or taking a walk with someone, and I’ll come home, and I will just have the biggest smile on my face and just this overwhelming sense of peace, and I’ll think to myself, gosh, I didn’t realize I needed to be filled up like that. And so I think we need to be more open to the balance in our lives of understanding that we need to allow for, you know, connection to happen in those different capacities.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Florence Ann Romano: and I think that’s a, That’s a big piece of it, too.

One thing I’ve learned about rv life and Europe is people do interact more

Wendy Valentine: One thing I’ve learned about, actually, rv life and also, living in Europe.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: Is people do interact more there. And especially here in Madeira, when it’s like, 70 degrees year round, they’re outside a lot of. And here, like the Portuguese, they get their families together on Sundays. It’s pretty quiet throughout town because they’re all at home. They’re dining together, they’re doing things together. So I’ve enjoyed observing this culture, actually connecting more and then going back to rv life.

Florence Ann Romano: There’s.

Wendy Valentine: People are usually outside, they’re meeting others from other areas, and that. And, yeah, I agree. We need to get out more. We need to be interacting. We need to be talking to the barista instead of, like, staring at our phone as we wait for the coffee. Right? Like, it’s like we’re human beings. We are meant to connect and interact. Like, that’s how we were created. That’s how we thrive, actually.

Florence Ann Romano: We could not have said it better myself, Wendy. We were meant for people. We were created for people. And I think we’ve seen ourselves swing in terms of the pendulum too far to one side, in terms of the disconnection, because I think for a long time, it was about the nuclear family. It was about that village, and then we started redefining what that village or that nuclear family looked like. And there’s no problem with that. There’s no wrong way to build a family. But I think because our society has kind of pulled away more so, from being raised amongst your family members, that we then forget, though, we need to still fill those spots. If you are away from your family, you’ve pulled away from that family, then how are you choosing your own family? And that is powerful, and I want people to do that. But if you’re not doing that, that’s why you’re still waking up with that emptiness, is because you haven’t replaced what you lost.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Yeah. And we all have to take responsibility for our share in our relationships. You know, there’s always that, like, oh, you haven’t called me in two weeks.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, you could also, right, it works both ways, so.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Florence Ann Romano: You’ve got it. You know, you’ve got to ignore thyself. You know, you have to be able to be accountable for your actions and you have to be aware of also how you make other people feel. And are you showing up as your best self in these friendships? Are you? I always say, you know, new, year’s Eve, instead of saying, okay, you know, I’m going to lose the ten pounds, I’m going to join a gym and do this. Wouldn’t it be great if you looked at that list of six villagers and said, you know what, this, this healer villager, this one really, really entices me. I think I have some of these qualities and I think I’m going to spend the next year leaning into this. And I want to be a better healer villager a year from now. I want to be able to say that I was able to create that space for myself in the world and I was able to show up for people in that way in their villages. And I just love the concept of how that would create a ripple effect of compassion and change and vibration in this world that would be so much more beneficial than the gym membership.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly.

Sugar writes about being different in different relationships in her new book

Now, do you, can you be a, different archetype in different relationships? Like, if you’re, you’re a cheerleader for one person, but you might be a healer for another 100% if you asked.

Florence Ann Romano: My friends, when the book came out, I asked, you know, my friends after they read it, you know, who am I to you and all of them generally, I was someone different. I was someone’s cheerleader, someone else’s dependable, whatever it was, because I show up in different intensities or, you know, different colors and different people’s lives, whatever it might be. and I love that. I love that I’m not just one dimensional way and we’re not supposed to be, you know, to, you know, to someone, I’m cheerleader to someone else. I’m their accepting person. And maybe that accepting person only talks to me every six months or so, but we have a really strong bond that one of my girlfriends from college, it’s that way. We do not talk every week. We barely talk every couple weeks. but we have, like, a cosmic connection where no matter something happens in our life, the other one knows about it and you get a text message or a phone call right away. And that’s just the person she is in my life. And we understand the dynamics and the cadence of our friendship. And to her, I am a very different person than I am to my best friends who live in this community with me and see me every single week. So I love the idea that we can be different people to others and also reinvent ourselves depending on the season of life that we’re in. There’s a lot of really fun, creative license that we have here, in terms of connection and community building. And I hope people see that this doesn’t have to be such a heavy lift. This can really be enlightening. It can be fun, and it can be a whole new chance for a, rebirth. And I love the potential of that.

Wendy Valentine: And I just want to say, too, I love your rebirth because this book, right. Came out of your courage to move back, and this whole thing came about.

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you. Well, thank you. I think both of us wrote books based on that moment where we realized, oh, shoot, this doesn’t feel great. Okay. I m need to figure out how I feel. How can I articulate this? And if I’m feeling this way, certainly other people are, too. and how do we pass on that message in a way that, again, makes it feel doable for people? I hate reading books or personal growth books or things like that, that they’re like, okay, here are, like, the 27 things you need to do, and you need to do it over the next 365 days. And you’re like, you know, throwing that book out the window. They’re like, time for this. No, thanks. I want something I can do today that’s going to make. It’s doable, it’s accessible, it’s manageable. So in my book, I have guts, tax guts, gut checks and action steps. The gut checks are, what can I do today that I learned from this chapter? And the action steps are something that I can wrap my brain. that is a small step that’s going to lead to big results. That is what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for these grandiose, you know, you know, enormous mountains to climb. I’m looking for small steps that are going to lead to big results.

Wendy Valentine: I love it. Less fluff and more formula.

Florence Ann Romano: Yes, ma’am. Love. Love, Wendy. That is so true.

Wendy Valentine: And I’ve read every personal development book out there, and I’m like, can you just, tell me what to do?

Florence Ann Romano: I know. Stop. It’s like, stop walking around it. I want you to tell me. Just, I don’t care if you tell me that I stink. I don’t know if you tell me that I have a bad personality and I need to change that. I don’t care what you tell me. Just tell me something that is going to help. Don’t, you know, don’t. Sugar.

Wendy Valentine: It’s funny, though. We usually create what we needed, right? Like, the book I’m writing is the book I needed six years ago. And the book that you wrote is the book that you needed during that time. We’re like little guinea pigs.

Florence Ann Romano: But you write what you know that they always say when you don’t you, when you want it, you know, you say, I’d love to write a book one day. Well, what’s your tip? Well, the tip is you got to write what you know. That’s, you know, you can’t. You know, people like to throw around that term expert. And really, what we’re talking about in terms of expertise is experience. Yeah. I like that word better than expert.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. so where can we find you and to buy the book, most importantly.

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, gosh. I’m all, you know, on social media, just like anything. I think moderation is key. With social media, however, I do answer every Dm. So, Florence Ann Romano. and also my website, Florence Ann.com book is there. Book is anywhere. Books are sold. and I, I do love to engage, so if you should follow me, please. Dm me. I’m happy to talk about any of this in more detail with you, and I’d like you to think of me as your virtual village.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, I love it.

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you.

Wendy Valentine: Well, when I cruise the RV back through Illinois, I’m going to come see better.

Florence Ann Romano: Come on through. I’m going to be looking for you out the window. I’ll be like. And I’ll come running out, girl. And we’ll have the best time together.

Thank you. This was a great topic. Thank you, everyone. Have a great day

Thank you. This was.

Wendy Valentine: Or come to Portugal, too. Yeah.

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, gosh. Hey, that’s an invitation. I would love that, too. I’m ready. I’m ready to go, girl. Get me out of here.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. You’re awesome. I love this. This was a great topic. Yeah. Thank you, everyone. Have a great day. Go get your village together.