Meet Debbie Weiss with over 60 years of wisdom and a life story

Wendy Valentine: Hello, midlife warrior. On today’s episode of, the Midlife Makeover Show, I’m thrilled to introduce someone who embodies resilience, positivity, and the art of turning life’s challenges into opportunities. Meet Debbie Weiss with over 60 years of wisdom and a life story that will inspire you to chase your dreams. Oh, yes. Debbie is a best selling author, speaker, and host of the maybe I Can podcast. I love that name. And here’s some exciting news. Debbie’s newest book, the Sprinkle Effect, a guide to creating a more colorful and fulfilling life, is set to be released this month on 11 11. Paired with a workbook to empower you to live your most vibrant life yet. Today, we’re diving into her game changing life formula. E plus R equals O. I want to know. Get ready to learn how you can shape your life and make the most out of any situation. Let’s sprinkle some inspiration into our day, Debbie style.

Please welcome Debbie to the show. First of all, I was so impressed with your strength

Please welcome Debbie to the show.

Debbie Weiss: Oh, my goodness. Wendy. I love that. I love that intro. I need to take that and steal that from you.

Wendy Valentine: You know what, it’s so funny. I have a lot of guests that will say that I was like, maybe I’ll just start doing that for people. I just record like a nice little intro and you listen. Like your alarm clock goes off and you listen to that and it be.

Debbie Weiss: Like, welcome, You’ve got a gift there.

Wendy Valentine: I actually was the host of Shark, Tank in Virginia. And so I just love introducing people. Jill of all trades, I tell you, that’s it.

Debbie Weiss: Jill of all trades, man, you, you’ve got all the phrases. I’m in awe.

Wendy Valentine: It’s so nice to have you here. And I tell you, I was reading your about page on your website. First of all, I was so impressed and I just admire your strength. And you’ve got to just have like the biggest heart in the world.

The day after you graduated from high school, your father had a stroke

But take us back to that one day that, as you say, it changed your life forever. I guess it was the day after, you graduated from high school.

Debbie Weiss: You were, boy, you do your homework. Yes, it was the day after I graduated from high school. You know how, like, you have those moments and every detail is still in your mind? Like, I could picture where I was. Oh, it’s a whole backstory. But the day after I graduated from high school, my father, who was just days of churning 46, had a massive stroke and survived, but became permanently disabled. And that did change the course of my life. My parents, wound up divorcing and I became My dad’s caregiver for the remaining 30 years of his life.

Wendy Valentine: Wow. How did, how did. Well, I mean, it had to have changed your life tremendously. So tell us a little bit more about that, how it changed your life. Your relationships, your, your private time, your your career. Everything.

Debbie Weiss: Everything. It did. You know, I was always daddy’s little girl. I have a brother, so I’m, I’m the only daughter in the family. And you know, I don’t think I gave enough thought to the fact that even though I became my father’s caregiver and he was alive, he wasn’t the same guy. And I, I lost my dad in a way at a young age. You know, the age that we are now, or maybe a little younger. We expect to be taking care of our parents. Right. That’s what we do. But you don’t expect that in your early twenties.

Debbie Weiss: And you know, it kind of changed my college experience and then it changed every step, step of my life. Where was I going to live if I moved somewhere? I had to figure out a place for my dad. Money was an issue, so it wasn’t like I could just bring him anywhere. I learned about Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security at 25, you know, where again, who, what other 25 year old needs to know about that kind of stuff? And over time I became resentful of the responsibility, I hate to say a burden, but it did, it felt like a burden. And I watched my friends live their lives unencumbered, you know, at that stage in the 20s and 30s. And it really started me feeling sorry for myself and why me? And even though I would never change the fact that I took care of him, I, I didn’t handle, I would handle things differently, because I became resentful and you know, I showed up a lot of times being short with him and angry and you know, I was just always a ball of stress.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mean, you think about it, I mean, you were probably what, 18 at the time?

Debbie Weiss: I guess actually 17. I’m 17th birthday. Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: So 17 years old. And here, what, what did you have planned before that happened? Like, okay, I’m graduating from high school and now I’m going to go do this.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, I mean, I’m going, I was going away to college. M. And at the time I also had a serious boyfriend. And the idea of like leaving my boyfriend was devastating. He was going to school three hours away from where I was going to be and leaving my father when I knew I, I Just knew in my heart, you know, nobody can take care of him like I could.

Debbie Weiss: You know, my mother just, she just is not the same type of nurturer, I guess I would say. Not that she wasn’t going to have a roof over his head and like do all the right things for sure, you know, she’s not kicking the man out on the street, nothing like that. Right. so I did go away and I had a lot of trouble acclimating because I was just so concerned with what was going on at home. in October, he had some kind of experimental surgery to try and re. Connect, the blood flow in his brain. And you know, it was major brain surgery. And my mom wouldn’t let me come home. And I was furious and devastated all at the same time. Of course now, years later, I look back and I understand why she made those decisions because she didn’t want my life to be changed, you know. But in the end, I wound up convincing her that I just can’t do it. I can’t stay away. And I left that school, I came home, I commuted to a, local university and I did that for about a year and a half. And, and then at that point I realized, you know, I’m not having the same college experience. It was a university that I went to, but I was a commuter, you know, I was not. I would just go, go to my classes and leave. I was not involved in the, in the community. And I did then decide for my last two years to transfer and go away to another university to have that college experience.

Wendy Valentine: And I’m sure you probably had that kind of like tug of war in your, in your mind and in your heart, like, should, like feeling guilty for being here, guilty not being there. It’s like.

Debbie Weiss: Absolutely. Oh my gosh. So, so definitely true. And then my mom kind of waited until I graduated and that’s when they got divorced and she found a place for him to live and m. you know, that was it. Then they were divorced and. And he was mine.

Wendy Valentine: He was it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Wow.

You were a caregiver for your dad before your husband passed away

So. And then how long, how long did you take care of your dad?

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, I mean, he passed away. it was, it was 30. It was almost 30 years. I mean, he lived about 30 years from the day of the stroke, literally.

Wendy Valentine: Wow. Oh man. Interesting. I mean, there’s a lot to, lot to unpack there and I’m sure it’s been a lot for you to unpack and maybe you still are.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, I mean, you know, I think we all Right. I mean, as we evolve, we’re all kind of trying to figure out, well, why am I like this? And where did that come from? And like I said, I don’t think I really gave enough thought to the fact that I lost my father.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: You know, and that’s a big deal. You know, you still need a dad when you’re 17. You know, I look at my kids, who I. I had late in life.

Debbie Weiss: And my husband passed away. Now it’s almost two years ago, and right now they’re only 23 and 21. So they lost their father at the same age that I did. Except, you know, obviously my dad was still alive and theirs isn’t.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Oh gosh.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: How do you, how was that? I mean, handling the loss of your husband versus your dad? how is that different for you or even similar?

Debbie Weiss: Well, I wound up being a caregiver for my husband as well. He suffered from a variety of physical and mental illness and he and I work together. I have an insurance agency. And he and I, you know, started it together. And one day he just walked out and said, I’m done. Not with our marriage, but with working m. And he couldn’t even, you know, he had piles and he had serious adhd. He had piles and piles of papers. And I said, well, you’ve got to tell me what to do with all this stuff. And he said, I can’t. I said, well, I’ll bring it home. You don’t have to come to the office. Nope, I’m done. I can’t. And I thought, okay. He had been changing and physically as well as mentally. And I thought, all right, maybe he’ll, quote, unquote, retire and that stress will be gone and he’ll kind of be back to his old self at home.

Debbie Weiss: And unfortunately that never happened. And so he was unable to function pretty much in every way. He had a bunch of physical problems. And so I was his caregiver. My dad had already passed away. Our oldest son, was originally diagnosed on the autism spectrum when he was 2. And so as a parent, of course you’re a caregiver, but when you have a child with special needs, that kind of kicks it up a notch or two or three. And he also suffers from some mental illness, my son. And so I kind of had like him at the same time as my husband. And then of course, my husband kind of left me high and dry at my office. And it was, I have to say, for me, dealing with the mental illness side much More difficult than the physical. And while all of this is going on out of the blue. Well, first let me say so my husband wound up in a pretty deep depression. Long story short, he was hospitalized for depression, which wasn’t easy to have happen because he wasn’t a willing participant. He comes out of the hospitalization like a different person. Back almost to how he was as a person. You know, happy and upbeat and just a, new lease on life. And we all felt so hopeful for the first time in years. Six weeks later he gets diagnosed with incurable blood cancer.

Wendy Valentine: Oh.

Debbie Weiss: it was like really, really? How, how, why now? You know, and he only lived for six months from that diagnosis. So.

How did you overcome that resentment that might have compounded over the years

Wendy Valentine: You know what I find so, fascinating with you is that I think with anybody, Right. If we experience something horrible in our life, you have one or two choices most of the time. You either make the best of it or you make the worst of it.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And you chose with every single situation, like, okay, let’s pull up our bootstraps, let’s get back at it. Do the best that I can. So I admire you for that because a lot of people would choose that other pathway and they would crumble right down with everybody else. Right. How did you. Because I know you mentioned before about the resentment. How did you overcome that resentment that might have even compounded over the years with all of the other situations?

Debbie Weiss: Yeah. So one, thank you for saying that. But I did it, but I was doing it and did carry resentment and felt like a victim. I felt like in my life this would happen and then this was hap. You know, I, I also struggled with infertility and that was like years of, of that. And I’ve always had a weight problem and it’s like one thing after another after another. And I, I had that horrible comparison problem where I was always looking at other people and saying, look at them. They don’t have this problem. Their life looks so easy. And this is before social media and I realized I was, Even though I was doing the things and I was resilient and on the outside I, I have always had an upbeat type of personality and that was still there. But on the inside, the way I was talking to myself was what was me?

Debbie Weiss: And so yes, I was resilient, but I was not showing up as my best self and I was the one who was suffering and so were the people that I was taking care of because like I said earlier, I would be kind of short tempered and that kind of thing. It really wasn’t until my 50s or turning 50 for me was like, whoa, 50, how’d I get here? Chances are I have less time in front of me than I do behind me. And that whole idea of mortality motivation struck me hard around that time with the idea that I don’t want to get to the end of my life looking back and saying what happened, woulda, shoulda, coulda, you know, and I watched my father always, you know, have a lot of regrets. And I think my mother does as well. I don’t want that. We get one shot at this. And it was then that I really started to change, to change everything about the way I thought.

Wendy Valentine: And yeah, I mean, that’s really where it all starts.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. Yep, Yep.

Wendy Valentine: It, was me. Yes, exactly.

Debbie Weiss: Wasn’t everybody else. That was the thing. Like, and we’ll get to the E R equals O. That like the realization of, you know, I’m thinking, oh, this happened to me and this and this and this, like, poor me, why me? Blah, blah. Okay, Everybody has stuff.

Debbie Weiss: This isn’t a contest. My stuff might be worse than yours, and yours might be worse. Like, none of that matters. Nobody gets through this life unscathed. And each of us decides how we want to live it.

Wendy Valentine: Yep.

Debbie Weiss: And I, again, on the outside was upbeat, but on the inside, I was not living my best life. And it all came down to the fact that I was responsible for that, not anybody else and not any of these circumstances that happened.

Wendy Valentine: It’s amazing how, how our souls will kind of like try to tell us, hey, you know, wake up here, you need to. And then finally it’s screaming like, okay, enough already. And, and sometimes like, you need that wake up just to snap you out of it.

Number one regret of the dying is that they live life for others

I can’t think of the name of the author, but the, the book where she talks about the, the top regrets of the dying.

Debbie Weiss: Yes.

Wendy Valentine: It’s.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, like Bonnie something.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. Bonnie something.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: But number, number one regret of the dying is that they live life for everybody else.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: And not for themselves. And I’m sure for you, it’s like you were doing all the things for everybody else to make sure everybody else was happy and healthy. And on the outside you were happy, but on the inside you were crumbling yourself.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: What, what, what were the biggest limiting beliefs that you had to conquer once you kind of hit that peak where you’re like, I’ve got to change my thinking and my. How I, how I act and how I feel. And what, what were your, your big ones that you really had to tackle?

Debbie Weiss: I would say that maybe it’s too. I’m too old.

Debbie Weiss: What?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: What other skills do I have? You know, I’ve had two careers in my life in, you know, however long I’ve been working. One of them for 10 years, one of them for almost 30 years. So what else am I good at? What is my, you know, just how do you reinvent yourself at this stage of life? And I, I think so many of us feel that way. It’s like, well, I’m done, aren’t I? Done?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: What do I do now? What am I, you know, I don’t know what I want. You know, for me, I think that was. Even though it’s not a limiting belief, it was, it was like I didn’t have some pent up dream or desire. Like I don’t know what I want to change. I just know I want something to change, something more. But I had no idea what it was and if I was truly capable of getting it.

Wendy Valentine: M. It’s almost like, like the name of your book, the Sprinkle Effect. You were really good at sprinkling out here, but then you had to start sprinkling. And I mean, I think it’s very common for women actually. We’re, we’re, we’re caregivers. We give birth to, we’re taking care of the children and we take care of everybody. And then you wake up one day and go, oh my God, I forgot to put the oxygen mask on myself.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly, yeah.

Wendy Valentine: And it sneaks up on you.

Debbie Weiss: It does. I think to myself, d***, why couldn’t I have realized this when I was 30?

Wendy Valentine: I know, I know. So tell us, tell us more about the book, about the Sprinkle Effect.

Never in my entire life was there any inkling that I wanted to be an author

Debbie Weiss: So I originally. So let me just say that in this whole journey where I said, I, I don’t know what I want to do and all of that, and it’s, it’s a long road that led me here, but never in my entire life was there one inkling thought that I ever wanted to be an author. Never. As a matter of fact, it was just the opposite in college. I would like, you know, when I’m registering, look at the syllabus. Is there a paper due? Do you have to do a big paper for this class? I’m not taking that class. Then like, so that’s how much. It wasn’t a dream of mine. And I wound up actually writing my first book, which is my memoir, while my husband was dying.

Wendy Valentine: Wow.

Debbie Weiss: Not planned that way, but, it just kind of happened. And I Listened to the little whispers in my head and took the plunge. Never thought that I was actually going to do it. I, I wrote it while with a, small group of women who we all were taking this 12 week course for people who never wrote a book and were looking to get their story out there. And through that experience I discovered I enjoyed it. And when I had to write or when I wrote the memoir, I had to make a conscious decision of what did I want the structure and the message of the book to be? Did I want it to be like, okay, here’s my story and now I’m going to tell you what I learned from that. And I decided, no, it’s just 30 plus stories that all together is inspirational, hopefully inspirational when you read it. And so then the feedback was, well, wait a second, what’d you do? Why’d you change, like what happened between 50 and 60 to, you know, get you where you are today? And that’s what the sprinkle effect is. It’s, different little sprinkles of things that I’ve sprinkled into my life that together have created the change or the journey that I’m still on and will all be on forever. So it’s a sprinkle of. Some of the sprinkles are a sprinkle of mindset, a sprinkle of belief, discipline, action, resilience, joy, curiosity, connectivity, those kinds of things.

Wendy Valentine: Isn’t that cool though, that when you start to, when you put that oxygen mask on yourself and sprinkle things into your own life, then it does, It’s a ripple effect. And it, naturally we always think it’s like we have to give first to others and then we get. No, it’s actually when you take care of yourself and you. Yeah. Then it, it, it is a ripple effect. It’s like a butterfly effect that can affect other people in their lives.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly, exactly. For the longest time, I thought it was selfish. I thought doing anything, putting myself first was selfish, but it’s, it really is just the opposite. And what kind of example do you want to be for your children?

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Debbie Weiss: You know, and, and when I relieve that stress, of, you know, I, of not ever taking care of myself, then I show up as a better person, a better mother, a better, you know, whatever, boss, team member, whatever it is. So it’s a win, win.

Wendy Valentine: I’ve talked about this, quote a few times on the show, but Steve Jobs, when he said, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. And so it is interesting to look back at those dots in your life and like, well, I mean, do you think you would have become an author if all of this had not happened for you?

Debbie Weiss: No way. No way. Not a chance. Literally, like I said, never a thought. And I also never would have done it if I didn’t get out of my comfort zone.

Debbie Weiss: Because. And, and that’s part of why my first book is called On Second Thought. Maybe I can.

Writing can be very intimidating, especially in a writing group

Because you put something, asked me to do something. My I am not a risk taker by nature. So my first answer is always no, not a chance. And it could be something simple like you want to learn how to ice skate. You know, it’s not, has to be something big, but I would always say no. And over the last decade or so I’ve learned that if I just wait a second, like still no might be my first response. But if you just wait a second and be like, well, wait a second on, second thought, well, why can’t I give that a try?

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

Debbie Weiss: And when you do, that’s when everything changes. Because I was scared out of my mind to join this group. I had so many limiting beliefs. I’m going to write. I don’t know how to write. I’m going to read it. They’re all going to make fun of me. They’re going to think like you, I don’t know if you remember, like, you know, C D*** run books. They’re going to think that’s what it’s like. I mean, I was, I was like dying.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Writing can be very intimidating, especially in a writing group. It’s like, oh my gosh, like I’ve been to summer. Like, oh, I can’t write like that. Like the ones that describe a tree and like 50 words, I’m like, I would be like, that’s a tree period. Right.

Debbie Weiss: Me too, me too. But you know what, Then I realized because like I’m comparing myself to, you know, I don’t know, literature. Right. writers who write like that. And what I realized is I don’t like to read that. And I thought about what I’d like to read and I realized, well then there must be other people who want to read like that. You know, my, when I write, it’s just me talking to you on, on paper. Yeah, it sounds the same.

Wendy Valentine: And nobody has your story from your perspective. Nobody.

Debbie Weiss: No.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah. And I think that that is. Talk about limiting beliefs. That was the hardest thing. Oh, is my story good enough? You know, it’s not some Crazy horrible story where I, I lost a limb and I was, you know, kidnapped for five years. Like thank God it’s not that story. But then, you know, I had to say, well wait a second. On second thought, how many people can relate to that story?

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: Not many, thank goodness.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: But more can maybe relate to regular kind of you know, life challenges.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, exactly. I always say like we’re especially the people that I’ve had on the show where we are our own guinea pigs. Right. We ah, we have like we learn, we teach what we learn, we learn what we teach. Like it’s in that it. I think the key is too. It’s like yes, it’s your story, but you don’t make it. All of you like you to be in the story, but not of the story. If that makes sense.

Debbie Weiss: Yep.

Wendy Valentine: You know, like you don’t wear it like a, A proud badge. It’s. Yes, this is my story. But I love the sprinkle effect because of this is what I did. I sprinkled this throughout in order for me to end up over here because you could have not. You could have. Like I said before, you could have not. You could have just said, oh my God, what was me? Where, where?

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, this is it. It’s too late. What am I gonna do? I don’t even know what I want to do. So, you know, it’s over.

You wrote your book while your husband was diagnosed with mental illness

Wendy Valentine: I noticed you said earlier one of them with the sprinkles was Action M. Yeah, tell me about that.

Debbie Weiss: Well, I think, I think really my best example is writing the book while my husband was dying because, you know, it required I, I actually, luckily I have an amazing team of women at insurance office. And when Gary was diagnosed, you know, they were like, don’t you worry about a thing. And for six months I barely worked.

Debbie Weiss: They handled everything. So I was with him, you know, 24 hours a day. And like I said, the mental illness side, the depression and the anxiety was much harder to deal with than the physical. And I said, you know what? I, well, let me go back a little bit. I was going to take this course, I was thinking about it and then he was diagnosed. And at the time I was seeing a therapist and I said to the therapist, I’m even embarrassed that I’m even bringing it up at a time like this, like what’s wrong with me? Obviously I can’t do this, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she said, I completely disagree. You need something separate from everything that’s going on. And I said, well, what If I can’t make it to the group one week because of, you know, what’s happening and what if I don’t do the homework and you know, all, all of the excuses that run through your mind. And she said, who cares? And I thought, yeah, I guess so. Like, why am I holding myself to this standard? Like, I still have to be an A student.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah, that, you know, that was my mentality. And so once I started and it was very, very difficult, but once I did, I realized that she was right. That the having this idea that maybe I could do this.

Wendy Valentine: Maybe you can.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. Just the thought of it. And I knew, given my circumstances and anybody’s circumstances. Right. Because we all have so many things that we have to do, it wasn’t going to happen unless I took purposeful action.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: And so I would plan every day a time to write. Whether I woke up and wrote at 6 o’clock in the morning, whether it was, you know, in the afternoon, whether I brought my stuff to the hospital. And when he went down for a test, I was writing, I was just making sure it happened and not using anything as an excuse. And you know, we plan, we, we dream, we make vision boards, like, we do all the things right, but in the end, you gotta do something, you.

Wendy Valentine: Gotta take some action, you gotta get off the couch and do something. Yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying, especially like the sprinkles, because I was in a slump for when I went through all of my trauma. And, and I mean, I can still picture myself sitting on that couch. So much so that there was like a dip in the couch because I think so much, even though I was like, well, but I’m journaling, you know, or I’m reading, so therefore this is okay. But I still was not taking action. And I was almost like waiting to become this confident, courageous woman that would do all those things that I, in the back of my mind would dream about. But then I thought, well, how I have to become her. And I, might as well. And I’ll never forget my Aunt Annie. She said, darling, you always wanted to be an actress. She said, just start acting like the woman you want to become. And I was like, oh, okay. I, was like. And then I started thinking about that, like, how would, how would that, that woman act? That is courageous. How does she walk? How does she eat? How does she talk? And I just started acting like, what the h***, what do I got to lose?

Debbie Weiss: M. Exactly. Oh my gosh, I love that which it’s. It is so true. It is so true. And. And the thing is, is that I think we get overwhelmed because we think we have to do something big.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: And. And it. Or perfect.

Wendy Valentine: Or perfect.

Debbie Weiss: Or perfect. And honestly, every success that I’ve had thus far is just because I started taking small, consistent action.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: Added up over time. Honestly. And it seems so small. And you do a little something. You know, it’s like, hm, in the writing, I only wrote for 10 minutes. What’s 10 minutes?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, exactly.

Debbie Weiss: But you know what? It adds up. And. And just being in that practice of doing it, you know. Now all of a sudden, I mean, I couldn’t even write for 10 minutes because I had no idea what the heck I was supposed to put on the stupid paper.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: And then the next thing you know, it’s like, oh, I just did that for 20 minutes and I didn’t even realize, you know, and it. It’s a snowball effect.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes just doing those little things can make such a big difference. And it could be. I mean, we sometimes get excited, like, oh, my God, I cleaned up the spice drawer the other day. Like, yeah, whatever it is, just do something. And I feel for me, I. I got kind of stuck about what I want to do. Like, am I going to become a writer and be a speaker? I’m going to do this, I’m going to do that. Maybe I’ll open up a pastry shop. I was all over the place.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Sometimes we’re afraid of failing. I think sometimes we are waiting for that

Wendy Valentine: And then I was trying to find the one thing, and I was like, why don’t I just start, like you said to start taking action. And I just kept kind of picking up the pebbles along the way. And then it just led me to the next place and the next place. Just like the Steve Jobs and the connecting the dots. Right?

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: I just kept going and going and going. And I think sometimes we are waiting for that. Oh, here’s the destination. No, maybe it’s not. Like, you don’t have to have it all figured out. You figure it out as you go along.

Debbie Weiss: Absolutely. Absolutely. I have, Yeah. Changed. And don’t know. And reassess.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: But, you know, but just like anything, if you hadn’t had that experience, then you wouldn’t have known. Like, oh, maybe that’s not for me. Okay, let me go now. I know that. Let me. You know, it’s like, exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: And.

Wendy Valentine: And it’s giving yourself permission to pivot. Right. If something. You try something, you’re like, maybe you tried the writing. You’re like, ah, the heck with this. Fine. Not a big deal. Whatever it is, you just try it, and if you like it, great. If not, it’s okay.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. Exactly. I think I know that we’re afraid of failing. And it, you know, I still, because I have to say, my friends and family that don’t really get it, they’re like, so, when are you going to be done with all this, this hobby of yours? Yeah, when are you going to be done? Are you making money? Are you making a lot of money? Well. Well, then, aren’t you done? Yeah, no, no, it’s not just about money. Yeah. at all.

Wendy Valentine: No.

Debbie Weiss: You know, and they don’t understand. And so, you know, that is one of the other things that I’ve really learned is that I’ve got to be around people who think. Like, I think.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: Because if I’m only around these naysayers, they’re going to get to me.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: You know, they do put doubt, like, yeah, what’s wrong with me? Like, you know, is anybody actually listening to me? Is anybody really want to read my book? Like, maybe they’re right. You know, And. And then when I’m around people like you.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: Like, here’s my people. This is why I do it. because we were meant to go out there and share our stories. Because if anybody listening says, oh, well, they did it. Why can’t I give this a little try?

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: Then, that’s all it was about, is helping other people.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You. You. You end up attracting a new tribe, which is fun. Whenever you, you know, go try something new, you do attract a new tribe, which is exciting. I think.

Debbie Weiss: It is. It is. And.

Midlife can be the best, best time in our lives, for sure

And sometimes I look and I’m like, oh, well, look at how boring their lives are, you know? And, like, is. This is coming on your podcast? Does this work? Yeah, this is not work. This is awesome.

Wendy Valentine: I love it.

Debbie Weiss: Why would I. This.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. You know what I want to go back to? I love the name of your podcast. Maybe I can. Because. And I thought about this earlier because a lot of times was like, yes, I can, where you’re kind of forcing it. It doesn’t feel natural. And if you say, no, I can’t, then it’s like, oh, gosh. Well, but maybe I can. I kind of think of it as a door. Yes, I can. The door is completely wide open, and that can be scary. Like, oh, my gosh. The. No, I can’t. The door is completely closed. And maybe I can. It’s just. It’s open just Enough for you to peek and go, oh, hey, that doesn’t. Maybe I can do that. You know?

Debbie Weiss: Exactly.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I mean, I think for midlife especially, it is. It is a great, wonderful maybe chapter in life. Maybe I’ll try this, Maybe I’ll try that. Maybe, like, it’s so. I think it’s the most magical chapter in life so far. I haven’t, you know, we’ll see what I think when I’m in my 60s and 70s.

Debbie Weiss: But, yeah, I totally, totally agree. I totally agree now. I mean, I’m 61 now, and when I hear people turning 50 and they’re, you know, oh, my God, I’m 50. And of course, that’s how I felt. I was like, oh, no, this is awesome.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: And you’ve got to make it awesome. But it can be, and I agree with you, the best, best time in our lives, for sure.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: We’ve got the wisdom now. You just have to be courageous enough to take the steps and, open up the door. Because you know what? And this is something that I’ve realized in life, looking back. Right. Connecting the dots. I always knew, like, you feel it inside. You know, you feel that little bit of excitement. Like, oh, wouldn’t that be so cool if I could do that? May. Maybe I can. You know, and it, It’s. It’s so easy to talk ourselves out of it.

Wendy Valentine: Oh, of course.

Debbie Weiss: Right. It is just so easy. But we can’t. I mean, I, you know, writing the book, looking, for different quotes and Thomas Edison, and this is not a quote, but basically said it took him 10,000. You know, you. He failed 10,000 times right before he actually invented the light bulb.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: But instead he looked at it as, Now I know 10,000 ways. You know, that won’t work. Like, I gain knowledge from all of these things.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: So even if you do flop on your face.

Wendy Valentine: Yep.

Debbie Weiss: No difference. And you should be proud of yourself.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. And that’s it right there. You’re. You’re gaining the knowledge along the way.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah.

Wendy Valentine: You’re learning what you like, what you don’t like, what works and what doesn’t work. And you still have an opportunity. If you’re breathing and you’re listening right now, then you still have an opportunity to do something.

Debbie Weiss: Yeah. For sure.

When you do that, your attitude about your life changes dramatically

And everything. It’s just amazing that when you do start doing that, you wake up feeling hopeful and excited, you know, about the prospect of this opportunity or whatever it is. It’s a m. Very different life because your attitude about your life changes. At least for me, I don’t want to say it was drudgery, but, you know, maybe a little bit of drudgery. You know, day, same thing every day, wake up, go through the same checklist to do list, just, you know, different place I have to go or whatever it is. And now to wake up. And yeah, I still have those dumb things on my to do list that they’re not going away, but yet I look at my calendar and I see I’m gonna talk to you today. You know, and I’m psyched for that. And it’s just a whole different energy.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah, I mean, we truly do create the life that we want.

Debbie Weiss: Yep.

Wendy Valentine: Right. I mean, we have to at some point, take responsibility and go, okay, this is. I choose my thoughts, my, my actions, my behaviors, my habits. It’s up to me. And you can change it at any moment.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. So, you know, when you come to that realization, sometimes you can look back and be like, oh, oh no. Well, I guess all of that was my fault. But instead it’s like, oh, no. And I’m going to tell you my favorite quote that I. That everybody knows. But I never understood the real meaning until four years ago from wizard of Oz, Glinda, the Good Witch who said, you’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself. And I thought she meant like Dorothy, you could have clicked your heels and gone home. Which, yeah, she meant that.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: But, all of us have our. We have the power, but we just don’t realize it. We’re giving our power away to everyone else. And so the idea that it is our responsibility, our lives, is empowering because it’s like, oh, I get to make it up from here.

What do you think is the greatest lesson you learn about yourself and about life

Wendy Valentine: What do you think is the greatest lesson you learn about yourself and about life and taking care of your dad?

Debbie Weiss: Well, going back, you know, as we all look at our struggles and see what we learned, I, as I mentioned in the beginning, always have had a weight problem. And that’s a whole other story. And actually that started my, my mindset transformation in my 50 early, 50s. But I didn’t ever want to be seen. And I never wanted to speak up because I felt like I was always being judged for the way I looked. You know, adults would say, oh, she has such a pretty face. You know, and in the head she would, they wouldn’t say out loud, it’s such a shame. but I was my, I was it for my dad and I, I had to speak up on his behalf. I had to advocate for him, I had to put my own insecurities aside. And I think I started realizing over that time that I do have a voice. I do have more to offer. It isn’t just about my, the looks of my body. That is not my self worth. And I have really now grown to understand that, yes, I, I can do it. I am capable.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: If I want to run a marathon, which I don’t and I never want to.

Wendy Valentine: Not that great.

Debbie Weiss: No. And maybe I couldn’t run for 26.2 miles, but darn it, if I set my mind to it, I would do it. Yeah. And I believe that each of us can. I mean, yeah. Can I go right now and become a professional tennis player at 61? No, I can’t do that. You know, silly things like that aside. Yeah, but who would want to do that now anyway?

Wendy Valentine: You know, I know, you know, I don’t know about you, but I mean for. And I think I shared this with you before, we hit record. But my, my ex husband died at the age of 26. And then my brother died at the age of 49. 9. And both of their deaths really taught me more to appreciate life and just having a, you know, a healthy body and being able to go run a marathon if I wanted to run a marathon or sit down and write if I could, you know, if I want to write or whatever it is. But just being more grateful for, for life and for breath and for my heart beating and, and it’s, you know, I, again, I admire your strength for taking care of them. That’s, it’s a tough thing to do. And I think there’s probably, probably people listening that might be having to take care of their parents at this age. We’re in this sandwich generation, you know, like taking care of kids and taking care of parents or maybe even a spouse. Right. Like it’s it’s a tough time and you. And I think it’s so important to, to take care of yourself no matter what the situation is. I mean, sometimes we can’t do anything about the situations, but you have to make the best of it.

Debbie Weiss: I couldn’t agree more. I couldn’t agree more. I mean, actually my whole journey started, with that was my goal was to make sure that family caregivers understood that self care is not selfish.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: And I always. But when I thought about self care, I mean on, on the surface, you know, when I first came to mind. Oh, a massage. Oh, going to a spa, you know, going away for a Weekend. But what I came to understand is there’s just so many different forms of self care and for me the two biggest things that were, had the most impact was learning to say no because.

Debbie Weiss: Anytime anybody asked me to do something, a volunteer thing, whatever, even, even a social thing that I really didn’t want to do, I have to say yes. Like, I can’t disappoint those people. They need me, they want me. you know, so learning to say no was, was huge because I was running myself ragged trying to take care, do what everybody else wanted, including things like volunteering or. And I’m not saying don’t volunteer, but there’s a time and a place and I wasn’t, is this good for me right now too? You know, I was discounting that. And the other thing is setting boundaries even, or especially with my loved ones and my immediate family because they just expected me to drop everything and be at their beck and call 24 7.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. And I think it’s key to set boundaries without guilt. You set the boundary. And the key is especially like in the beginning, if you’re setting a boundary in a relationship that it’s been totally different, they’re going to be like, whoa, what, what are you doing? Like you’re not. They won’t take you seriously. But then. So the key is, is to be consistent right in your boundary. Like, nope, not going, not going to do this. Yeah.

Debbie Weiss: And they learn, they learn and everybody adjusts and everybody’s just fine and you’re better off for it.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly.

E plus R equals O, which is event plus response equals outcome

Before I forget, the formula.

Debbie Weiss: Yes, the formula.

Wendy Valentine: We can’t go without the formula.

Debbie Weiss: Well, we kind of already talked about it, we just didn’t say the formula. So it actually comes from. I didn’t come up with it. It comes from, the book the Success Principles by Jack Canfield and Janet Switzer. And it’s E plus R equals O, which is event plus response equals outcome. So if you think about it, anything, any event, it could be as simple as it’s raining outside. I can’t change the fact that it’s raining. But if I decide to walk to work and don’t wear a raincoat or carry an umbrella, the outcome is, I’m going to get to the office and I am going to be soaked to the skin, miserable, cold and nasty the rest of the day. That was my response, right? If I don’t like that outcome and it’s still raining, the event is still there. But I do prepare appropriately. the outcome is different. And so I had lived my Life up until 50 thinking the formula was E plus R. E equals O. That there was no response. Right. my response did not affect the outcome. It’s raining. That sucks. I’m going to have a bad day. M. You know, my father had a stroke. Well, what am I supposed to do? Of course this is a terrible thing and that is going to dictate the rest of my life. I wasn’t taking the responsibility. The R is the responsibility. You can’t necessarily change the event, but you can change your response.

Wendy Valentine: Exactly. Yeah. You do play a part in, in life, in the things that happen. Not to you, but for you.

Debbie Weiss: Right, Exactly. Exactly. And it’s a game changer if you really embrace that. And, and you. For me, I realized how much I was finger pointing and blaming other people or the circumstances of my life. And you know, after doing it for such a long time and now coming to understand and embrace the formula, I, it, I really hear it in other people, you know.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: Especially here. My kids are like, but they did this and you know, the whole thing. And of course they don’t want to listen to what I have. They don’t want to listen to me in my formula.

Wendy Valentine: We don’t know anything. Yeah. They’re like, the heck with your formula. Well, and I think the key is too, is to be proactive. Right. It’s better to be proactive than reactive.

Debbie Weiss: Oh yeah.

Wendy Valentine: So yeah, even like you said too, you get the umbrella before you even go out there and like think it could be raining. It’s like, okay, let me take my umbrella then. And that does change the outcome.

Debbie Weiss: It does, Yeah. I mean, if you can really, if you really think about it, apply it to anything in your life. Apply it to something in your life that you weren’t happy with the outcome just looking back, doing, you know, it’s a great thing to journal on. How could this outcome have been different? How would I have changed my response? And what could that have done? Again, not to beat yourself up.

Wendy Valentine: Yes.

Debbie Weiss: But just to prove to you that you have the power to change the outcome.

Debbie Weiss: Ah.

Wendy Valentine: Amazing. It is amazing.

Debbie Weiss: It’s so simple. It’s so simple, but it’s so darn hard. I don’t want to make it seem like just do, do these things. It’s hard. But you know, we gotta keep at it because any progress is good.

Wendy Valentine: Yes, definitely. This has been so great. I’m m so glad I met you.

Debbie Weiss: Oh, me too. Me too.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. I’m glad you did your sprinkle Effect here on the Midlife makeover show.

Debbie Weiss: We were meant to meet because of our glasses.

Wendy Valentine: I know. Yeah. We have the same glasses.

Debbie Weiss: We have the same glasses.

Wendy Valentine: Yeah. Oh, the black looks good on you too.

Debbie Weiss: Thank you. Yeah.

Debbie Weiss’ book is out now on Amazon. com and her website

See, isn’t that nice that you can. I love that about these glasses that you can wear them without the. And I wore boring ones today just to match like my fall color top. But yeah, and because your last name is Valentine and Valentine’s Day and hearts is my favorite, favorite holiday. I know.

Wendy Valentine: I saw that on your website. I was like, I love the little hearts.

Debbie Weiss: Oh, yes. So with. This was just, you know, we were meant to be.

Wendy Valentine: So where can we find you, Debbie?

Debbie Weiss: My website is my best place. It is debby r.weiss.com. you got to put in the R. Otherwise you wind up on a realtor in California. But everything, everything you ever want to know about me is there.

Wendy Valentine: Yes. And I, I don’t know if I announced it on here, but I told you. your book, well, you can get the book on your website and I also put it on my Amazon store, you guys. So Amazon.wendyvalentine.com you can find her book on there. It’s available 11 11. And I think this show is going to air 11 21. Is that what I said? Whatever today is. But it’s available. It’s out. You gotta grab it now. Get some sprinkle effect. And yes, your website’s amazing because you also have, stuff on there for caregivers. It’s great. So there’s something on there for everyone.

Debbie Weiss: Thank you, Wendy.

Wendy Valentine: You’re an angel.

Debbie Weiss: So are you. This has just made my day.

Wendy Valentine: It’s. It’s lunchtime for you and it’s dinner time for me in Portugal.

Debbie Weiss: Okay, let’s go do it.

Wendy Valentine: Thank you everyone. Have a great day and. And go spread some sprinkles on yourself first though and.

Debbie Weiss: Absolutely.