Deborah Donenfeld is a life coach who specializes in midlife transitions

Wendy Valentine: Hey there, midlife maven. Welcome back to the Midlife Makeover Show. Today we’re diving deep into navigating life’s big changes. Oh, yes. Joining us is the incredible Deborah Donenfeld, owner of Photosynthesis Coaching and a life coach who specializes in guiding people through the challenges of midlife transitions. Thank you. After facing her own series of life altering events, Deborah brings heartfelt wisdom and 13 years of coaching experience to help others move through tough times with grace and compassion. In this episode, Deborah will share a transformative strategy on how to turn moments of frustration into opportunities for self reflection and growth. Get ready to find more self compassion, build deeper connections and learn how to evolve gracefully through midlife’s twists and and turns.

Let’s give a warm welcome to Deborah. Uh, welcome Deborah. What a lovely introduction

Let’s give a warm welcome to Deborah. welcome Deborah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Thank you so much. What a lovely introduction.

Wendy Valentine: Isn’t that nice?

Deborah Donenfeld: That was actually.

Wendy Valentine: I was a guest on the show and she did that for me and I was like, oh, I like that.

Deborah Donenfeld: I was listening.

Wendy Valentine: I thought, who is that woman? She’s. Yeah, who is she talking about? I want to meet her. So it’s interesting, of all the guests that I’ve had on the show, which is almost 300, which is crazy.

Deborah Donenfeld: Wow.

Wendy Valentine: But there’s one common thread with every single guest and that is that they teach what they have learned. So in other words, the lessons that they teach, especially on the show, are the lessons that they learned in life. So like, their breakdown became their breakthrough, which then became their purpose and then their mission in life, which is, I think is so freaking awesome.

Your breakdown happened on several levels at once, right?

So that being said, what was your big, breakdown, your big lesson or lessons in life that brought you here?

Deborah Donenfeld: Well, my, I mean, my big breakdown happened on several levels at once. it’s like my whole life fell apart at once. Basically I was getting divorced, which was hard enough and had taken me three years of wrenching, you know, thinking and crying and trying to figure it out and to come to that decision. And so now we’re divorcing and at the same time I find out that my husband’s business has completely tanked and there is, ah, like 00 in his business account. so now we’re going to have to move. I thought I was going to stay in our apartment with our children when we divorced, but now we’re going to have to sell our apartment, we’re going to have to move, I’m going to have to uproot my children. I have no money. And then the work that I was doing was bringing in some money, but not Enough to support all of us. And so now I was going to have to look for other work. So it’s like I had career change, I had financial fallout, I was getting divorced and I was moving. Like any one of those things would be a big change. Difficult to navigate on its own. And all of them were happening at once. So that was the, I mean it’s like breakdown on, on, on to the nth degree, right? Like everything just fell apart. and then the, the, the two years of watching the proceeds from our apartment dwindle, we were able to sell our apartment pretty quickly. So that was great. But then I was basically living on that mostly because there was no other money coming in and working on my business and doing odd jobs and looking for full time work and just doing all of it at the same time. And I think what sort of kept me going was knowing that I was doing everything that I could on a pragmatic level, but also working on all the soft skills. Continuing my morning practice, which is meditation and writing, going to yoga. I did a trade so that I could have yoga classes and not have to pay for them. continuing therapy, talking to my friends, doing self help books. Like, ah, whatever I could do, I just did all of it.

Wendy Valentine: Just, just to. Not completely drowned.

Deborah Donenfeld: Just to know that I was doing everything I possibly could to get myself out of it. You know, like if there was something that somebody suggested I did it, you know, like I just, just to keep going.

Wendy Valentine: It’s interesting. You know, as obviously as human beings we, we think that fight or flight and freeze responses only happens like an, okay, you’re in a car accident or you know, someone breaks into your house or something like that. But actually it’s in even those emotional, the part of the emotional roller coaster things that can happen to us or I think happen for us that can put you into that fight or flight or freeze mode. And sometimes you do have to jump into that fight mode to like, okay, I gotta go get a job, I gotta go, I gotta take care of these kids. I need to go, I need to sell this apartment. And you have that kind of. And it’s all, temporary, right? It’s not like you’re gonna stay in that mode. You don’t want to, otherwise you would probably just burn out.

Deborah Donenfeld: But it sure feels that way, right? Sure feels that way when you’re in it, that it’s never going away. It’s going to be like this forever. You’re going to feel this way forever. And I think it’s that knowledge of this, nothing lasts forever. This is temporary. If you know that and you can place your faith in that, that you can get up and take the steps and keep going and keep doing it because you just know that at some point it’s going to turn around. You don’t know how. And honestly you don’t need to know how. Right.

Your husband disappeared for three days during the divorce process

Wendy Valentine: What did you struggle with the most emotionally during that time?

Deborah Donenfeld: I, I mean I, it was really, I really felt like I had to keep it together for my kids and make sure to somehow make things work for them and the pain that it was causing them. What caused me a lot of pain, just the fact that I knew that it was a struggle for them, that the divorce was hard, that moving was hard, that see that we didn’t have a lot of money was hard on them. That was really emotionally difficult for me. I will say that probably I’ve actually never talked about this in a, in a, like a public setting. And it’s not like on my website as part of my story, but part of this story is that when we decided to divorce and we were going to tell the children. My husband disappeared, for three days and I. That period, that three day period was the most emotionally wrenching period. So here I am trying to normalize it somewhat for my kids but don’t want them to think that this is normal behavior. That’s okay. Like you don’t just disappear and not tell anybody where you are. And yeah. Right. At the same time I thought maybe he’s dead. Like I really.

Wendy Valentine: It’s scary. Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Thinking that. Right. Like something. It was super scary. And that I think even more than that two year period, that was traumatic though. Those three days were the, the took the biggest emotional toll on me. I’ve never felt so anxious and stressed out as I did during those three days.

Wendy Valentine: How did you. If you did and it’s okay if you didn’t, how did you forgive and move past those horrific 72 hours? And even the whole thing with him like leaving you, you know, financially. you know, just everything, everything where he left you in your life.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah. I mean I, obviously I still don’t think it’s okay behavior. I also think that he’s, he has a lot of limitations.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And he, if he could have done something different, if he could have done something better, he would have. It’s sad to me that he wasn’t able to and that he, that he made the choices he did almost without making a choice just because that’s was the only thing that he could do. That’s how I sort of like can sort of get. Get past it. I still don’t think it’s okay.

Wendy Valentine: Correct.

Deborah Donenfeld: also, I think, I think it’s incredibly sad that he’s. He’s living with this 24,7. These limitations and these, this limited capacity.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. I think. And at some point then you have to just like, okay, I gotta take care of myself. I have to take care of these children. He’s gonna have to do what he’s got to do for himself.

Deborah Donenfeld: That’s right. And that actually was that that took a lot and yeah, it’s. It took a lot to be just let go of that role of caretaking of him.

Deborah Donenfeld: You know, like, I’m not, that’s not who I. That’s not my role anymore.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Maybe it shouldn’t have ever been, but that’s another story.

Wendy Valentine: But I think I admire that like you, you give yourself permission to move on and to create a life for yourself and not feel guilty about it.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah. And I think that I needed to give myself that permission to get divorced to begin with. That was a huge part of it, is how can I give myself permission for this? You know, I actually had to get to the place to feel. And I was married for 22 years. I had to get to the place. And we were in couples therapy for nine years, so I had to get to the place. Clearly I didn’t feel entitled to leave or to end it. I. And I had to get to a place where I felt actually entitled to make a different choice.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. There was something you had said on your website. I, had to try to understand what the universe was trying to grow me into and to trust that there was a reason I had landed here.

Wendy Valentine: So what do you think the universe said?

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah, well, it’s interesting that you’re asking that question right after I said that thing about caretaking. Right. Like I’m not here to take care of everybody else. That’s not my role. So that I think there were many, many learnings. So many learnings. But this was. I had to let go of that role of being the person to take care of everybody else.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. That’s a tough thing to do. And especially, I mean, I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying because for me I was always, the people pleaser, the perfectionist. And like, I can do, I can fix it all, I can make everyone else happy, so then I can be happy. And oh my gosh this is wonder. And then deep down I was crumbling on the inside. And it finally hit me. Took a long decades until I finally realized I cannot make everyone else happy. They have to make themselves happy. I cannot fix everybody.

Deborah Donenfeld: And not only that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Fixing or even if I could fix everybody, make everybody happy, that’s not necessarily going to make me happy.

It’s like externalizing everything. It’s an inside job. Exactly. I know we think that. Right, right

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. I know we think that.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right, right. It’s like let me externalize everything. I want to be happy. So I’m going to do this for everybody else. It’s an inside job.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

So tell us more about the breakthrough. So a little bit more like some of the steps that you took

So tell us more about the breakthrough. We know about the breakdown. So a little bit more like some of the steps that you took. I know you were like kind of doing some yoga and doing some reading, but were they just little bitty steps and like getting the job? And how did you fully come out of that?

Deborah Donenfeld: So, I will say that when I was in the three day period that was the most, anxiety producing. I could only access one tool. That’s not true. Two tools. I still, I continued my morning practice. I wrote every day and I meditated and I was, you know, for those three days and it like every day.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: But the only real tool I could access in the moment was my breath. And I just put my attention on my breath. I noticed like, oh, I’m trying to take a deep breath but it’s not going in. It’s very shallow. That’s interesting. I just kept noticing the breath and that was all I could do in those, in those three days. in that two year period of anxiety. But different of trying to find work and not having enough money. I stuck to my morning practice like a religion, you know, like I meditated every day, I wrote every day. Writing is really, really powerful for me. Yeah, it really, Some people say that they don’t like to write and you know, that’s fine, there are other things to do. But I find it a very powerful way of processing or even finding out what’s going on in there that I didn’t even realize I was thinking about. So that was super helpful. And and I did like, I did just continue my practices. I did yoga. I think it was like three or four times a week at that time. I just put one step foot in front of the other.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And I kept going to work, looking for work. I did it like it was a full time job on top of all the other things that I was doing. You know, I mean I just took all the steps and I didn’t neglect my Inner process and my inner life.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And I kept paying for, burn therapy, even though, I mean, that was the one thing I was like, I don’t, it doesn’t matter. I’m paying for this because I don’t know where it’s coming from. But I. This is, I need this.

Wendy Valentine: Deep down you knew you needed to heal from all of this.

Deborah Donenfeld: I needed to heal from all of it in order to come out the other side.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: You know, and if I didn’t come out the other side, what, there was no option. Right. I was going to be living on the street.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, well, that’s the thing. Like, well, we can have these things that happen to us in life and we have a choice, like, which path are you going to choose? Or none at all. You can stay exactly right where you’re at. You can go, down one path where it leads you and you’re even worse, or you can completely just flip the s*** on its head and recreate a new life. Right, right.

Deborah Donenfeld: And which, by the way, it’s funny that you say that because, that is something that I do sometimes and that I did a lot that year. I would just go into headstand. Just go if. If things are feeling like really bad and it’s just hard for me to even process what’s going on or see it any differently. If I’m sort of stuck in a way I’m seeing a certain situation, I just go up into headstand for a few minutes.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And that literally turns things on its head, Right. Like it, turns. Then you come back down. It’s like, okay, I can see things a little bit differently now.

Wendy Valentine: Well, I kind of think of it like, well, there’s like muscle confusion, right. Like if you’re working on the gym and you start doing exercises that your body’s not used to because eventually, like your body hits a plateau if you do the same things over and over again.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right?

Wendy Valentine: So I have a trainer now where she’s doing all sorts of different. I’m like, what are we doing? But then there’s muscle confusion, which then actually results in more muscle. Right. Makes you stronger, right. So it’s like there’s life confusion. You start doing things that are totally different, totally outside your comfort zone. And that does make you stronger.

Deborah Donenfeld: I think it makes you stronger and it makes your brain have to, have to. It. It can’t rely on the old neural pathways. It can’t just go into habit now. It’s got to do something different. You’re doing something Different?

Wendy Valentine: Yep.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I think when, when I, speaking of neuroscience and neuroplasticity, when I, when I learned about I Lear from Dr. Joe Dispenza and meditating.

Your mind is either your best friend or your worst enemy

And I totally had a different mindset shift about meditating once I learned what exactly what was going on in my brain. But then I’m like, oh, wait a second, I can actually change these beliefs. Like, I don’t have to own this s*** anymore.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: And, once I learned that, I started meditating even more. And then I started to notice those changes. I was like, oh, wait a second. I don’t really think anymore that I’m not worthy or that I’m not good enough or that I can’t get a job and, you know, reinvent myself. I can actually do this s***, you know.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right. So, yeah, it’s amazing how much of it is a decision. Right. You can make a decision to think, differently, to act differently, to react differently, to have a different habit. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And to be consistent about it. I think that’s key. No matter what it is, Right. Just doing something every single day. Like you did, like the journaling or meditating, having something that you can always come back to that is comfortable and then also mixing it up a little bit. Like, you never know. It’s kind of cool when you, when you realize, oh my gosh, I’m actually creating a new version of myself and a new life.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: And then the possibilities, like, oh, holy crap, like, I have more options. I can do more stuff now.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s up to me of what.

Deborah Donenfeld: I want to do. And at the same time, like, sometimes those old gremlins come back, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, gosh, every day, all the time.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right, right. Exactly. And so it’s like, how can I sort of befriend them because they’re not going anywhere. Like, sometimes like, things come up in sessions and people are like, but we talked about this two weeks ago. And I’m like, yeah, but it’s coming up again. Like, it’s not a one and done thing. Like you’re going to be living with this part of yourself or these old beliefs, they’re like, they’re forever. Like they’re there. It’s just, how much power do you want to give them? And when you push them away and when you say, I don’t want to feel them and they’re gone now, you’re actually giving them more power.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. And then I think learning, having those tools to conquer those gremlins. Right. That will always surface maybe till the day that you die. But then they don’t surface for as long.

Deborah Donenfeld: They don’t surface for as long. They don’t have as much of a charge.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Deborah Donenfeld: You have a friendlier attitude toward the. Oh, there’s that voice again. A friend of mine always says, there’s that voice, and he does that little hand gesture. And I think it’s so helpful because it. It’s smaller and it’s not you. It’s not merged with you now. It’s just a separate thing. Right. So there’s. Oh, there’s that little voice again. And I know you’re wanting to protect me, or I know you’re feeling scared. It’s okay. You know, we’re gonna. We’re gonna get through this together. I know it’s scary to. Yep. We’re going to do it anyway. And I’ll be with you the whole time. Right. Like, if you have that relationship to that voice or that part of yourself, then that. That part doesn’t have to speak so loudly or so often or so vehemently.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. I always say that your. Your mind is either your best friend or your worst critic, your biggest enemy. Right.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s which. Whichever one that you want, which you can make your best friend like a very loud cheerleader in your head, if you want, and in your life. And whichever one is speaking the most and speaking the loudest is the one that’s in control of your life. So it’s like, which one do you want?

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right. Yeah. And.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Which one do you want? And how can you accommodate that? That other part exists.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly.

Deborah Donenfeld: Without banishing that part. But not letting them. Like, that part doesn’t get to drive the bus.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. Not letting it run your life and ruin your life.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Photographsynthesis is about embracing difficult times and allowing growth

So tell me about the photosynthesis name. Where does that come from?

Deborah Donenfeld: So it actually took me such a long time to come up with this, and I was thinking about it so much, and I talked to my own coaches about it and trying to figure it out, but I think really it’s. Well, it ties in, an older part of my life, which is, as a photographer, to also just the blossoming, growth, change, Harnessing your own inner light like that, that’s sort of what it calls up for me. And that’s why I chose the name.

Wendy Valentine: I like it. It’s so funny because a couple weeks ago, I had, Dr. Cohen on the show. He’s the author of Be the Sun, not the Salt, and he talks about being heliotropic and How a tree, like being heliotropic, it will grow towards the sunlight.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: And it was so funny. I was like, when it came across my desk or my email, it was like, heliotropic. I was like, what is that? And then, then in yours I was like, photo. I was like, what does this all mean?

Deborah Donenfeld: You know?

Wendy Valentine: But I, I do think it’s more about having more light, embracing that light and allowing yourself to shine your light.

Deborah Donenfeld: That’s right, yeah, absolutely. All of that and allowing the growth. Because the growth doesn’t always feel good. I don’t know what it feels like to a tree or a plant, but like it’s. That growth is hard. Like that those things that you go through. And in fact, that is sort of what I. That was one of the things that I kept saying to myself over and over again during that period was like, you’re going to be so big on the other side of this. You’re going to be so big. And it was like, yeah, this is what growth comes out of, is these really hard times growing us into something that maybe we didn’t think we wanted or we want, but we didn’t understand, that this is the way to get there. You know?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, that’s tough. Like when you’re going through something, it’s hard to embrace it. Like, oh, yay, I’m going through divorce. Yay, I’m going through this illness.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh.

Wendy Valentine: You know, like for me it was like, I was like you. Everything happened all at once. The divorce, my brother died, my dog died, depression, disease, chronic illness, I mean, you name it, it was everything all at once. Right?

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it was hard to be like, okay, what’s this gonna teach me? I’m so excited. Show me the lessons, universe. I’m ready.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: But I think just like you, you have to put one foot in front of the other. And I’ve always noticed.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I don’t, for me personally, I don’t reap the or I don’t recognize the lesson until later. Like six months, a year, sometimes two years.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah, sometimes.

Wendy Valentine: And now that I know that, I’m like, okay, I just don’t search for it. But I do know, I keep in the back of my mind this is all happening for me for a reason.

Deborah Donenfeld: That’s right. And you don’t need to know why. That’s, I think, the hard thing too. Right. Like, okay, maybe I won’t know for a year, maybe I won’t know for six months, maybe I’ll never know. Maybe I’ll Never know why this happened, but I’m just going to trust that this is happening for me.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And I don’t know why, how different you can feel the feelings at the same time. Like, feel hard. It is. And you know.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that’s the thing. Like, you don’t, you don’t want to ignore or avoid all of the emotions that you go through during those tough times. If anything, it’s, it’s really being aware of them and paying attention to them and listening to yourself and like, okay, what, why am I feeling this way? And it’s okay, it’s okay to feel this way. Like, why am I angry? Why am, why am I sad? And, and if you feel sad, you feel sad. If you’re angry, you’re angry. Like, embrace it. That’s. It’s all part of being human, right? You’re human being. Being human. You’re supposed.

Deborah Donenfeld: I’m getting curious about it, right? How can I get curious about what. That even though I don’t understand, understand why, like, okay, I’m feeling this. I don’t know what it comes from, but let me get curious about what it feels like in my body. And then things kind of shift and, and change.

You walked the Camino a few weeks ago, which was great

But so, so what you were saying, earlier sort of reminded me of something that I just went through. So I walked, you know, I walked the Camino a few weeks ago, which was great. On day one, I got into a major battle with a brim, with a BlackBerry bush. I mean, I wouldn’t even say a bush. Like, it was like, it just went on and on and on for miles. It was like a 45 minute. Anyway, I came out of it like I was completely scratched up and bleeding down my legs and arms. And I get this one, and I get to my hostel, I get into my room and the woman who’s there says, oh my God, what happened? And I tell her the story and she’s like, you need to see, you need to ask yourself why the Camino is bringing this to you. And I thought, and I said to her, yes, I do, but I can’t, not now. Right now I just need to feel all the things I’m feeling about this. And in a couple of days I will sit down and ask myself what the Camino had in mind for me with this. But I can’t do this right now. And sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you just need to be in it, feel what you’re feeling, see what comes out of it and let it.

Wendy Valentine: Emerge and put one foot in Front of the other. Even though it hurts like h***.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yes.

Wendy Valentine: Because you’re covered in splinters.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh yeah. It was something else. It was something else.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

So you walked the Camino de Santiago, right

So you walked the. It’s Camino de Santiago, right? Did I say it right? Yeah. So anybody out there listening is like, what? Camino? What? So Camino de Santiago. It’s let’s see, does it go from, Goes from Portugal all the way up through Spain and then.

Deborah Donenfeld: So there are several different, There are several different paths. they’re probably many, many, many different paths. But the main ones are probably like eight or nine different paths. The most, common one that people do starts in France and goes to Santiago. There’s one that starts in Portugal and goes to Santiago. The one that I did went all along the northern coast of Spain and then ended in Santiago. So that’s the one that I did. Yeah, but they’re all different and it’s like an ancient pilgrimage to this town with an incredible cathedral. But. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: So any lessons that came out of that experience?

Deborah Donenfeld: I feel like I’m still processing. I Feel like something has shifted on a cellular level, but I’m not sure exactly. I will say that I had an experience which made me realize just, how important the sense of belonging is to me. that I don’t think I was as aware of. and that’s also still sort of unfolding. So I would, I’ll sort of leave you with that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, it was just peeps that you were meeting along the way and that connection.

Deborah Donenfeld: Well, I met a lot of different people along the way and toward the end, like the last 10 days, I ended up walking in different configurations with the same group. yeah, we’re now in a WhatsApp group together. We’re all still chatting, which is really nice. and I ended up, I took a day off to see. I was seeing my clients on the way one day a week. So I took a day off to see my clients and they all went ahead. So they arrived in Santiago the day before I did, which, you know, was fine. And I felt a little sad about it, but it was okay. And then I started getting the text messages from them. when are you like individually, not even in the group? When are you arriving? We want to be here when you get here. And I was so incredibly touched by that. And then when I did arrive, they’re waiting in the square for me and so excited that I’m, I mean, I’ve only known them for 10 days. Right. And they’re all with each other. So I think the level of like, how. Just how moved I was by that was an indicator to me that like something was important.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Or that you’re needed, cared for.

Deborah Donenfeld: Needed and cared for and part of something and making. Having an impact on other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I coach too. But you know, in just, in a different way. Yeah, it was lovely. It was really, really lovely.

What was your support system like when you were going through those tough times

Wendy Valentine: Speaking of what was like when you were going through those tough times in your life, what was your support system like friends and family?

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah, I had friends. my. Everybody was just super supportive and I’m a little bit of an open book. So I like talk to everybody and I tell everybody what’s going on and me too. Everybody. My yoga teachers know and like everybody knows. So in a way that’s great because it kind of, it does invite this kind of support. and, and I knew even though I was afraid that I could be living on the street with my kids and be homeless, that that would never happen because my friends would never let that happen.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: You know, now of course I didn’t want to get to that point either, but.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Deborah Donenfeld: I, I do feel. And having people around you is so, is so important. And I feel like a lot of times when these things happen in our lives, we’re, we’re so filled with shame that we don’t let people in.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Because we’re too ashamed.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Deborah Donenfeld: And that’s a, that’s a vicious cycle. Right. Shame thrives in the dark. Shame can’t really thrive in the light. So the more you talk about it, the less of a charge that shame has. And I think that it, it’s just hard because when you feel ashamed, you don’t feel like you can tell anybody.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly.

How have you changed since then as a woman

How have you changed people? How have you changed since then as a woman? Just from going from that breakdown to breakthrough to where you’re at now. How are you different?

Deborah Donenfeld: I think I have, I have a lot more self confidence. I sort of see, I see myself more clearly. and there are, there are things I’m much less willing to accept from, from other people or circumstances in my life. and I think just as part of the continuum, I’m. I’m constantly learning about myself and becoming more and more self aware, which allows me to have more compassion for other people. You know, it’s all part of it. and I’m sure that that was given a boost by going through a difficult situation. Right. I can relate to. Yeah, I can really I can really sort of let judgment go and really. See people as, I don’t know what they’re going through. There’s. They must be going through something really difficult or they could be going through something really difficult or maybe they did. And yeah, I think it has allowed me to be more compassionate.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly. Just to have that empathy for others and especially for your clients. Right. I mean, you’re going through. Yeah, it’s like, okay, I get it. I mean, I think that for me, it, having, been through all the stuff that I’ve been through in my life, it does make it easier. And I have no judgment on others. How could I? Because like, I get it, I understand. Yeah, right. I had someone speaking, of judgment. You get. I mean, I get comments all the time, Instagram, YouTube, whatever. And someone sent out a comment, I think it was on YouTube. And he says, why do you feel like you have to just, you know, completely reinvent your life? You have to just do all these things. Why can’t you just, just be, why don’t you just be a good person? I was like, well, I’m trying to be a good person. I go, but there are times people do have to do that. Sometimes we do get handed divorce papers. Sometimes we do get fired from our job or something tragic happens in our lives. Sometimes we do have to reinvent ourselves or.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right, and how are those two things mutually. Yeah. Exclusive. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what one has to do with the other.

Wendy Valentine: I know, exactly. I’m like, sometimes you got. Yeah, exactly. I’m like, well, because of loving myself and being a good person, I can reinvent myself. So it’s like reinventing yourself.

Deborah Donenfeld: Interested, to hear what he, what that means to him, you know, what does, Yeah, I know mean? What does he mean by that?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: But it’s, it’s interesting though. Like it’s not, not a bad thing to get a divorce and to take care of yourself or to go get a new job or to decide to create a new life for yourself. There’s nothing bad about that.

Deborah Donenfeld: No, there’s nothing bad. I mean, there may be fallout. There may be people who get hurt, there may be people who are disappointed.

Wendy Valentine: yeah,

Deborah Donenfeld: But that’s, that sort of goes back to that. You can’t take care of everybody’s feelings. Nobody feels any pain. You don’t want to intentionally cause people pain. Right. But you don’t want to cause yourself pain to spare, other people pain. That also doesn’t really work?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right. There you go.

Wendy Valentine: And then. Yeah, yeah.

The coaching process focuses on building self awareness and building emotional intelligence

So how do you how does the coaching process work? Where do you, where do you begin? With clients especially like if someone came to you, that was you 10 years ago, where do you begin?

Deborah Donenfeld: Well it’s, so there is a lot of focus on building self awareness, building emotional intelligence. Right. But when somebody comes to me in like the first minute of a session, I’m, I’m going to often ask what is feeling most present for you right now? Let’s work with most. What’s most present because that’s where the juice is, you know, and through the exploration and getting curious about the obstacles in the way of getting you where you want to go and building that self awareness and building the self compassion and you will learn to have more compassion for others, have better communication because if you don’t have the self awareness you can’t really communicate effectively. So have the communication, feel more empowered to identify that next step and to take the next step. So, so it’s. All of these things are linked and some people, it’s like I don’t want to, this is the thing that’s most present for me. I’m having a really emotional reaction to that. But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I want to talk about these tasks that I need to do and I’m like we’re going to get to the tasks. Like don’t you worry, we’re going to do the tasks. But if this is the obstacle that’s in the way right now, we need to, we need to get curious about it. It may have the answer within it or we may just need to deal with it so it can take a step back and so you can do the things that you need to do. But I am not like I don’t have a 10 step process and a workbook for everybody to do. It’s very individual. What are you bringing to me? What’s going on for you? We’re going to work with that and uncover what the things are that are really important to you. What are the steps that you need to take or you would like to take.

Wendy Valentine: Right.

Deborah Donenfeld: Where is it that you want to go? Because you may come and not know where you want to go. You just know that you’re upset about where you are. Okay, right. Feel that. Let’s be in that and then the rest will emerge. So it’s kind of an organic process.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Like when you’re going through major changes in life. I mean, it can be difficult and overwhelming. I know for me, like, I kind of went into freeze mode for a while. I was like, I don’t know what to say exactly.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah, exactly. Oh, I think that’s so, that’s so normal. And I think it’s normal that when you have a lot of things going on, or let’s say you have one big thing going on that is just that it’s overwhelming in and of itself. All of a sudden, all the other little challenges that you would normally be able to just deal with, you can’t deal with them either. Right. You just. And, and then you can’t even identify which is the biggest problem because they just all seem so big and then it’s insurmountable and you can’t take a step. So I like to work on removing what I like to call, like the biggest rock in the backpack. Like you’ve got a backpack on with a lot of rocks. Let’s, let’s work on identifying what’s the biggest one. And then we’re going to remove that and then maybe we’re going to go to the next biggest one and the next. Or maybe some of those other ones will just sort of fall away. They’re not really problems.

Wendy Valentine: I was just going to say that sometimes you’ll remove one big rock and some other pebbles fall out with it because they’re somehow connected. You know what I mean?

Deborah Donenfeld: That’s right. Yeah. Or suddenly you just feel like, all right, well, that’s an issue, but I can handle it. I have, you know, either now I have the tools or it just doesn’t seem so overwhelming anymore.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. Yeah. You think it might be an issue, but then it just kind of fades like. Oh yeah, you forget about it.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right, that’s right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did have a client early on who came to me trying to decide if he wanted to retire or not.

Deborah Donenfeld: And. But then he had all these others and should I move? And I don’t know what’s going on with my marriage. And there were all of these other issues. And when we kind of identified the retirement issue as being like the thing that we needed to work on now, and he decided to retire and he moved for all those other issues. He just, he was like, I don’t need to move. Why do I need to move? I’m happy here. And things with my wife are even better now. And all of these other questions that he has.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, one thing at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I think especially for women, like, we love to multitask, like trying to do everything all at once. I tried that and then I had burnout. I was like, okay, okay, let’s just focus on, one thing. Get a job. Like that was my one thing.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right, Got that.

Wendy Valentine: And then naturally other things started to. I didn’t like, okay, why am I going to sit here and worry about the debt that I have to pay off? I have the job now. I will just keep working my a** off and get that debt paid off. Like, and then it just kind of is like domino effect. You hit the domino and step by step.

Deborah Donenfeld: And it’s important to congratulate yourself with every domino. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, okay, I did it. I did this thing. Because it’s very easy to say, okay, well, now that’s out of the way. But now I’ve got this other problem. Right.

Let’s shift the focus to what you did. How great it is that you achieved that

Let’s shift the focus to what you did. How great it is that you were able to achieve that, how hard you worked.

Deborah Donenfeld: And that you did it.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Deborah Donenfeld: And now you can move on. Right. We forget to celebrate.

Wendy Valentine: We. Yeah, we do forget to like, pat ourselves on the back.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yes, for sure.

Wendy Valentine: I actually, it’s so funny, literally, with, every single episode that I, that I publish, that I have this list, all these things I have to, I mean, the list is, I mean, just for one episode to go out.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right.

Wendy Valentine: And at the very bottom of the list it says, pat yourself on the back. I’ll be sitting here at my kitchen day when I’m like, yeah, like I make sure I did it. Yeah, I know. But yeah, it’s good. Yes. Yeah. Especially when you’re going through something that’s so challenging. We should be patting ourselves on the back. Something that’s emotional and difficult to go through.

Deborah Donenfeld: And sometimes for even taking the small step.

Deborah Donenfeld: Because some, you know. How are you going to take a bigger step if you’re not even willing to. To celebrate the fact that you took a small step.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. Yeah. This is so good. I see. I love Breakdown to breakthrough stories. I do. Just listen to those all the time.

Deborah Donenfeld: It’s just encouraging.

Wendy Valentine: Right?

Deborah Donenfeld: Like.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: like these, these things we can go. We can do hard things, we can come through hard things. We can, we can get to the other side. Look at all these people who did it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, right.

Deborah Donenfeld: I’m not, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. you can walk through the BlackBerry bush. You can, you can do.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh, and I patted myself in the back on the other side. Of that, I’ll tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: It gives us hope, right? Like when, when I, that’s why I love hearing other people’s stories because it does give you hope. Like, okay, Deborah did it, Wendy did it. So.

Wendy Valentine: And so did it. Okay, we can, I can do this, I can do that.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh, that’s what I was going to say. That it was like when I was pregnant I kept saying and like freaking out a little bit about what birth was going to be like and I kept saying to myself, like all these other women have done it. Like women since the beginning of time have done this. I can do it too. Yes. I can do it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah. And plus you end up, I mean for me, I’ve even attracted a new tribe into my life of new like people I’ve met on the show or people on social media. Like, it’s amazing when you do change your life, it’s. If you don’t have a good support system, you’ll get one. Because all of a sudden like the photosynthesis or the heliotropic effect, you start like it just, you’ll attract like, like attracts like. Right. So you’ll, you’ll attract all these light beautiful beings into your life. That you’ll have this new support system or even a better support system which.

Deborah Donenfeld: Is great of people who have gone through what you’re going through, going through it at the same time and you can sort of walk together through this fire.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where can we find you?

Deborah Donenfeld: So you can find me on my website, which is Photosynthesis coaching dot com. how else can you find me? I’m on Instagram, Same thing, Photosynthesis. yeah, those are basically the main places to find me. And you can send me an email through my website and then you’ve.

Wendy offers a 45 minute consult for free for anybody interested

Wendy Valentine: Got consultations that you provide, you’ve got packages, all that good stuff.

Deborah Donenfeld: Okay, yeah, so I, I provide a 45 minute consult for free for anybody who’s like wanting to explore and see what this is all about. So even just in that you’ll get a lot of value, I think out of that. And if you don’t, then you’ll know that I’m not the right person for you. Yeah, no, not at all. I mean, we’re not a match. We’re not a match. But I try to. That’s why I give 45 minutes because I want you to feel like you’re giving, you’re giving your time as well as I’m giving my time and I Want you to feel like you’re coming away with it, away from it with something. So. So yeah, I do offer a 45 minute consult and generally, the, the people that I work with are. I’m seeing weekly. So that’s the main package. And I do sometimes do workshops and have groups. But right now I’m focusing on the one on one.

Wendy Valentine: One on one coaching, which is great. I love having a coach. I had a co. Like when I went going through my tough time and divorce, the whole thing. I had a goddess coach. I had a life coach. And yeah, I got his coach and then I had a business coach. I mean, so yeah. And the therapist. Like I created a whole team of people.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah. oh yeah, me too.

Wendy Valentine: I think it’s to the other side.

Deborah Donenfeld: It’s important. I mean, I feel like for me personally, yeah, I always want to have a coach. I have a coach right now. I feel like I will always have a coach because it’s just, you know, when do I want to stop growing? I’m not sure. Like probably never. This is a lifelong proposition.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You know, it’s nice to be able to tell somebody, you know, like, what you’re going through and then to get a different perspective. Because sometimes we’re so close to our problems we can’t see the solution.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah, that’s right. And I, I think that also when we’re talking to loved ones, friends and family, they’re so invested and it’s causing them so much pain to see us in pain that they end up wanting to fix our problem and give us solutions that may feel good to them but aren’t necessarily the right thing for us. So to talk to somebody who, you know, obviously if you work with them, they’re going to care about you. But they don’t. But it’s a different relationship and they’re going to hopefully call you on things. They’re going to reflect back to you what they’re hearing you say, which I find sometimes you don’t hear what you say.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: Say something and then when somebody says it back to you, you’re like, did I, I said that? Really? Yeah. So. And then that becomes sort of significant. So that’s really important. And to ask you the questions.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Deborah Donenfeld: That your family and friends aren’t going to necessarily ask. right. They’re just going to step in and fix it.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Deborah Donenfeld: And the coach is going to ask you the questions to help you come to the right answer for yourself.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Love it.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: So much. You’ve been great.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you so much. This has been really fun.

Wendy Valentine: And come to Madera.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yes, I would love to. I would love to. All right. I’m gonna have to talk to my kids about that and figure that vacation out. Yeah, for sure.

Wendy Valentine: Actually, I’m hoping 2026 that I’ll start teaching retreats here, so.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh, wow. Yeah, wow.

Wendy Valentine: I know. There’s also another place in, south of Lisbon on the mainland. It’s called Cocoon, Portugal. You’ll have to look it up. It’s like. Okay, so either here in Madeira or over there. But, yeah, I’ll start teaching retreats. I gotta get through the book first, and then we’ll do retreats. One thing.

Deborah Donenfeld: Right? Well, it also makes sense to have the book. Yeah, done. And then. And then do the retreat using the book kind of, as leverage. And see, though the old.

Wendy Valentine: The old Wendy would have been so overwhelmed, I would have done none of it. Honest to goodness. And now I’m like, okay, we’ll just do one project at a time and we’ll get there when I get there.

Deborah Donenfeld: Yeah. Good for you.

Wendy: Awesome. Awesome. And you’re doing life approach and business approach

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And you’re doing life approach and business approach. But thank you so much. You’ve been great.

Deborah Donenfeld: Oh, thank you so much, Wendy. It’s been really. And I’ll chat with you.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I’ll leave all the links in the show notes and all that good stuff and including the 45 minute free consultation, because I think that’s awesome.

Deborah Donenfeld: Okay. Awesome. Thank you.

Wendy Valentine: All right, everyone, have a great day.